Buffy Episode #109: "Smashed" Transcript

Written by Drew Z. Greenberg
Original Air Date: November 20, 2001

Transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).
Transcriber's Notes:


GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
People setting books on fire.
Amy tied to the stake in "Gingerbread."
AMY: All right! You wanna fry a witch? I'll give you a witch! Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
Amy turning into a rat.
The rat running around the floor.
WILLOW: She's a perfectly normal girl. Then, she's a rat.
BUFFY: Maybe we should get her one of those wheel thingies.
Tara and Willow in Joyce's bedroom.
TARA: Can, can we not do this now?
WILLOW: Forget it ever happened.
Willow doing the forget spell.
WILLOW: Forget.
Tara and Willow arguing.
TARA: What is wrong with you? I know you used that spell on me.
WILLOW: I'll go a month without doing any magic.
Willow taking the bag of herbs out of the cabinet.
TARA: Go a week.
WILLOW: Fine, that's easy!
Willow putting the crystal in the fire.
WILLOW: When the fire goes out, when the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast.
Willow sitting and crying.
TARA: I don't think this is gonna work.
Tara packing her things.
WILLOW: Are you saying you're gonna leave me?
Spike in Warren's apartment.
SPIKE: I'm placing an order.
WARREN: Oh no no, I'm not making any more girls.
SPIKE: Sure you are. Here's your specs.
Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew in flashback.
WARREN: So ... you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale?
Jonathan doing a spell.
WARREN: The Trio versus the Slayer.
JONATHAN: We're like supervillains.
The Trio laughing their dorky super-villain laughs.
Buffy talking to Giles.
BUFFY: I can't do this without you.
GILES: You can. That's why I'm going.
Giles talking to the Scoobies.
GILES: I'm heading back to England.
Giles on the plane.
GILES: ...and I plan to stay.
Spike and Buffy in the graveyard.
SPIKE: We have to talk.
BUFFY: About what?
SPIKE: We kissed, Buffy.
Spike and Buffy kissing at the end of "Tabula Rasa."

Episode opens in an alley. Overhead shot of a scared middle-aged couple backing up against a wall. Two men advancing toward them. One of the men is holding the woman's purse and looking through it.

HUSBAND: (nervous) I'm sure we can work something out.
WIFE: A deal of some sort. Anything you want.
BUFFY: (OS) I always wanted a pony.

Everyone turns to see Buffy standing there.

BUFFY: Oh. You weren't really speaking to me, were you? My bad. Well, as long as I'm here...

She walks forward and kicks one of the men. He stumbles back, drops the purse. He and his cohort stare at Buffy in fear. We see that they're human, not vampires.

BUFFY: (surprised) Wow. A mugging. Haven't gotten one of those in a while.

The uninjured mugger checking to make sure the one Buffy kicked is okay.

BUFFY: Usually it's blood, and with the horror ... just a good old-fashioned mugging. (the victims staring at her) Kinda sweet actually.

Buffy bends over, picks up the woman's purse.

BUFFY: Oh, uh, probably not for you. Here. (gives the woman her purse) Go. Now.

The husband and wife run off.

One of the muggers attacks Buffy and she blocks his punch, punches him, then grabs his arm and twists it around behind him. She holds him there while she kicks the other one back.

BUFFY: Not too sweet for you either, huh? (mugger getting up) But come on, rush me. It'll be funny.

The second mugger gets up and is about to rush her when Spike comes into the shot yelling.

SPIKE: Yaah!

Spike punches the mugger and falls into a pile of boxes. Buffy lets go of the mugger she's holding and he runs off.

Spike rolls around in the pile of boxes clutching his head in pain. Boxes fall on top of him. The other mugger runs off too. Buffy watches them go and yells in frustration.

BUFFY: Gah! Oh!

Spike gets up, still holding his head.

BUFFY: What the hell are you doing?
SPIKE: I thought they were demons.
BUFFY: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
SPIKE: (glares) Remind me not to help you.
BUFFY: *More* often?
SPIKE: Hey. Little sympathy for the man with the migraine here, can we?
BUFFY: Well, that's what you get for attacking a human.
SPIKE: Yeah. (annoyed) You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they'd at least make it so I could attack criminals and that sort.
BUFFY: Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten.

Spike gives her a sour look.

BUFFY: Just have to get your rocks off fightin' demons.
SPIKE: (suggestively) There are other ways.
BUFFY: And to that, an extreme 'see you later.'

She turns to go. Spike smirks, walks after her.

SPIKE: Buffy.

She stops, sighs, turns back.

BUFFY: Spike ... it's late, okay, can we just finish this another time?
SPIKE: (walks closer) Oh, so you wanna jump right to the kissing then, eh?
BUFFY: I am not kissing you, Spike. Once was-
SPIKE: Twice.
BUFFY: But not again.

She turns away again, begins walking.

SPIKE: You're a tease, you know that, Slayer? (Buffy rolls her eyes, continues walking) Get a fellow's motor revving, let the tension marinate a couple-a days, then bam! Crown yourself the ice queen.
BUFFY: (still walking away) Need a few more metaphors for that little mix?

She walks off. Spike stays where he is in the alley, yelling after her.

SPIKE: (yells) It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, pet. You got no one else!

Cut to the Summers house, night. Willow opens the door of her bedroom, peeks out, goes back inside and closes the door. She goes over to the window, looks out.

Amy-Rat is in a cage on the floor, squeaking. Willow kneels down beside it.

WILLOW: What's the matter, Amy? You lonely? (opens the cage) Oh, we need to get you a nice companion rat (takes Amy out of the cage) that you can love ... play with ... and grow attached to, until one day they leave you for no good reason.

Willow carries the rat over to the bed, stroking it gently. She puts the rat down on the bed.

WILLOW: Won't that be fun? (rat squeaking) Relax, Amy. I'm just kiddin'. I swear, if I could figure out how to turn you back... (realizes something) Any way ... Revele!

A sheet of paper appears on the desk. Willow picks it up, reads.

WILLOW: 'Cio che fu non e piu. Cio che fu fatto disfa. Passato e il pericolo, finita e la prova. Metti le cosa a posto.'

Willow looks up at the bed. Red lightning flashes as the rat morphs back into Amy, sitting naked on the bed with her legs pulled up to her chest. Willow smiles.

Amy lifts her head, looks around, her movements all twitchy like a rat. She screams.

Wolf howl, opening credits.

Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Elizabeth Anne Allen, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written by Drew Z. Greenberg, directed by Turi Meyer.

Act I

Open in a museum, night. A person dressed all in black descends from the domed ceiling on a thin wire, à la Tom Cruise in "Mission Impossible." He stops, hovering beside a display case in the center of the room. Cut closer. We see that it's Andrew, wearing all black clothes and a black beret and a small microphone headset. He attaches a small metal device to the side of the display case.

Warren and Jonathan walk up beside him.

WARREN: Dude, what are you doing?
JONATHAN: We're not breaking into Langley here. It's Sunnydale.
ANDREW: Well, you never know what new stuff they have, better safe than-
WARREN: Okay, the security system here is a guy named Rusty.

Warren gives Andrew a shove so that he starts spinning head-over-heels in the air. He spins a few times before managing to stop himself. Warren and Jonathan grin.

WARREN: Now get up.
ANDREW: Whoa, head rush. Cool.

Andrew grins, disconnects himself from the wires.

WARREN: Guys, come on, quit jerking around.

Warren walks over to the display case. We see that he has a small gas tank strapped to his back. He removes the device that Andrew attached to the glass, tosses it over his shoulder. Jonathan catches it.

Warren produces a small blowtorch and begins cutting the glass.

ANDREW: See, that's cool. How come he gets to play with all the cool stuff?
JONATHAN: Because I'm allergic to methane and you're still afraid of hot things?
ANDREW: (pouty) I know.
JONATHAN: Besides, the tank kept making both of us tip over, remember?

Warren has finished cutting a hole in the glass. He knocks out the round piece of glass, reaches in and grabs a large diamond from the case. He turns to the others.

WARREN: Got it!
JONATHAN: It's beautiful.
WARREN: Boys, congratulations, Phase One of the plan is now complete. Let's get the hell outta here.

They turn to go, but are confronted by an older man in a security uniform.

RUSTY: What are you boys doing?
WARREN: Um, we're with a tour group. (pauses) The Get-The-Freeze-Ray tour group. Musta gotten separated.
RUSTY: Museum closed five hours ago.
WARREN: Really?
RUSTY: Uh-huh.
WARREN: Huh! Guess we just lost track of time, we should probably get the *freeze ray* out of here now.

Warren pauses, waiting for the others to pick up on his subtle cue, but they don't. He turns to glare at Jonathan. Jonathan and Andrew finally clue in, turn their backs to Rusty and dig in a bag that Jonathan's carrying.

WARREN: 'Cause we love the learning, Rusty. (walking closer to Rusty) Museums, libraries, Disney Hall of Presidents ... not boring. But more to the point? Good-bye.

Warren makes a kissing motion at Rusty and backs up. Jonathan points a large gun-like device at Rusty and fires. Ice shoots out of it and encases Rusty completely, immobilizing him.

WARREN: (excited) Dude, that is so cool! (walks closer to Rusty)
ANDREW: The freeze ray totally worked.

We see that Jonathan's arm holding the freeze-ray is also encased in ice.

JONATHAN: Yeah, uh, not exactly.
WARREN: (still gazing at Rusty) So there's a kink or two. It's just a prototype. I mean, soon we'll have-
JONATHAN: Hey, that's really neato and stuff, but in the meantime, you know ... ow!
WARREN: (glances at him) Be a bigger wuss.
JONATHAN: Can we just go back to the lair? Because ... I can't ... really feel my fingers.
WARREN: Yeah, yeah, come on.

Jonathan and Andrew walk on past Warren. Andrew pauses looking at Rusty.

ANDREW: Is he gonna like-
WARREN: Oh, he'll be fine. Yeah, he'll defrost in a couple of days, no harm, no foul.
ANDREW: Won't he tell on us?
WARREN: And say what? 'Two guys and a mime took me out with their freeze ray'? That's likely.

Andrew looks uncertain.

WARREN: Come on!

They walk off, leaving Rusty standing there with bits of mist curling off him.

Cut to the Summers house. Amy still sits on the bed in the same position, but now she is wearing clothes. She looks around, very twitchy rat-like movements. She jumps as the door opens. Willow enters holding a mug.

WILLOW: Hey. Here's some hot chocolate, you want-
AMY: No, thanks. (gestures at her throat) Still ... kinda queasy.
WILLOW: Okay. Maybe later.

Willow turns to put the mug down. Sound of a siren from outside. Amy starts, looks fearfully at the window. Magic sound-effect. The window slams shut.

WILLOW: Hey, no, i-it's okay.

Amy makes a gesture with one hand and the curtains pull shut over the window.

WILLOW: (walking forward) It's, it's just a siren. It's o-it's all right. Okay? You okay?

Amy peers at the window, then looks at Willow.

AMY: (twitchy) Mm-hm. Yeah. Just ... you know. (whispers) Everything feels weird. (Willow nods) I mean, it's like ... I felt like I was in that cage for weeks. (Willow looks nervous) But it can still be okay ... right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like ... prom's coming up. I-I'm so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at- (sees Willow's expression) Oh. Oh god. (sighs, anxiously) He hasn't asked someone else, has he?
WILLOW: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. (Amy staring at her) Two, Larry's dead. (Amy still staring) And three, high school's ... kinda over.

Amy frowns, stares at her.

AMY: How long was I in the cage?

Willow fidgets nervously, looks around.

AMY: How long?!

Cut to downstairs. Buffy enters from outside, puts her keys on the table by the door, looks around.

BUFFY: Willow?

She goes up the stairs.

Cut to the bedroom. Willow sits on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Buffy enters.

BUFFY: Hey. (they smile at each other) How you doin'?
WILLOW: Oh. Uh ... okay. (sits up)
BUFFY: Yeah? (sits on bed beside Willow)
WILLOW: Yeah. Not parades and cotton candy, but ... okay.
BUFFY: Will, um ... can I talk to you about something?
WILLOW: Of course.
BUFFY: (nervous) Right. Okay. Um ... You know how we all make choices? And sometimes they're good, and ... sometimes they're ... less good.
WILLOW: Uh-huh...
BUFFY: Well, lately, I, uh...

The bathroom door opens. Buffy glances over as Amy comes out.

BUFFY: Oh, Tara, hey- (pauses, stares) Amy?!
AMY: (to Willow) The whole school?

Willow nods. Buffy stares at Amy, then at Willow.

AMY: By a giant snake thing. (nods) Okay, still adjusting. Hi Buffy.
BUFFY: Hi. (awkwardly) How've you been?
AMY: Rat. You?
BUFFY: Dead.
AMY: Oh.
BUFFY: (looking at Willow) Well, I should ... let you guys catch up, I can-
AMY: No no no, stay. (twitchy) Do you have any cookies?
BUFFY: Uh, yeah, w-what kind?
AMY: Any kind. Not cheese.
BUFFY: Um, sure, in the, the kitchen, I'll just get 'em- (gets up)
AMY: Oh no, I'll grab 'em. (moves toward the door)
BUFFY: Okay, well, at least, you know, let me make up the, the couch for you? It's late, you should stay here. Everybody does.
AMY: (distracted) Thank you.

Amy exits. Buffy stares at Willow.

WILLOW: (smiling) I know.
BUFFY: Is ... she gonna be okay?
WILLOW: Don't know. She's kinda freaked out. I mean, I would be too.
WILLOW: I, I just realized I could. Thought of the right thing, and ... it's nice, having another magically-inclined friend around.

Buffy looks down, pensive.

WILLOW: So, w-what were you gonna tell me? You were sounding all serious.
BUFFY: Huh? Oh. Uh, it's nothing. I mean, the whole Amy, rat, Amy thing ... no way I'm toppin' that.

Buffy exits.

Cut to downstairs. Amy sits on the couch eating cookies and watching TV.

Buffy comes down the stairs, stands in the doorway from the foyer to the living room.

BUFFY: Hey. (Amy mutes the TV) How you doin'? Need anything?
AMY: No, thanks. Good cookies.

Buffy smiles. Beat.

AMY: Sorry about your mom.
BUFFY: (softly) Thanks.
AMY: It's crazy, all the things that've happened since I went away.
BUFFY: No kidding.
AMY: Snyder got eaten by a snake ... high school got destroyed...
BUFFY: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.
AMY: See? Head spinning. (shakes head) People getting frozen ... Willow's dating girls ... and did you hear about Tom and Nicole?!

Buffy comes forward, frowning.

BUFFY: (frowns) People getting frozen?

Amy turns on the TV sound.

TV REPORTER: ...in critical yet stable condition as local authorities continue their investigation into the robbery that left one man frozen solid.

On the TV, behind the reporter we can see the exterior of the museum with an ambulance and a bunch of people moving around.

REPORTER: Live from the museum, Ryan Morris, KOUS.
AMY: Weird.

Cut to outside the museum. Sirens, flashing lights, a crowd of people standing around.

Buffy stands behind the gathered people, jumping up and down trying to see over their heads.

BUFFY: Excuse me, excuse me, thanks.

She pushes her way to the front of the crowd, stares and frowns.

We see a couple of policemen wheeling out the still-frozen Rusty on a dolly. TV cameramen following them.

Buffy turns and starts walking around toward the side of the museum, across the lawn. She looks back at the crowd, continues on her way, suddenly stops as she sees something in front of her.

BUFFY: (annoyed) Great.
SPIKE: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.
BUFFY: What are you doing here, Spike?
SPIKE: Well, you know, a man was frozen alive in there. A little compassion, luv.

Buffy rolls her eyes, starts to walk past him. Spike falls into step beside her.

SPIKE: Uh, you know, as long as we're both here, you might as well tag along. I mean, as a team we could-
BUFFY: Yeah, that never really ends well, does it?
SPIKE: It did the other night.
BUFFY: You really seem awfully fixated on a couple of kisses, Spike.

Spike pauses, so that she walks a few steps ahead of him.

SPIKE: And you seem awfully quick to forget about them.

Buffy stops walking, turns to him.

BUFFY: Look. I'm sorry, okay? I'm-I'm sorry if you thought that it meant more.
SPIKE: But...
BUFFY: But ... when I kissed you ... you know I was thinking about Giles, right?
SPIKE: You know, I always wondered about you two.
BUFFY: What? (makes a face) Oh, gross, Spike! (Spike frowns) He left. I was depressed. Ergo vulnerability and, and bad kissing decisions. (Spike still frowning) Okay, but, that's all that it was. You have to let it go.
SPIKE: (smirking) Did it work?
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: You convince yourself?
BUFFY: (seriously) Please, stop.

She starts walking again. Spike follows.

SPIKE: A man can change.

She again stops walking and faces him.

BUFFY: You're not a man. You're a thing.

She turns away again. Spike frowns, grabs her shoulder.

SPIKE: Stop walking away.
BUFFY: Don't touch me!

As Spike turns her around she punches him with her other hand. He pulls back and backhands her. Buffy falls to the ground.

Spike looks surprised, puts his hand tentatively to his head with the beginning of a smile. Looks at Buffy, who is still getting to her feet and has her back to him.

SPIKE: Ahh, ahh, ohh! (grabs his head)

Buffy gets up, backhands Spike and he goes down. He gets up to a kneeling position with his back to Buffy and stays there, looking at the ground. She speaks to his back.

BUFFY: You're a thing. An evil, disgusting, thing.

She walks past him and away.

Spike lifts his head to watch her go. Slowly an evil grin spreads across his face.


Act II

Open on the street, downtown, night. People walking around, talking, etc. Spike walks out from an alley, looks around, grins.

Pan across the street. Lots of people going about their business.

SPIKE: (to himself) Look at all the goodies.

He continues looking around, pauses as he spots something.

Closer shot of a young blonde woman standing on the corner, looking at her watch, looking around, hugging herself as if she's cold. She turns and starts to walk away.

Spike moves to follow her.

Cut to an alley. The young woman walks along, still hugging herself, looking nervous. Suddenly Spike steps out in front of her. She screams.

SPIKE: That's right, you should scream.

She tries to get away but he moves to intercept her. She looks scared.

SPIKE: Creature of the night here, yeah? (indicating himself) Some people forget that.

He advances on the woman. She backs away, shaking her head fearfully, backs up against a wall.

WOMAN: Please.
SPIKE: She thinks I'm housebroken. She forgot who she's dealing with.
WOMAN: Anything you want, please-
SPIKE: Just 'cause she's confused about where she fits in, I'm supposed to be too? 'Cause I'm not. (pacing back and forth) I know what I am. I'm dangerous. I'm evil.
WOMAN: (scared) I-I'm sure you're not evil.
SPIKE: Yes, I am. I am a killer. (moves closer to her) That's what I do. I kill. And, yeah, maybe it's been a long time, but ... it's not like you forget how.

He gets up very close to the woman, who is panting fearfully.

SPIKE: You just ... do it. (nervously) And now I can, again, all right? So here goes.

He morphs into vamp face. The woman screams.

SPIKE: This might hurt a little.

He bends over to bite her, then flings himself back, yelling in pain, crashes into a Dumpster. The woman runs off.

Spike crouches there clutching the Dumpster, panting.

SPIKE: What the hell is going on?

Cut to an outdoor cafe, day. Dawn sits drinking from a very large chocolate milkshake as Tara watches.

TARA: Good god, that's a lot of shake. (Dawn nods) I mean, I know, part of our ... big ... movie and milkshake fun day, but ... good god, that's a lot of shake.
DAWN: (laughs) Helps to wash down the Raisinettes.
TARA: Promise me that you will eat something green tonight. Leafy green, not ... gummi green.

They both laugh. Dawn continues drinking her milkshake.

TARA: The movie was fun.
DAWN: Yeah. It was ironic when all those cute inner-city kids taught their coach a valuable lesson.
TARA: You know that I will always be there for you, right? (Dawn looks at her, stops smiling) There, there was actually more of a lead-in when I practiced that at home.
DAWN: I know.
TARA: It's just ... I wanted you to know that ... my moving out had nothing to do with you, and I, I will never stop loving you.
DAWN: I know. (beat) Do you think you'll ever get back together?
TARA: I wish I knew.
DAWN: But you still love her.
TARA: Very much. I just ... sometimes ... other things get in the way.
DAWN: I know. (nervously) Uh, she's been doing a lot better lately, though. Uh, she's been really good about ... being careful ... a-about stuff.
TARA: Well, good. Great, that's ... that's great.

Cut to the magic shop. Willow, Xander, and Buffy sit around the round table. Anya stands by the bookshelves in background.

WILLOW: Here. Says the guard's definitely gonna live.
XANDER: (reading newspaper) He's all thawed out, says they used hair-dryers. Huh.

Shot of the newspaper with an article headline reading: Museum Guard Attacked, Frozen. Body Thawed, Remains Unconscious.

WILLOW: Everything slowed down. His nervous system, circulatory system. He's still unconscious.

Anya makes a whiny noise.

BUFFY: Anya?
ANYA: It's such a pain. The text I wanted, Giles took it with him. He has this thing that ... owning a book makes it like his property.
BUFFY: What should we do, should we call him? It's like the middle of last night there. (frowns) Or maybe it's tomorrow. Anyone remember how that works?
WILLOW: That's okay, no one freak. We'll just do it another way. (reaches for her bag)
BUFFY: I-I don't think we need to resort to ... I mean...

Willow pulls out her laptop computer and sets it on the table.

BUFFY: Oh. Hey, cool.
XANDER: All right, back to basics. A little old-fashioned state-of-the-art hacker action.
BUFFY: That's great, Will, I haven't seen you do that in a long time.

Willow puts her hands over the keyboard, not touching it. The keyboard glows with a pale yellow light.

BUFFY: (to Xander) I-I don't remember that part. (Buffy and Xander staring at Willow)
WILLOW: (staring blankly in front of her) It's quicker. It'll just take me a sec to go through the files. Okay. Internal police report.

Buffy and Xander exchange a concerned look.

WILLOW: A diamond was stolen from the museum last night. A big one. On loan from the British museum. They're withholding information to smoke out the criminals. Oh! It's pretty. (looks at Buffy, smiles) There's a picture.
BUFFY: Well, is it a, a supernatural diamond? You know, like, healing powers, or, or good-lucky?
ANYA: Maybe it's cursed. Diamonds are excellent for cursing.
WILLOW: (again staring blankly) Well, we'll keep checking, shall we?
XANDER: (awkwardly) Well, you know, I am kinda beat, and I bet you that's tiring, that ... thing you're doing there... (fake yawn)

Xander gives an exaggerated stretch as if to show he's tired. Willow takes her hands off the keyboard. Sound effect to indicate the end of her spell. She looks at them.

WILLOW: Guys, I'm fine. What's the deal with-
ANYA: Oh, for crying out loud. This is bizarre. You're all, 'la la la!' with, with the magic, and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you and now everyone's scared to say anything to you. (pauses, smiles) Except me. (looks at Xander) Is this that thing I do that you were commenting- (Xander nods)
WILLOW: Guys ... it's okay. It's hard ... but i-it's better this way. Little things just ... starting taking over, things that didn't matter, but we saw them differently, so ... they got blown out of proportion. (Shot of Buffy and Xander listening) And, this time away will help us sort through things. Really. Now, let's just keep working on this. I don't wanna leave Amy alone in the house so long.
XANDER: Amy, is she ... how is she adjusting?
WILLOW: It's hard to say. It's a lot to take in. I keep expecting her to do, like, ratty stuff, you know, licking her hands clean, shredding newspaper, leaving little pellets in the corner.
BUFFY: Let's definitely not leave her alone in the house too long.

Cut to: close shot of the diamond sitting on a piece of black velvet.

JONATHAN: I didn't know it'd be so sparkly.
ANDREW: It's so big.
WARREN: Yes, gentlemen, it turns out, size is everything. (puts hand on Jonathan's leg) No offense, man.

Jonathan smacks him. We see that they're in the basement lair, sitting and looking at the diamond on a card table.

ANDREW: It makes colors with the light.

The others stare at him for a moment.

WARREN: All right, I think we've finished the first part, now it's time for Phase Two.

They all get up.

WARREN: Is the van fired up?

They go to the bulkhead but it slams open before they reach it. Spike is there, glaring in at them. The Geeks stare in alarm, back away.

Spike comes down into their lair with a menacing expression. The Geeks continue to back up.

ANDREW: Hello, it's called knocking.

Spike backs Warren up against a pole.

SPIKE: Knock knock, robot boy. (knocks on Warren's head) Need you to look at my chip.
JONATHAN: Is that like, British slang or something? 'Cause we're not-
SPIKE: In my head, the chip in my head.
WARREN: We're kind of in the middle of something.
SPIKE: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
WARREN: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your-

Spike turns around, sees a display of action figures, reaches for it.

WARREN: What are, wait, what are you doing?

Spike picks up the Boba Fett action figure, removing it from its display stand.

SPIKE: Examine my chip, or else Mister... (looks at the label on the stand) ...Fett here is the first to die.

Spike holds the action figure in one hand and takes its head in the other hand as if he's going to pull the head off. The geeks are extremely nervous.

JONATHAN: Hey, all right, let's not, let's not do anything crazy here.
ANDREW: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.

Spike grins, pretends to pull the head off.

WARREN: All right, dude ... chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
SPIKE: What I want ... is answers, nimrod.
WARREN: Right. But you don't wanna hurt the Fett, 'cause man, you're *not* comin' back from that. You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
SPIKE: That right? Let's find out.

Spike fakes pulling the head off again. Warren yells in alarm.

WARREN: Wah, uh, one second.

Warren pulls the other geeks aside.

ANDREW: Dudes, I think that's Spike.
JONATHAN: Of course it is, and he's evil. Completely capable of removing that head.
WARREN: I'm gonna help him out.
JONATHAN: Are you sure we can trust him? I mean, we all have heads too.
WARREN: See, we help him, and he owes us one. See, we get Spike on our side, we get info on Buffy. And maybe, maybe we can even find a way to keep her out of Phase Two.
ANDREW: Jonathan's right, can we trust him?
WARREN: 'Course not. But alliances aren't about trust. See, he needs us, we need him. (nods) Well, that's how these things work.

In the background we see Spike pacing, playing with the action figure.

WARREN: I think we're ready. Agreed?

Andrew looks over at Spike. Shot of Spike tossing the action figure in the air and catching it.

ANDREW: (to Warren) Do what you need to do.

Warren turns back to Spike.

WARREN: I think we can work something out. I'll take a look at your chip. It'll be a deal. We scratch your back, you scratch-
SPIKE: I'm not scratching your anything. You do what I tell you, that's the deal. Deal?
WARREN: (sighs) Deal.
SPIKE: Then let's go.

Spike tosses the action figure to Andrew as Spike and Warren move off. Andrew catches it, and he and Jonathan look anxiously at it.

ANDREW: Oh! It's okay, it's okay. It'll be fine.

Cut to the Summers house. Willow enters, looks around, goes into the living room.


Amy peeks out of the kitchen.

AMY: Oh god, you're back. (hurries over) I thought you said you wouldn't be gone that long.
WILLOW: I wasn't. I mean, I thought it was-
AMY: Let's go somewhere.
WILLOW: Don't you wanna go see your dad?
AMY: (twitchy) No. Can't. Not yet. Too many questions.
WILLOW: (nods) About where you were.
AMY: No, about how I got there. (pauses) I wish there was a way that I could make him forget about the last three years.
WILLOW: Oh, well hey, I can help you with that. Only, you might wanna sew your name into your clothes first or something. (puts her bag down)
AMY: No ... (crosses arms over her chest) I just don't wanna deal with him right now. I think I would be... (pauses, looks at Willow) ...bored.
WILLOW: (nods) Well.
AMY: Come on, let's get outta here.
WILLOW: (uncertain) Oh, well, what do you wanna do?
AMY: I don't know. Something fun. Anything ... not involving a big wheel. (Willow smiles a little) Or ... maybe ... you'd rather sit home all night, alone, like in high school.
WILLOW: No! (stands up) No, you know what? I can have fun. Heck, I, I deserve some fun.
AMY: Yeah you do!
WILLOW: I can party! Not like I owe anyone anything. I am totally free. (nods) So, let's make with the fun.

They turn and walk off.

Cut to the lair. Warren fiddles with an electronic device, then turns to Spike who is lying on his back on a table. Spike has his hands behind his head and numerous wires attached to his head. Warren moves the device over Spike's head. Pan across the table to reveal a book open to a page that shows a diagram of the human brain. There's also a disconnected robot arm.

Cut to later. Andrew, Jonathan, and Spike sit in chairs side-by-side on a slightly raised platform.

ANDREW: You're English, right?
SPIKE: (frowns at him suspiciously) Yeah.
ANDREW: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. (Spike continues frowning) Not Red Dwarf, though, 'cause, um...
JONATHAN: 'Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
ANDREW: Right. It's not out on ... (weakly) DVD.

Spike scowls at them.

SPIKE: (yells) Warren!!

Warren appears from another room holding a pile of paper.

WARREN: Here I am, here.
SPIKE: Bloody hell. Get on with it then.

Warren hands Spike the papers. Spike looks at them.

SPIKE: Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser. (gives papers back)
WARREN: Okay, right, um ... your chip works fine, yeah.
SPIKE: (frowns) There's gotta be something wrong-
WARREN: No, no, listen. I don't know what that thing does ... I'd like to... (leans closer)
SPIKE: (leans back) Hey.
WARREN: But whatever it is, it works fine. There's no deterioration of the signal, it still is coming through on a steady pulse. Which it's supposed to.

Spike stands up, gets in Warren's face, towers over him on the platform, very menacing.

SPIKE: If you're lying to me-
WARREN: No! It's all right here. I, I mean, it is. It's really not that hard to figure out, if you just... (sees Spike frowning) What?

Spike frowns, ponders deeply. Gives a small smile. Looks at Warren.

SPIKE: You tell anyone about this...
WARREN: No, I promise. Who would I tell, I don't even know what this is about!
SPIKE: It's about the rules having changed.

Spike steps down from the platform and heads for the door.

SPIKE: Everything's different now.

He gets to the stairs leading out, starts up them.

SPIKE: (to himself) Nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with her.

He smirks and exits. Blackout.


Open on the foyer of the Summers house. Dawn and Tara enter.

DAWN: (calls) Hello! We're home!
TARA: Looks like no one's here.
DAWN: Well, I'm sure they'll be back soon. Um, I know Willow and Buffy were meeting up with Xander to do some research.

Dawn takes Tara's arm and pulls her into the living room.

TARA: Well then I, I should really get back.
DAWN: Or, you can stay and wait for them. (sits on couch) Then you can get a chance to catch up with ... everyone.
TARA: Yeah, I-I don't think that's such a great idea.
DAWN: Okay. Your call. (picks up TV remote) I have the TV to keep me company until they get back.

Dawn begins channel-surfing. Tara grimaces uncertainly.

DAWN: (innocently) You notice how it's been getting dark so much earlier these days?

Dawn sneaks a sly look at Tara, who looks nervously at the windows.

DAWN: (giggles, indicates TV) Talking cat.

Tara rolls her eyes, sighs, sits beside Dawn.

TARA: Fine. I'll stay, but just until they get back. And only to make sure that you're not alone, this ... has nothing to do with ... anyone else.
DAWN: Sure. Cool. Up to you.

Dawn snuggles up to Tara, puts her head on Tara's shoulder. They both watch TV.

Cut to the Bronze. The group Virgil is onstage, performing their song "Vermilion Borders."

Low country wars
Oh, there's a demon
She's drinkin' and thinkin'
Of runnin' away

Close shot of Willow's face as she bends over. Sound of billiard balls clinking. Willow grimaces.

WILLOW: I know. Xander engaged, I couldn't believe it either. (straightens up)
AMY: It's just so weird. (bends over, sound of billiard balls) So what's she like?
WILLOW: (shrugs) Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia. (walks around Amy)
AMY: Well, that's so his type.

Willow nods agreement, bends over. We see that neither she nor Amy is holding a pool cue. Willow uses magic to make her shot, knocking a ball into the corner pocket. She straightens up.

Two guys walk over.

GUY 1: Hey.
WILLOW: (uninterested) Hey.
AMY: (smiling) Hey.

The first guy leans over and whispers in Amy's ear. Willow watches.

AMY: Well, let's go then. (to Willow) We're gonna go dance. Do you wanna come?
WILLOW: Oh, uh, no, you go. I'll keep an eye on our drinks.
AMY: Okay. I mean, because, if you want something a little more your style...

Shot of the bar area. We see a very pretty dark-haired woman chatting with a blonde woman.

Willow turns around and sees them.

AMY: I'm sure we can swing that.

Amy snaps her fingers, which makes a little green sparkle. The dark-haired woman looks over at Willow.

Willow turns anxiously to Amy.

WILLOW: No, really, no.

The woman gets up, walks over. The one she was talking to looks annoyed. The guys look interested.

BREE: (to Willow, seductively) Hi. Bree.
WILLOW: Willow. Nice ... um ... top.

Willow turns to Amy again.

WILLOW: (nervous) No. Thanks, but no.
AMY: You sure?
WILLOW: (nods, looks at Bree, then back at Amy) I'm not, she, I'm still-
AMY: It's cool.

Amy snaps her fingers again. Bree looks confused.

BREE: Oh, uh, sorry.

Bree walks back to where she was. The other girl looks outraged.

GUY 1: So, uh, are we gonna go?
AMY: (to Willow) You sure you're gonna be okay?
WILLOW: Yeah, go. I'm all kinds of good.

Amy and the two guys go off to the dance floor, begin dancing together. Willow stands watching.

I'm getting caught in the corners
Of her vermilion borders
She's moving backwards and forwards
And she's ugly when she's insecure

Cut to later. Willow sits by herself staring at a martini glass. She lifts out the plastic stirrer with an olive speared on it.

Close shot of the olive with its pimento filling.

WILLOW: No use looking at me like that. It's the gullet for you, mister.

She eats the olive.

Amy comes rushing over.

AMY: Hey! Sorry, I kinda got caught up. (drinks from another martini)
WILLOW: No, it's okay.

Amy puts down her glass, ponders.

AMY: You know ... if rats could dance ... they probably wouldn't gnaw so much.

Willow smiles and nods.

The two guys walk over again.

GUY 1: Hey, come on. We're just getting started.
AMY: (looks at Willow) I think I'm gonna sit this one out.
GUY 2: Nuh-uh! You can't, you can't just work us up like that and then just-

The guy grabs Amy's arm and pulls her away from the bar, but she pulls free.

AMY: Hey!
WILLOW: I think she said no.
GUY 2: Well, nobody asked you ... Ellen.

The two guys snicker. Amy and Willow exchange a look, then look at the guys again.

AMY: You wanna dance?
GUY 1: That's all. Nice, slow ... relaxing dance.

Amy and Willow exchange another look, shrug, and both gesture at the guys. Magical special-effect shoots from their hands to the two guys. Willow's special-effect is dark orange, Amy's green.

Suddenly the two guys disappear and reappear in dance-cages above the dance floor. They each wear just a skimpy loincloth. They both begin to dance although their faces look shocked and appalled.

Willow and Amy watch with small smiles.

AMY: I think I do feel more relaxed.

Cut to the magic shop. Buffy, Xander, and Anya sit around the table looking at books.

XANDER: Aha! I got it! Uh, here's our villain right here!

Anya and Buffy look, then both shake their heads. Buffy returns to her book.

ANYA: That's a D&D manual, sweetie.
XANDER: No, but it could- (looks at the book cover, laughs weakly) Oh.
ANYA: Let's face it, we're not gonna find this thing because it doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a frost monster who eats diamonds.
BUFFY: Well, maybe he doesn't eat them. You know, maybe he just ... thinks they're pretty.

She nods hopefully for a moment, then stops, makes a face, slams her book shut.

BUFFY: We suck.
XANDER: We need new brains. What's up with Willow?
BUFFY: Out with Amy, I guess.
ANYA: Great, someone to do more magic with.
BUFFY: But at least she's not all cooped up and crying. That's forward momentum. Now, I know that I don't ... know everything that happened with her and Tara, but it-
XANDER: Tara thinks Willow is doing too much magic. And she's not the only one.
BUFFY: I know. But I-I think she'll be fine. You know, it's, it's Willow. She of the level head.
ANYA: Well, those are the ones you have to watch out for the most. Responsible types.
BUFFY: Right, she might go crazy and start alphabetizing everything.
ANYA: I'm serious. Responsible people are ... always so concerned with ... being good all the time, that when they finally get a taste of being bad ... they can't get enough. It's like all (gestures) kablooey.
BUFFY: That's not true.
ANYA: Okay, not kablooey, more like bam.
XANDER: It's human nature, Buff. Will's getting a taste of something powerful, way bigger than her.
ANYA: Yeah, she was getting out of control with it before Tara left, and now that she's gone...
XANDER: It's gotta be seductive.

Buffy looks up in alarm at the word 'seductive.' Her eyes widen.
XANDER: (OS) Just giving in to it. Going totally wild.

Buffy stares at him.

XANDER: We need to keep an eye on her.
BUFFY: Okay. Okay, we'll, we'll keep an eye. But we can't assume that everybody's getting seduced, you know, sometimes-

The phone rings. Buffy gets up to answer it. We see that she's wearing a gauzy white blouse with a long black leather skirt. She goes to the phone at the back of the room.

BUFFY: Hello, Magic Box.

Cut to Spike standing at a pay phone.

SPIKE: (deep gruff voice) Slayer.
BUFFY: (frowns) Spike?
SPIKE: (deep voice) Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone.
BUFFY: (still frowning) Spike?
SPIKE: (rolls eyes, mutters) Bloody hell. (normal voice) Yes, it's me.
BUFFY: You're ... calling me on the phone?
SPIKE: Just be there.
BUFFY: Why? Are you ... helping again? (shot of Xander and Anya listening. Buffy speaks louder) You have a lead on this frost monster thingie?
SPIKE: (smirking) Something like that, yeah. Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
BUFFY: (shocked) What?! No, (whispers) no-no grunting!
SPIKE: (grins) I was talking shop, luv, but if you got other ideas ... you, me, cozy little tomb with a view...

Buffy makes a face, hangs up. Spike continues grinning evilly, hangs up as well.

Buffy walks back over to the table.

XANDER: So, what did Captain Peroxide want?
BUFFY: Nothing! (nervous) You know, he just, you know, wanted to see if I-I wanted to patrol, for, for the, the monster. (sits) But I, I told him that I ... would ... not.

Cut to the street, later. Buffy, Anya, and Xander emerge from the shop. Buffy now wears a denim jacket over her blouse and skirt.

Anya locks the store. They walk down the sidewalk.

BUFFY: I'm telling you, I, I think there's something about this thing.
XANDER: Well, I don't know, Buff. It seems like we've been through every book.
ANYA: Yeah, even the ones that weren't so boring you wanted to kill yourself.
XANDER: We have those? (they stop walking)
BUFFY: I'm just saying, all the things that have happened lately? Okay, the, the bank robbery, the jewelry heist...
XANDER: The exploding lint.
BUFFY: I-is it me, or do these things seem really-
ANYA: Lame?
BUFFY: (shrugs) Well, I was gonna go with unusual, but, yeah.

They all stand there shrugging at each other.

BUFFY: I don't know. You know, I'll do a quick patrol tonight, and after a good night's sleep, we can solve this tomorrow.
ANYA: Optimism. I remember optimism.
XANDER: That's because you're like a thousand.
BUFFY: Good night, guys.
ANYA/XANDER: Good night.

Anya and Xander go off in one direction, Buffy in the other.

Cut to Buffy walking down a dark alley. Spike steps out in front of her.

SPIKE: (angrily) Slayer.
BUFFY: And so my night is now complete.
SPIKE: You never showed.
BUFFY: (walks past him) Sorry. Little busy actually doing stuff.
SPIKE: (walks beside her) You shouldn't be so flip, luv.
BUFFY: What are you gonna do, walk behind me to death?
SPIKE: I'm just saying things might be a little different.

Spike walks around in front of her again. They stop walking.

SPIKE: You oughta be careful.
BUFFY: (shakes head) Enough.

She moves to walk around him, but he shifts to block her path.

BUFFY: (small puzzled smile) Get out of my way.
SPIKE: Or what?

Buffy shrugs, punches him in the face. Spike reels a little, catches himself, pauses. Then he hits her in the face, spinning her around. Buffy straightens up, turns back to him.

SPIKE: (mockingly) Oh, the pain! The pain! (grimly) Is gone.

Buffy stares.

SPIKE: Guess what I just found out. Looks like I'm not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart.
BUFFY: (alarmed) How?
SPIKE: Don't you get it? Don't you see? (sneering) You came back wrong.

Buffy stares in disbelief. Blackout.

Act IV

Open on the same scene. Buffy stalks forward angrily, punches Spike in the face. He staggers back but laughs. Buffy hits him again, kicks him, driving him farther down the alley. She goes to punch him but he grabs her arm and punches her with his other hand. Buffy stumbles into a fence, turns around. Spike gets up in her face.

BUFFY: It's a trick. You did something to the chip, it's a trick.
SPIKE: It's no trick. It's not me, it's you. Just you, in fact, that's the funny part. (punches her in the face) 'Cause you're the one that's changed. (punches again) That's why this doesn't hurt me.

He swings but Buffy blocks and shoves him back.

SPIKE: (grins) Came back a little less human than you were.
BUFFY: (shakes head) You're wrong.

She kicks him hard. He flies back into the opposite wall, but immediately bounces back and comes back over to her.

SPIKE: Then how come you're so spooked, luv? And why can I - (punches her) do that?

Buffy slowly looks back over at him, panting.

BUFFY: You're wrong.

She hits him again, even harder. He falls down, gets up, grinning. Buffy hits him again and he goes down again, gets up again. She pushes him backward into a doorway, follows him up the stairs, grabs him. They crash through the door into the building.

Cut to the Bronze. The two guys are still almost-naked and dancing against their will in the cages.

What is wrong here?
What is wrong here?
What is wrong with you?

We see Amy and Willow on the upper level, leaning on the railing looking down, smiling.

What is wrong here?
What is wrong here?
Where is your head?

WILLOW: You know, this music isn't quite...

Willow gestures. The male singer of Virgil morphs into the female singer of Halo Friendlies. The other members of Virgil morph into members of Halo Friendlies too in background.

FEMALE SINGER: I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be alone
FEMALE SINGER: I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go it alone

Amy and Willow grin happily, look at the dancing boys.

FEMALE SINGER: Every time I see you I can't find the words to say

Amy looks down at the lower level, makes a gesture. A white-clad demon(?) appears, floating over the dancers' heads.

FEMALE SINGER: I just wanna turn and run away

Willow makes a gesture at two guys standing side-by-side. One guy begins to shrink while the other grows very large, both looking around and yelling in confusion.

Amy makes a gesture and turns a bunch of dancers into sheep.

Willow and Amy grin at each other.

Pan across the room with various bolts of magic swirling around, people floating in the air, etc. Willow makes another gesture, grinning widely.

Cut to the abandoned building. Spike punches Buffy in the face, hard. She punches him twice, then shoves him back. He stumbles back against the refrigerator -- we're in the kitchen of an abandoned house.

Buffy kicks Spike and he flies back into the living room. It's mostly gutted with just one chair, a pile of bricks in the corner, etc.

Buffy strides into the room after Spike, stands watching as he gets up.

SPIKE: (grinning) Oh, poor little lost girl.

He jumps up, grabs the chandelier. Swings forward on it and kicks Buffy in the face with both his feet. She goes down.

SPIKE: (drops to the floor) She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love.

He walks over to Buffy, who gets up, grabs him, throws him against the staircase leading upstairs, smashing the banister to bits. Buffy walks toward him.

BUFFY: Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! (Spike getting up) Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?

Spike swings at her but she ducks, punches him in the stomach, grabs him and throws him across the room again. He smashes into the fireplace. Buffy walks toward him again.

BUFFY: Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes.
SPIKE: I'm in love with you.
BUFFY: (still advancing) You're in love with pain. Admit it. (Spike gets up) You like me ... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?
SPIKE: Hello! Vampire!

He swings at her again, but she blocks and punches him. Spike grabs her, pulls her closer.

SPIKE: I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side.

He throws her against the wall. A big hole in the plaster where she hit. Spike goes over to her, throws her across the room again. She lands on her back. Spike stands over her, leans down, grabs her by the front lapels of her jacket.

SPIKE: What's your excuse?

Buffy puts her hand over his face, shoves him away. He flies backward, taking a chunk out of a wall. He staggers to his feet.

Buffy leaps at him and they fly back toward the staircase.

Cut to the Bronze. Willow and Amy still stand looking down. The music continues. Various people are floating around, bolts of magic randomly turning them into various costumes and such.

FEMALE SINGER: I can't find the time and place to say what I need to say...

WILLOW: So, we've kinda played this scene.
AMY: Yeah.
WILLOW: (gestures) Return.

The band turns back into Virgil. Everything else returns to normal too.

MALE SINGER: What is wrong with you?

The two dancing guys reappear, fully clothed, by the pool tables. They stare at each other, then see some cute girls go by, and walk off in pursuit.

WILLOW: I, I just keep thinking ... there's gotta be someplace, like, bigger than this.

Overhead shot of the room, now back to normal with people dancing and such.

AMY: Besides, it's way too early to go home yet.

Willow smiles.

Cut back to the abandoned house. Spike has Buffy pinned against the stairs. He chuckles. Buffy punches him. He punches her back, lifts her up to look in her face.

SPIKE: I wasn't planning on hurting you. (smirks) Much.
BUFFY: You haven't even come close to hurting me.
SPIKE: Afraid to give me the chance?

Buffy breaks his hold, throws him against a wall. Another big hole in the wall where he hits. Shot of cracks appearing in the wall.

Buffy grabs Spike and pushes him up against the wall.

SPIKE: You afraid I'm gonna-

Buffy shuts him up by kissing him. They kiss passionately. Buffy slams her hand into the wall, creating another hole, to get her arm around Spike's neck.

Shot of pieces of the ceiling separating from each other.

Buffy and Spike move away from the wall, still kissing. Spike slams Buffy up against another section of wall. Above their heads, cracks appear and widen, moving up toward the ceiling.

More kissing. Buffy shoves Spike away, follows him as he stumbles backward across the room. She pushes him again and continues following. Behind her, a huge piece of ceiling falls onto the spot where they were just standing.

Buffy shoves Spike up against another wall, resumes kissing him. He lifts her up against him with her legs around his waist.

Buffy reaches her hand down between their bodies. Sound of a zipper. More kissing.

Buffy lifts herself up and thrusts her body against Spike's. Spike looks shocked. They stare at each other for a moment. Then Buffy begins to move up and down, slowly, making an expression of pleasure. [note: if you don't know what's going on here, you're probably too young to be reading this!]

They resume kissing. Spike turns them around and pushes Buffy up against the wall. She reaches one arm up and grabs the wall behind her to steady herself. Long shot of the two of them. The chandelier falls from the ceiling, smashes on the floor.

Pieces of the house continue to fall down, floorboards breaking apart. Buffy and Spike continue kissing and, you know, moving against each other. More stuff falls from the ceiling, walls disintegrating, etc.

Buffy leans her head back against the wall, gasping and panting. Spike rests his head on her chest.

Buffy leans forward to wrap her arms around Spike and they fall backward. The entire floor gives way and they fall through to the basement level, landing there in a huge cloud of debris and dust and bricks, etc. Spike lands on his back with Buffy on top of him.

They stare into each other's eyes, both panting.

Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.


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