Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Written by:  Marti Noxon
Directed by:  James A. Contner
Transcribed by:  AleXander Thompson

Copyright  1998 Alexander Thompson

                   ~~~~~~~~~~ Disclaimer ~~~~~~~~~~

I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to 
the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". They were created by 
Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui 
Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and dry 
transcript of the episode "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered". It also 
includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera 
movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this 
episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please 
let me know and I will post an update.                     rev 98.10.05

This episode was originally broadcast on February 10, 1998.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against 
the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.

The cemetery at night. The camera is focused on a heart-shaped locket 
that Xander is dangling in the extreme foreground so that everything in 
the distance is out of focus and unrecognizable.

Xander:  So, what do you think?

The camera shifts its focus onto Buffy sitting on a gravestone.

Buffy:  It's nice.

Cut to a full-view shot of them. They are waiting near a fresh grave. 
Xander approaches Buffy, still dangling the locket.

Xander:  But do you think Cordelia will like it?

Buffy:  I don't know.

She pulls it toward herself with her hand to take a closer look.

Buffy:  Does she know what one of these is?

He yanks it out of her hand and puts it and his hands into his jacket 

Xander:  (chuckles) Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making 
fun of me for dating Cordelia?

Buffy:  I'm sorry. But never. (Xander nods, smiles and looks down) I 
just think you could find somebody more... better.

Xander:  Uh, parallel universe, maybe. (looks up) Here the only other 
person I'm interested in is, um... unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are 
really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just 
sat together, not even speakin'. You know, just, uh, enjoying 
comfortable silence. (grins and laughs, then loses the grin and exhales) 
Man, that was dull.

Buffy:  (smiles) I'm glad that you guys are getting along. (facetiously) 
Almost really. (reassuringly) And don't stress over the gift.

Xander:  Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are 
usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.

Buffy:  She'll love it.

Xander:  I wish dating was like slaying: (steps away) you know, simple, 
direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.

He turns to face her again just as a vampire rises from the fresh grave. 
Xander reacts quickly and jerks back as the newly risen demon comes for 
him, but he trips and falls backward onto his butt. Buffy hops off of 
the gravestone and grabs the vampire from behind as he is about to grab 
Xander and throws him high and away. He hits the ground hard. His 
momentum carries him into a reverse somersault, and he rolls to his 
feet. He starts to come at Buffy. She leaps at him, does a double kick 
to his chest with both feet in rapid succession and lands upright as the 
vampire staggers back into the corner column of a small mausoleum. Buffy 
comes at him, but he blocks her first two punches and ducks a third 
swing. Her fourth and fifth punches, however, land on his face, but he 
isn't fazed. He pushes her aside into the wall of the mausoleum, and 
after regaining his balance comes at her again. She slides down the wall 
and kicks out with her leg, making him trip and spin down to the ground. 
As he gets up she leaps at him with a high kick and knocks him back down 
again. She reaches into her jacket for a stake, and when the vampire 
stands back up again and tries to make a grab for her she deftly plunges 
it into his chest. He immediately bursts into a cloud of ashes. Buffy 
yanks the stake back and watches with satisfaction as the ash rains to 
the ground. Then she heads over to Xander and gives him a hand back up 
to his feet.

Buffy:  Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.

They start out of the cemetery.

Xander:  Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~

Sunnydale High School the next morning. Cordelia walks up the steps from 
the street. She sees her friends sitting on a wall and heads over to 
them. When they see her coming they all stand up and make their way 
toward the main entrance, ignoring her.

Cordelia:  Wait up. Hey, wait up! (jogs to catch up) Excuse me! Where's 
the fire sale?

They all stop and turn around to face her.

Harmony:  Oh, sorry. Didn't see you.

Cordelia:  Well, why didn't you call me back last night? We need to talk 
about our outfits for the dance. I'm gonna wear red and black, (points 
at Kate) so you need to switch.

Kate:  Red and black? Is that what Xander likes?

Cordelia:  (confused) Xander? What does he have to do with this?

Harmony:  Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek.

Cordelia:  Xander's just...

Harmony:  (interrupts) When are you two gonna start wearing cute little 
matching outfits? 'Cause I'm planning to vomit. (to the others) Let's 

They all turn away and head into the building, leaving Cordelia behind.

Cut to American Literature class. The bell rings.

Ms. Beakman:  Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to leave without giving 
me a paper is looking at a failing grade.

The camera closes in on Xander sitting at the back of his row two seats 
behind Willow. Buffy is to Willow's right, and they both get ready to 

Xander:  (holding his paper) Ha, ha, ha. This time I'm ready for you. No 
'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus.

He stands up with his paper in his hands. The two girls do the same. 
Willow steps down the aisle and stops next to Amy.

Willow:  Hey, Amy.

Amy:  Hey. (pulls on her backpack) Are you guys going to the Valentine's 
Day dance at the Bronze? I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.

Willow turns to look at Buffy with a huge smile on her face.

Buffy:  Go ahead. You know you wanna say it.

Willow faces Amy again, grinning broadly.

Willow:  My boyfriend's in the band!

Amy:  (smiles and laughs) Cool.

Willow looks back at Buffy.

Buffy:  I think you've now told everybody.

Willow:  Only in this hemisphere. (pulls on her pack)

Amy:  (to Buffy) What about you?

Buffy:  (waves her off) Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to 
sell cards and chocolate.

Amy:  Bad breakup, huh?

Buffy:  Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'.

They all walk up to the teacher's desk, and Buffy hands in her paper.

Mrs. Beakman:  Thank you.

Buffy heads out of the room as Willow holds up her paper as well. Xander 
is just making his way down the aisle behind Amy.

Mrs. Beakman:  (to Willow) Thank you.

Willow follows Buffy out. Amy stands in front of Mrs. Beakman and stares 
her down. There is a long silence as Amy concentrates on staring into 
the teacher's eyes. Xander, standing behind Amy, slowly loses his smile 
as he sees what's going on. A moment later Mrs. Beakman smiles at Amy 
and gestures as though she's accepting a paper from her.

Mrs. Beakman:  Thank you, Amy.

Amy smiles and starts out of the classroom. Xander comes up to the desk 
staring open-mouthed after Amy and hands his paper in also.

Cut to the stairs. Buffy and Willow come walking down. Amy hops down 
past them with a big smile on her face and heads into the lounge.

Willow:  I just hate to think of you solo on Valentine's Day.

The two of them head down the hall. Xander reaches the bottom of the 
stairs behind them and follows as he watches Amy go off in the other 

Buffy:  I'll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have a pig-out and vid fest. 
It's a time-honored tradition among the loveless.

Xander:  (catches up) Did you guys see that? (points at Amy)

Buffy:  See what?

Xander:  In class. I think Amy just worked some magic on Ms. Beakman.

Buffy:  You mean like witchcraft?

Willow:  You know, her mom's a witch.

Buffy:  And an amateur psycho. Amy's the last person that should be 
messing with that stuff.

Xander:  Maybe I should go talk to her.

Giles sees them coming his way and calls out.

Giles:  Buffy! (approaches them) Buffy... Might I have a word?

Buffy:  Have a sentence, even.

Giles:  (gets the joke) Oh. Good. Well, uh...

He happens to glance off into Jenny's classroom as she's talking to a 
student by the door.

Jenny:  (to the student) Back it up before you leave.

She steps into the hall and stops. She and Giles exchange looks with 
each other. Buffy notices the exchange and looks down sadly. Jenny 
shrugs and smiles thinly at Giles.

Jenny:  Rupert.

Giles:  Ms. Calendar. (looks down)

She glances down briefly and back up, then steps toward him.

Jenny:  I'm glad we ran into each other, actually. I was hoping that we 
could, uh... (gestures toward her room) Do you have a minute? (fidgets 
with her hands)

Giles:  Um... (making excuses) Actually, not, not just now. Um, (ahem) 
I, uh, have a matter to discuss with, with Buffy.

Buffy:  (calmly) Right. Let's go.

She gives Jenny a quick glance and squeezes between her and Giles, 
heading for the library. Xander and Willow watch in silence. Giles looks 
up at Jenny for a moment, then slowly turns to follow Buffy. Jenny drops 
her arms in despair, looks at Xander and Willow, and then starts down 
the hall the other way.

Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting at the table hugging her knee while 
Giles comes toward her slowly with his hands in his pockets.

Buffy:  Are you okay?

Giles:  (looks at her) Me? I-I-I'll be fine. (scratches his nose, then 
pockets his hand again) Um, I was more concerned about you, actually. 
Uh, since Angel, um... uh... turned... (sits on the table and folds his 
hands) I've, um, been reading up on, on his earlier activities. Y'know, 
uh, feeding patterns a-and the like.

Buffy:  And?

Giles:  Around Valentine's Day, he, he, he's rather prone to, uh... 
well, um, brutal displays of, uh... He would think of it as affection, I 

Buffy:  Like what?

Giles:  No, no, uh, (gets up) no need to go into details. (steps away)

Buffy:  That bad?

Giles:  (faces her) Suffice it to say I, I think it would be best if you 
stayed off the streets for a few nights. I-I-I'll, um... (sits across 
from her) I'll patrol and keep an eye on things. (Buffy stares off into 
space) Better safe than sorry.

Buffy:  (looks over at him) It's a little late for both.

Dissolve to Spike's warehouse. Drusilla opens a jewelry case, and inside 
is a gold necklace with rubies set into an integrated pendant. The 
camera pans up from it over to Spike in his wheelchair.

Spike:  Fancy it, pet?

Drusilla:  Ahhh. It's beautiful. Mm.

Spike:  Nothing but the best for my gir...

Angelus walks up to the table and sets down a human heart, fresh and 
bloody. He smiles over at Spike, then down at Drusilla.

Angelus:  Happy Valentine's Day, Dru.

Drusilla:  Oh... (holds her hands over it) Angel!

Angelus raises his eyebrows at Spike.

Drusilla:  It's still warm.

Spike closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath, then looks back up at 

Angelus:  I knew you'd like it. (inhales the aroma) I found it in a 
quaint little shopgirl.

He sees the necklace, picks it up and holds it out to have a look at it.

Angelus:  Cute. (reaches around Drusilla's neck with it) Here.

She pulls her hair back and away so he can close the clasp behind her 
neck. Spike wheels toward them, upset with Angelus' forwardness.

Spike:  I'll get it.

Angelus:  (looks up at Spike) Done. I know Dru gives you pity access, 
but you have to admit it's so much easier when I do things for her. 

Spike:  (controlling his anger) You would do well to worry less about 
Dru (Angelus rolls his eyes) and more about that Slayer you've been 
tramping around with.

Angelus:  (paces behind the table) Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to 
decide the best way to send my regards. (sits on the table)

Spike:  Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.

Angelus:  Lacks... poetry.

Spike:  It doesn't have to. (inhales and thinks) What rhymes with lungs?

Drusilla:  Don't worry, Spike. (looks back at Angelus) Angel always 
knows... (looks at the heart) what speaks to a girl's heart.

The camera pans down from her to the heart.

Cut to the Bronze for the Valentine's Day dance. Oz and Devon's band 
Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) are playing "Pain". Xander is at a 
table with Willow, turning a jewelry box around in his hands. The camera 
pans up to Willow watching the band play and bobbing her head to the 
beat. It pulls back to show Xander staring off in another direction, 
oblivious to the music. The camera focuses on the band as Devon sings.

Lyrics:  Feeling I've been lost for years

Oz smiles over at Willow and then looks down at his guitar.

Lyrics:  You can never understand me / Unless you've seen those tears / 
But you never get to sleep

Willow looks up at Oz and smiles. Oz smiles back as he plays.

Lyrics:  When I'm away / I don't mind / The deeper...

Willow:  (to Xander, smiling) Oz has his cool hair today.

Lyrics:  ...that you lay

Willow:  (excited) I think I'm a groupie! (looks back at the band)

Lyrics:  Out of time

Cut to Cordelia coming out of the restrooms.

Lyrics:  Pain, I can't sleep

She looks around and sees her friends.

Cordelia:  (smiles) Oh, hey!

They all give her looks of disgust.

Lyrics:  Pain, I can't sleep

Harmony:  Let's get outta here.

Cordelia just stands there and watches them go.

Lyrics:  Running...

Cut to Buffy's house. She and her mother are lounging back on the couch 
watching TV. The coffee table in front of them is full of plates of 
cookies, cheese puffs and other snacks. Buffy has a bowl of popcorn in 
her lap. They hear a knock at the door and look over in that direction. 
Buffy looks back at her mom, exhales and hands her the popcorn.

Buffy:  Here.

Joyce starts to munch on it. Buffy gets up to answer the door. Cut to 
outside. The camera pans over to the door as Buffy opens it and looks 
out. She is puzzled when there's no one there. She looks further out and 
in both directions. She shrugs with her eyes, goes back inside and 
closes the door. When she steps back into the living room her mother is 
gone. She looks back behind her, through the foyer and into the dining 
room beyond. Joyce is nowhere to be seen.

Buffy:  (concerned) Mom?

She walks through the dining room and into the kitchen.

Buffy:  Mom?

She walks around the island, looking around all the while, then quickly 
out the window when she hears a noise, but sees nothing and continues 
toward the kitchen door. She looks back into the dining room. When she 
reaches the kitchen door she is startled by her mother coming back in 
from outside and gasps.

Joyce:  Buffy, it's me.

Buffy:  Yeah. You just startled me a little.

Joyce:  I was just checking the back door. (closes the door) Somebody, 
um, left these for you.

She sets a long black box with a black bow on the island for Buffy to 
see. She looks up at her mother and raises her eyebrows for an instant 
before lifting the lid off the box. Joyce looks down, curious to see 
what's in it. Buffy stares down at it and sees a dozen red roses along 
with a card bearing a single word: Soon. Her mother looks up at her with 
a little smile, but it fades when she sees how Buffy is just staring 
down at the card without saying a word or reacting in any way.

Cut to the Bronze. The band continues playing.

Lyrics:  Pain, I can't sleep / Pain, I can't sleep

Xander looks around and spots Cordelia sitting alone at a table.

Lyrics:  Pain, I can't sleep

He slowly gets to his feet and walks over to her. She notices him 
coming, looks at him and stands up to meet him. The song is over now.

Xander:  Hey.

Cordelia:  (looks him up and down) Your clothes... You look so good.

Xander:  (looks down at himself) Oh. I let Buffy dress me. (gets a 
confused look from Cordelia) Well, not physically.

Cordelia:  (upset) Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you?

Xander:  Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us 
off on the wrong foot here.

Cordelia:  Xander...

Xander:  (stops her with a gesture) Let me finish. I've been thinking a 
lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, 
a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. 
(Cordelia looks puzzled) A-and maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry 
teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special 
inside me. (Cordelia looks down, then back up) And vice versa. I mean, I 
think I do. See something. So...

He pulls out the jewelry box and hands it to her. She takes it and looks 
up at him.

Cordelia:  Xander... (opens the box) Thank you. (holds up the necklace 
and pendant) It's beautiful. (exhales and looks at him) I wanna break 

Xander:  (looks at her in disbelief) Okay, not quite the reaction I was 
looking for.

Cordelia:  (shaking her head) I know. I'm sorry. It's just... Who are we 
kidding? (Xander looks down at the necklace) Even if parts of us do see 
specialness, we don't fit.

Xander:  (looks up suddenly) Yeah! Okay... (very upset) Do you know 
what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's 
Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?

Cordelia:  (apologetically) I know. I didn't mean to do it this way. 

Xander:  (interrupts) Well, you did.

Cordelia gives him a sorry look. Xander stares back for a moment, then 
turns and goes away. Cordelia looks down at the pendant.

Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander comes moping around the 
corner. A boy passes him in the halls.

Jack:  Dude. (pats Xander's shoulder) Way to get dumped.

He continues down the hall, and Xander does the same. He looks up and 
sees Buffy coming the other way.

Xander:  Ooo, Buffy, my bud, (takes her hand and stops her) you will not 

Buffy:  (looks at him) Can't talk right now. Angel.

Xander:  (lets go of her hand) Do you need help?

Buffy:  It's alright.

She quickly resumes her rapid trek to the library. Xander watches her 
go, then continues down the hall. A group of girls passes around him, 
staring and giggling at him. He exhales and watches them go. A few steps 
further along he hears Harmony address him, and looks over at her.

Harmony:  Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that 
even more girls can reject you.

She and the other girls around her laugh to his face. Xander just keeps 
moping along. A moment later he notices Amy heading toward the stairs in 
front of him. He looks back for an instant and then rushes over to her, 
takes her by the arm and pulls her aside.

Amy:  What are you doing?

Xander:  Amy. Good to see you. (takes a quick look around) You're a 

Amy:  (glances around) No, I'm not. That, that was my mom, remember? 

Xander:  Yeah, I'm thinking it runs in the family. I saw you working 
that mojo on Ms. Beakman. (gestures behind himself) Maybe I should go 
tell somebody about...

Amy:  That's not even... (angrily) That is so mean!

Xander:  (glares back) Blackmail is such an ugly word.

Amy:  I didn't say blackmail.

Xander:  Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it 

Amy:  (folds her arms) What do you want?

Xander:  (chuckles) What do I want? I want some respect around here. I 
want, for *once*, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working 
for me. You and me, Amy... (looks back at Cordelia sitting with Harmony 
now) we're gonna cast a little spell.

Amy looks past him at Cordelia as well, then turns her eyes up at him.

                     ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~

An empty classroom. Xander closes the door behind himself as he follows 
Amy in.

Amy:  A love spell?

Xander:  Yeah. You know, just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't 
breathe anything but little old moi.

Amy:  Well, that kind of thing is the hardest! I mean, to make someone 
love you for all eternity?

Xander:  (waves his hand and shakes his head) Whoa! Whoa, back up. Who 
said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion 
for so long before his head explodes.

Amy:  Well, then I don't get it. If you don't wanna be with her forever, 
then what's the point?

Xander:  The point is I want her to want me. Desperately. So I can break 
up with *her* and subject her to the same hell she's been puttin' *me* 

Amy:  (turns and steps away) Oh, I don't know, Xander. (turns back) 
Intent has to be pure with love spells.

Xander:  Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. Now, are you 
gonna play, or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?

Amy:  (considers) I'll need something of hers. (steps closer) A personal 

Xander:  Alright. (smiles and leaves the room)

Cut to the library. Giles is at the table studying a book. Buffy comes 
striding in and up to the table. She slaps the card that came with the 
roses into the book in front of him. Giles startles a bit and looks up.

Buffy:  'Soon' what, Giles? You never held out on me until the big, bad 
thing in the dark became my ex-honey.

Giles:  (looks at the card) Where did this come from?

Buffy:  He said it with flowers. Look, this isn't the time to start 
becoming Mr. Protective Guy. I can't just hang around, and I can't 
prepare when I don't know what's coming.

Giles:  (sits up in his chair) N-no, of-of course, you're right. 
(gestures to another chair) Uh, s-s-sit, sit down. (stands up)

Cut to the hall. Xander sees Cordelia coming and waits for her. She 
spots him, pivots around and hurries the other way. Xander does a fast 
walk to catch up and passes her, then spins around to stop her in her 

Xander:  Oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I'm not gonna make a big 
scene. I just want the necklace back.

Cordelia:  (in disbelief) What? I thought it was a gift.

Xander:  No. Last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. Figure I 
can melt it down and sell it for fillings or something.

Cordelia:  You're pathetic!

Xander:  Come on, I'm not gonna add to the Cordelia Chase castoff 

Cordelia:  (glares at him) It's in my locker.

Xander:  (points to her locker with his eyes) I can wait.

She gives him another look, then goes over to her locker. Xander steps 
to the side of the hall and leans against the lockers about ten feet 
from her. He watches the people passing by as she works her combination. 
She opens the locker and sets down a book. She glances over at him to 
see if he's looking. Satisfied that he's not paying close attention she 
leans in behind the door, exhales, reaches under the collar of her 
blouse and pulls the necklace and pendant out. Xander just keeps looking 
around the hall. She undoes the clasp, takes it off and lets out a deep 
breath. She closes her locker, steps over to him and hands him the 

Cordelia:  Here. It's a good thing we broke up. Now I don't have to 
pretend I like it.

Xander just gives her a look and leaves.

Cut to the school that night. Cut to the science lab. Xander is holding 
a candle and sitting bare-chested and cross-legged on the floor inside a 
large red symbol for woman painted on the floor. Three red vertical 
stripes are painted on his chest. Amy is at a lab table where she's 
waving the locket over her witch's brew, which is boiling in a beaker 
over a Bunsen burner.

Amy:  Diana... goddess of love and the hunt... I pray to thee. Let my 
cries bind the heart of Xander's beloved. (lowers the necklace into the 
brew) May she neither rest nor sleep (the brew sparks) until she submits 
to his will only.

The flame of the burner becomes huge as the power of the spell emanates 
from the beaker and swirls above it and between her hands.

Amy:  Diana, bring about this love and bless it.

The swirls of energy begin to return to the beaker and disappear.

Amy:  (to Xander) Blow out the candle now!

The spell's power has dissipated. Xander blows out the candle and the 
screen goes black.

Cut to the school the next morning. Cut to the hall outside the lounge. 
Xander sees Cordelia and her friends sitting at a table and goes over to 
them with confidence. He rests one hand on the table and leans over it 
next to Cordelia, looking around at all the girls and giving them a 
smile. Cordelia looks up at him.

Cordelia:  What?

Xander:  (confidently) Morning, ladies. (to Cordelia) Some kind of 
weather we've been having, huh?

Cordelia:  What do you want? You can't be sniffing around for more 
jewelry to melt, because all you ever gave me was that Smallmart-looking 
thing. (looks back down at her notebook)

Xander:  (chuckles and leans in to Cordelia) Is this love? 'Cause maybe 
on you it doesn't look that different.

Cordelia:  (pushes him away) What are you doing? Are you going, like, 
stalker-boy on me now?

Xander:  (confused) Sorry. My mistake.

Cordelia:  Yeah, I should say so.

He walks away. She looks at the other girls at the table.

Cordelia:  What is his deal?

Cut to the library. Giles is sitting on the table looking through a 
book. Buffy is sitting in a chair across from him.

Giles:  Look, here's another. Here. Um, 'Valentine's Day.' Yes, uh... 
'Angel nails a puppy to the...'

Buffy:  (interrupts) Skip it.

Giles:  Uh, but it...

Buffy:  I don't wanna know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it.

Giles:  (closes the book) Right you are. I'll get another batch.

He gets off of the table and heads into his office. Xander walks in and 
up to the table.

Xander:  I have a plan: we use me as bait.

Buffy:  You mean make Angel come after you?

Xander:  No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for 
fish to nibble at 'cause it would be more fun than *my* life.

Buffy:  Yeah. (gets up) I heard about you and Cordy. That's her loss. 
(leans on the table)

Xander:  Yeah. Not really the popular theory.

Buffy:  (looks up at him) You know what I'd like? Why don't you and I do 
something together tonight? Just the two of us.

Xander:  (does a double take) Really?

Buffy:  Yeah. We can comfort each other.

Xander:  Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause 
I find that very comforting. (grins)

She stands up, stares into his eyes and takes a step closer to him.

Buffy:  (smiles) Play your cards right...

Xander:  (stops her with his hand) Okay, uh... You do know that I'm 
Xander, right?

Buffy:  (looks down) I don't know, I just... (looks up) heard that you 
and Cordy broke up, and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was. 
(plays with his shirt) It's funny... (leans into him) how you can see 
someone every day but not really see them. You know?

Xander:  (smiles and chuckles nervously) Yeah, it's funny. And it's just 
gettin' funnier.

She puts her finger to his lips to quiet him and slowly leans toward him 
for a kiss. Behind them Amy walks into the library.

Amy:  Xander, can I talk to you for a minute?

Buffy pulls back slightly. Xander looks at Amy, back at Buffy, then at 
Amy again.

Xander:  Yeah, okay.

Cut to the hall outside the library. Amy comes out with Xander right 
behind her. He makes sure the door is closed, looks in through the 
window at Buffy for a second, and then gives his attention to Amy.

Amy:  Xander.

Xander:  Yeah.

Amy:  I don't think the spell worked out right.

Xander:  Oh, yeah, it bombed. No biggie. (grins)

Amy:  Well, we can always try again.

He looks back through the window and sees Buffy looking out at him.

Amy:  I am still pretty new at this.

Xander:  Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You know what? It was wrong to 
meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. (Amy smiles at him) 
I think we've all grown. I gotta go. (moves to go back in)

Amy:  (stops him with her hand) Oh, we don't have to cast any spells.

He sees Buffy staring out at him with her finger between her lips.

Amy:  We can just... hang out.

Xander:  Sure. (looks at Amy) What?

Amy:  (smiles) Well, I liked spending time with you. You're so sweet. 
You know, it's funny how you can... you can see a person every day 

He starts to realize what's going on.

Xander:  Not really see them.

He looks in at Buffy again. She's still staring out at him, playing with 
her hair between her lips.

Amy:  Exactly. So, anyway, I thought it might...

Another girl approaches them in the hall.

Cordette:  Hi, Xander.

Xander:  What?

Cordette:  You're in Mr. Baird's history class, right?

Xander:  Yeah.

Cordette:  I thought maybe we could study together tonight.

Amy:  (interrupts) Do you mind? We were talking.

The two girls glare at each other. Xander begins to worry.

Xander:  Uh, I really gotta go. Right now.

He heads down the hall away from them. They both just watch him go.

Cut to Xander's room at home. He barges in and slams the door behind 
him. He calms down a bit, takes the few steps over to his bed and sits 
on it. Behind him Willow sits up from under the covers wearing one of 
his shirts and touches him on the back. Xander jumps up in surprise and 
stares at her in shock.

Willow:  Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.

Xander:  (grins nervously) Good job! High marks.

Willow:  Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before.

Xander:  Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Willow:  Xand, I've been thinking.

Xander:  Will, I, I think I know what you've been thinking. But this is 
all my fault. I cast a spell, and it sort of backfired.

Willow:  (rubs the sheets) How long have we been friends?

Xander:  (very nervous) A long, long time. Too long to do anything that 
might change that now.

Willow:  (moves to the edge of the bed) Well, friendships change all the 
time. People grow apart. They grow closer. (smiles up at him)

Xander:  Uh, this is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable 
with this amount of closeness. In fact, (points behind himself) I can 
even back up a few paces and still be happy. (steps back) See? (smiles, 
still nervous)

She gets up from the bed and approaches him. His shirt is the only thing 
she's wearing.

Willow:  I want you, Xander... (smiles) to be my first!

Xander:  (extremely nervous) Baseman. Please tell me we're talking 

He starts to back up when she reaches him. She puts her hands up against 
his chest.

Willow:  Shhh.

He backs into the door. She rubs her hands up and down his chest.

Willow:  We both know it's right. (leans into him for a kiss)

Xander:  (backs his head away) It's not that I don't find you sexy.

Willow:  (leans away to look at him) Is it Oz? (shakes her head) Don't 
worry about him. He's sweet, but... he's not you. (rubs his chest more)

Xander:  Yes, he is. And you should go to him. 'Cause he's me. (grins)

She leans up to the side of his face and starts to suck on his earlobe. 
Xander is sweating bullets now, having no idea how to handle this.

Xander:  I-I don't wanna use force.

She lets go of his ear and leans back to face him again with a wide 
smile on her face.

Willow:  Mm. Force is okay!

She tries for his ear again, but he takes her by the arms and pushes her 
away. She stares at him in confusion.

Xander:  Th-that's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like 
a man. (opens the door behind him) And hide. (rushes out)

Cut to the hall at school. Cordelia comes in at the far end and walks up 
to her friends standing there in a huddle. They all cross their arms and 
face her when she arrives.

Cordelia:  Ha. Very funny. What did I do now, wear red and purple 

Harmony:  You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you.

They all walk past her in disgust. She turns around, and they face her 
when she speaks.

Cordelia:  Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with 

Harmony:  Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her 
friends said.

They all give her a huff and leave.

Cordelia:  What does it take to make you people happy?

Cut to a pair of doors in the halls. The camera is at a low angle for a 
shot of Xander's shoes as he pushes open the doors and walks into the 
hall in slow motion to the tune of "Got the Love" by The Average White 

Lyrics:  Hey, yeah / Got the love, got the love

Cut to Xander staring at all the girls looking at him with love in their 
eyes, some giggling, some giving him sexy looks, some just watching him 

Lyrics:  Mm, yeah / Got the love, got the love

He looks over at the other side of the hall, and it's more of the same.

Lyrics:  Got the love, got the love / Sugar baby / Got the love, got the 

Xander keeps walking up the hall. The guys are clearly not happy that he 
has the attention of all the girls.

Lyrics:  Oh, now, babe, you've been gone such a long time

Behind him the girls start to gather and follow.

Lyrics:  Been thinkin' 'bout what it is we got

Several girls cross in front of him and check him out.

Lyrics:  Not all the time in the world / Whoo! / But got a lot

Xander looks around in disbelief.

Lyrics:  Now, there's much more than a ghost of a chance

More girls stare at him walking by, and he gets looks and shakes of 
heads from the guys.

Lyrics:  We can make it right this time

A group of four girls starts to tail him down the hall.

Lyrics:  'Cause you've got to stay mine

Cut to the library. Xander comes in, closes the door behind him and 
checks to see if any of the girls are following him in.

Lyrics:  Yeah, I got the love / Got the love, got the love

Satisfied he has no stalkers, he heads into the library to find Giles as 
the music fades out.

Lyrics:  We got to make it work / Got the love, got the love

Giles:  (comes down the stairs) Xander. (looks at him) What is it? (sets 
his books down)

Xander:  It, it's me... throwing myself at your mercy.

Giles:  What? Why? (takes off his glasses to clean them)

Xander:  I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into 
witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I... made her put the love 
whammy on Cordy, but it backfired, and now every woman in Sunnydale 
wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper, 

Jenny comes into the library behind them and strides up to Giles.

Jenny:  Rupert, we need to talk. Hey, Xander. Nice shirt. (rubs his 
shirt) Look, Rupert, I know that you're angry at me, and I don't blame 
you, but I am not just gonna go away. (keeps rubbing Xander's arm) I 
mean, I care far too much about you to... (looks at Xander's arm) Have 
you been working out?

Xander gives Giles a 'see what I mean?' look. Giles grabs Jenny by the 
arms and pulls her away and behind him.

Jenny:  Oh!

She stares at Xander with a look of desire in her eyes. Giles looks at 
her, at Xander, back at her, and finally back at Xander.

Giles:  I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like 

Xander:  Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Jenny keeps staring at him while she plays with her necklace.

Giles:  Has, uh... Has Amy tried to reverse the spell?

Xander:  I get around Amy and all she wants to do is talk honeymoon 

Jenny:  (steps toward Xander) Rupert, maybe I need to talk to Xander 

Giles:  (pushes her back) Do you have any idea how serious this is? 
People under a-a love spell, Xander, are-are deadly. They lose all 
capacity for reason.

He looks at Jenny who has begun rubbing her hands over her face and 
neck, then down her body.

Giles:  (to Xander) And if what you say is true and the entire female 
population is affected, I... (sternly) Don't leave the library. (Jenny 
keeps staring) I'll find Amy and see if we can put a stop to this thing.

He starts to leave the library. Jenny rubs her fingers together, alone 
at last with Xander, and sashays up to him. He steps back away from her. 
Giles walks back up to them, takes Jenny by the hand and pulls her out 
of the library behind him. Jenny moans and reaches her arm out to Xander 
as Giles drags her off.

Jenny:  No!

Xander realizes he's finally alone without any girls around, and quickly 
moves to push the mobile card catalog in front of the doors in an 
attempt to keep it that way. As he heads back toward the table Buffy 
pulls the door out and open and steps in wearing only a short black 
raincoat that reaches barely down to mid-thigh and black high heels. 
When Xander hears the door swing shut and smack the card catalog behind 
him he spins around and stares at Buffy in shock. She is standing there 
with one hand on the catalog and the other propped up on top of the 
theft detector and smiles at him as she raises her right ankle and rubs 
it against her left calf.

Buffy:  Alone at last.

Xander:  (stares open-mouthed) Buff, give me a heart attack!

Buffy:  Oh, (starts a sexy walk toward him) I'm gonna give you more than 
that. (grabs her raincoat belt to untie it)

Xander:  (backs away, gesturing with his hands) Buff, for the love of 
God, don't open that raincoat.

Buffy:  Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present? 
(undoes a button)

Xander:  (keeps backing toward the stairs nervously) It's not that I 
don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you 
might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. (trips and falls 
backward onto the stairs) Not like this. This isn't real to you. (Buffy 
steps up and puts her leg over him) You're only here because of a spell. 
(gets a confused stare from her) I mean, if I thought you had one clue 
what it would mean to me... (shakes his head) But you don't. So I can't.

Buffy:  (starts to get upset) So you're saying this is all a game?

Xander:  A game? I... No!

Buffy:  (angry) You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What 
am I, a toy?

Xander:  Buffy, please calm down.

Buffy:  I'll calm down when you explain yourself!

Amy:  (appears behind them) Get away from him. (Buffy turns to her) He's 

Buffy:  (steps toward Amy) Oh, I don't think so. (looks back at him) 
Xander, tell her.

Xander:  What? I, uh...

Amy:  He doesn't have to say. (Buffy looks back at her) I know what his 
heart wants.

Buffy:  Funny, I know what your face wants.

She swings and punches Amy in the face. She falls to the floor. Buffy 
confronts Xander.

Buffy:  What is this, you're two-timing me?

Xander doesn't know what to say. Amy gets up. Her nose is bloody and her 
eyes have become pitch-black. She begins to weave a spell with her 

Amy:  Goddess Hecate, work thy will.

Xander:  Uh-oh.

The spell's energy swirls around her.

Amy:  Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!

She thrusts her arms out at Buffy, and the power of the spell leaps from 
her hands and envelops the Slayer. The energy soon dissipates.

Xander:  Buffy! (stares in utter disbelief) Oh, my God!

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~

The library. Xander looks down at Buffy's empty raincoat lying on the 
floor, then back up at Amy. Giles comes back into the library with 

Giles:  What, what just happened?

Xander:  (indicates the raincoat) Buffy.

Jenny smiles broadly when she sees Xander and tries to go to him, but 
Giles holds her back.

Giles:  Where is she?

They both look down at the raincoat. Cut to a shot of a sleeve. Buffy 
has been turned into a rat, and she comes crawling out.

Giles:  Oh, my God!

Amy:  (steps over to Xander) Why is she here? (gestures at Jenny)

Xander:  Can you focus for a minute? You just turned Buffy into a rat.

Buffy starts to scamper across the floor. Giles follows her with his 

Amy:  (to Xander) Buffy can take care of herself. (takes his arm) Why 
don't we go someplace private?

Jenny puts her hands on her hips and gives Amy a haughty look. Giles 
looks around for where Buffy went.

Xander:  (jerks his arm away) Can you... I'm not going anywhere until 
you change her back.

Jenny:  (steps over to Amy) You heard him. So why don't you undo your 
little magic trick and get lost?

Amy:  Who made you Queen of the World? Well, you're old enough to be.

Jenny:  Well, what can I say? (grabs Xander by the shirt) I guess 
Xander's just too much man (pulls him closer) for the pimple squad.

Amy puts her arm between them and pushes Xander away from Jenny. She 
waves her hands before her and begins to cast another spell. Her eyes 
turn pitch-black, and energy begins to swirl around her as she speaks.

Amy:  Goddess Hecate, to you I pray, with this...

Xander:  (puts his hand over Amy's mouth) Would you quit with the 
Hecate?! (pulls her back and away)

Cut to the halls. Cordelia is at her locker and closes it. She starts 
down the hall, but runs into Harmony and friends waiting to confront 

Cordelia:  Okay, what now? You don't like my locker combination?

Harmony:  (hands on her hips) It's just not right. You never loved him. 
You just used him. You make me sick.

Cordelia:  (sarcastically) Okay, Harmony, if you need to borrow my 
Midol, just ask.

Harmony slaps Cordelia across the face. She holds her hand to her face 
and looks at Harmony in surprise. She turns to go the other way, but 
Cordette blocks her way and pushes her up against the lockers. Then she 
and another girl pull her away from the wall and shove her down to the 

Cut to the library. Giles has had enough and talks sternly to Amy and 

Giles:  You two, sit. (Amy goes to the table) And be quiet. (Jenny joins 
her) We have to catch the Buffy rat. (takes off his coat)

Xander:  (spots Buffy) Ooo, there!

Buffy squeezes behind a bookcase as he rushes to try to catch her. Amy 
and Jenny sit down at the table across from one another, each staring at 
the other. Xander is too late to get Buffy, but he sees her crawl along 
the space behind the case toward the other end. He quickly crawls along 
the front of the case to head her off. Giles watches at the end that 
Xander just left. Xander peeks around the other end of the bookcase to 
wait for Buffy to come out.

Xander:  Good Buffy. Just...

He sees someone come up next to him and looks up. There he sees Oz 
standing over him, and the next thing he knows Oz has punched him in the 
face. He stumbles backward into the shelves. Giles is startled and looks 
up as well. Oz shakes out his hand. Buffy makes her escape from behind 
the bookcase and goes out of the library doors into the hall.

Oz:  (still shaking his hand) That kinda hurt.

Xander:  (rubbing his cheek) Kinda?! What was that for?

Oz:  I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about *you*. 
Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very 
strong urge to... hit you. (offers his hand to help Xander up)

Xander:  (takes Oz's hand and gets up) I didn't touch her. I swear.

Giles:  (upset) Xander! Where's Buffy? (starts looking again)

Xander:  (to Oz) Amy turned her into a rat.

Oz:  (looks around) Oh.

Giles and Xander get on their knees and look around while making 
squeaking noises. Oz crouches down to look as well.

Giles:  I don't see her. If anything happens to her, I'll... (looks at 
Xander in disgust) Oh, just go home. (stands up) Lock yourself away. 
You're only going to cause more problems here. Now, Amy, Jenny and I 
will, uh... try and break the spell. (the women stand up) Oz, if, if you 
could aid us in, in finding, um... Buffy.

Oz:  Sure. Absolutely.

Xander starts to say something, but Giles cuts him off before he can 
even get out a word, doing his best to control his anger.

Giles:  Just go. Get out of my sight.

Xander doesn't take it very well and stares at Giles for a moment with 
his mouth agape, but then goes with his head hung low. Oz crouches back 
down to look for Buffy.

Oz:  Buffy...

Cut to the hall. Xander comes out of the library, still looking down, 
when he hears Cordelia cry out and looks down the hall toward her voice.

Cordelia:  What are you doing?! You guys are crazy!

He sees a group of girls apparently involved in a catfight.

Harmony:  You thought you could do better, is that it?

Cordelia:  No, I...

Cordette:  We'll knock that snotty attitude right out of you!

The crowd of girls opens a bit, and Xander sees that it is indeed 
Cordelia that they are attacking. He starts running toward them, and 
when they see him coming several of them break off and come at him, 
screaming and shouting. In their lust they try to grab him as the others 
push Cordelia to the floor. He fights his way through them and over to 
Cordelia, where one girl has begun pulling at her hair.

Cordelia:  Ow! Stop!

When he reaches her, he pushes the hair-pulling girl aside, picks up 
Cordelia from the floor into his arms and shakes the girls off as he 
runs from the hall. They all chase after him.

Cut to the library. Jenny paces while Giles sits at the table and goes 
through some books. Amy, seated opposite him, wipes the blood from her 

Giles:  You must have botched the ritual so that Cordelia's necklace 
actually protected her from the spell. Th-th-that one should be easily 
reversible. W-w-where did you learn animal transformation?

Amy:  (looks up at Giles) Why did you send Xander away? (Giles puts his 
hands to his eyes in despair) He needs me.

Jenny:  (chortles) That's a laugh.

Amy:  (to Jenny) He loves me. We look into each other's souls.

Jenny:  No one can love two people at once. What *we* have is real.

Giles:  Instead of making me ill, why doesn't one of you try to help me?

Amy:  (looks back into her pocket mirror) You have no idea what I'm 
going through.

Giles:  (gets up) (to Amy, sternly) I know it's not love. It's 
obsession. Selfish, banal obsession. (Jenny starts out of the library) 
Now, Xander has put himself in very great danger. If you cared at all 
about him, you'd help me save him, rather than wittering on about your 

Amy looks away from him. Jenny goes out the door. Giles pokes his 
fingers into the book in front of Amy.

Giles:  Now, let's get on with some work. (turns to Jenny) Now, Jenny... 
(sees she's gone) Great!

Cut to an exit from the halls to outside. Xander and Cordelia come 
running out.

Xander:  I think we... (sees a crowd of girls waiting for them) lost 

Willow is at the front of the crowd holding a large fire ax.

Willow:  I should've known I'd find you with her.

Xander:  Will... Come on, you don't wanna hurt me.

Willow:  Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me. I love you so 
much! I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch.

She raises the ax and advances toward him. The others start toward him 
as well. Harmony and her friends come running out of the hall now, too, 
and confront the crowd. The girls all scream and yell as they fight. 
Harmony grabs Willow's ax and wrestles her for it.

Harmony:  Get away from him! He's mine!

As the girls all fight Xander and Cordelia make their escape. When the 
girls realize they've gone they start to give chase.

Cut to the school basement door standing ajar. Buffy scampers in and 
hops down each step. She makes her way over to the boiler room. Oz has 
managed to track her and comes down the steps behind her with a 
flashlight. When he reaches the bottom of the steps he scans around, 
looking for where she went. Buffy goes into the boiler room, and Oz soon 
follows. A cat sees Buffy and meows meanly at her. Buffy squeaks and 
runs off. The cat chases after her.

Cut to Buffy's street. Xander and Cordelia come running down it and slow 
to a walk.

Xander:  Okay, now I really think we've lost them.

Cordelia:  Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made *you* 

Xander:  (sees the house) Buffy's house. Let's get inside. I'll explain 

They run up to the door and Xander knocks fast and loud, looking back to 
see if the crowd of girls has found them yet. Cordelia joins in the 

Cordelia:  (frantic) Come on!

Joyce:  (opens the door) Xander, Cordelia, what...

They push their way in past her.

Cordelia:  Yeah, hi.

She slams the door shut behind her, and she and Xander look out the 
small windows in the door to make sure there's still no one following 

Cut inside the kitchen. Xander walks in with Joyce and Cordelia close 

Joyce:  What happened? Why are you all scratched up? Where's Buffy?

Xander:  She's, um... around.

Joyce:  (gestures to a stool) Well, sit down and tell me about it. 
(Xander sits) (to Cordelia) Why don't you run upstairs and grab some 
bandages out of the bathroom?

Cordelia goes down the hall toward the stairs. Joyce looks at Xander 

Joyce:  Let me, uh, get you something to drink. You in the mood for cold 
or hot?

Xander:  I, uh... (shrugs with his hands)

Joyce:  (walks around behind him) I think it's (starts rubbing his 
shoulders) more of a *hot* night, don't you? (leans in and giggles)

Xander:  (drops his head to the table) Whatever.

Joyce:  (massages his shoulders) Ooo, you are so tense. (kisses his 
neck) Mm.

Cordelia:  (comes back) What are you doing? Make me yak!

Joyce:  (defensive) Cordelia, go back upstairs. This is between us.

Cordelia:  Gross! I think not.

She grabs Joyce by the arm and pushes her back toward the door and opens 

Joyce:  What are you doing? Hey! Get your hands off me!

Cordelia pushes her out of the door, slams it shut and locks it.

Cordelia:  And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former! (to 
Xander) Why has everyone gone insane?

Xander:  Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women 
find me attractive?

Cordelia:  The only way you could get girls to want you would be 

Xander:  That is such a... (concedes) Well, yeah, okay, good point.

Joyce breaks one of the kitchen door windowpanes.

Cordelia:  Oh, my God!

Joyce reaches in and feels around for the lock.

Joyce:  Xander, honey, let Joycie in. Hon, let Joycie in!

Xander gets up, takes hold of Cordelia and leads her out of the kitchen 
at a run.

Xander:  Upstairs! Buffy's room!

Joyce:  (finds and works the lock) Sweetheart...

Cut to Buffy's room. They run in, and Cordelia slams the door shut. 
Xander goes to the window and checks outside.

Xander:  Good. The mob still hasn't found us. We should be safer up 

Just as he looks back from the window Angelus grabs him from outside.

Angelus:  Works in theory.

He pulls Xander out onto the roof.

Cordelia:  (terrified) Xander!

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~

The boiler room at school. The cat has apparently gone or been chased 
away. Buffy crawls around, trying to find the source of a scent. The 
camera pans behind some crates over to a trap baited with cheese.

Cut to the roof outside of Buffy's window. Angelus grabs Xander by the 

Angelus:  Where's Buffy?!

Cordelia comes up to the window and looks out at them.

Xander:  Cordy, get outta here!

Angelus throws him off of the roof to the lawn below. He leaps down 
after him and stands over him.

Angelus:  Perfect. (grabs Xander and pulls him up) I wanted to do 
something special for Buffy, actually to Buffy, but this is *so* much 

Xander knees him in the crotch, but Angelus isn't fazed. He flips Xander 
over backward onto the grass again. He bends down, grabs Xander's hair 
and lifts his head up.

Angelus:  If it's any consolation, I feel very close to you right now.

A hand grabs Angelus by the shoulder, pulls him up and throws him aside 
into a tree. He hits it hard and slides down to the ground. Xander jumps 
to a conclusion and looks up at his savior.

Xander:  Buffy, how...

Drusilla:  Don't fret, kitten. (helps him up) Mummy's here.

Angelus:  I don't know what you're up to, Dru, but it *doesn't* amuse!

She growls at Angelus and he growls back.

Drusilla:  If you harm one hair on this boy's head... (strokes his hair)

Angelus:  You've gotta be kidding. Him?

Drusilla:  Just because I finally found a *real* man... (turns Xander to 
face her)

Angelus:  I guess I really *did* drive you crazy. (backs away)

Drusilla:  (runs her fingers over Xander's lips) Your face is a poem. 
(moans) I can read it.

Xander:  (terrified) Really? It doesn't say 'spare me' by any chance?

Drusilla:  Shhh. (kisses him) How do you feel about eternal life?

Xander:  (trembles with fear) We couldn't just start with a coffee? A 
movie, maybe?

She grabs his hair and jerks his head to the side, exposing his neck. 
She moves in to bite him, but gets distracted by the screams of the mob 
of women running at them. Willow leads them with her ax. Jenny and the 
rest are right behind. Some of the others have weapons as well.

Girl:  There he is! Get them!

Jenny:  He's mine! Get off!

Drusilla lets go of Xander. Willow shoves her aside. Jenny jumps onto 
Xander and knocks him to the ground. All the girls are screaming. 
Several of them including Harmony begin to paw at him. Willow stands 
over him with her ax. Cordelia comes out of the house and rushes toward 
the mob. Xander gets pinned down, and Willow raises her ax to strike.

Willow:  All you had to do was love me!

Cordelia:  No!

She grabs the ax and shoves Willow over and onto the ground, then tries 
to free Xander.

Cordelia:  Get out of the way! Move it! Get off him!

She pushes the one that has him pinned down off of him, grabs his hand 
and pulls him up.

Cordelia:  Back off!

She pushes him ahead of her, and they start to run back to the house. 
They just manage to slam the door in the faces of their pursuers. Cut to 
outside the door to the kitchen. Drusilla hits it with both hands, and 
it goes crashing to the floor. Two girls rush in beside her.

Girl:  I love you!

When Drusilla tries to follow an unseen force prevents from entering the 
house. Angelus watches from behind her.

Angelus:  Ahh! Sorry, Dru. (she turns to face him) I guess you're not 

Cut to Xander and Cordy inside the front door. Joyce comes up behind 
them holding a large knife.

Joyce:  It's never gonna work for us, Xander. We have to end it.

The other two girls come up behind her. Cordelia yells out in fright as 
Xander pulls her away from the door. Cut inside the basement. Xander and 
Cordelia rush in. He pulls the door closed behind him and hooks it shut.

Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues scanning with his flashlight.

Oz:  Here, Buffy.

Cut to the trap. The camera pans up from it over to a pile of rags. 
Buffy climbs over the pile and heads for the trap.

Cut to the science lab. Giles and Amy have a beaker of brew going over a 
Bunsen burner. Giles checks everything and is satisfied.

Giles:  Right. (to Amy) Go on. You first.

Cut to the basement at Buffy's house. The door is being yanked at 
violently. Xander has hammered a couple of boards across the doorframe 
and looks back at Cordelia.

Xander:  Gimme a nail!

She hands him a nail and he goes back to hammering.

Cordelia:  If we die in here I'm gonna kick your ass! I mean it!

Xander:  (looks back at her) None of this would've happened if you 
hadn't broken up with me. But no, you're so desperate to be popular! 

Cordelia:  Me? I'm not the one who embraced the black arts just to get 
the girls to like me. Well, congratulations, it worked!

Xander:  (looks at her) Would've worked fine, except your hide's so 
thick, not even magic can penetrate it! (hammers)

She is surprised by that, and reaches out to him. He turns to face her 

Cordelia:  You mean the spell was for me?

They look at each other for a moment, then a knife blade stabs through 
the door. Cordelia screams, and they both run down the steps. Once at 
the bottom they hear glass breaking and see a hand reach in through the 
basement window.

Girl reaching in:  Oh, please let me touch you!

Cut to the boiler room. Buffy crawls onto the trap.

Cut to the science lab. Amy begins her chant.

Amy:  Goddess of creatures great and small, I conjure thee to withdraw.

Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues looking for Buffy. Cut to the lab.

Amy:  Hecate, I hereby license thee to depart.

Giles sprinkles a powder into the beaker and it sparks. Cut to the 
boiler room. A bright light begins to flash from behind the crate where 
Buffy is. Oz holds up his flashlight and squints against the light. In a 
few seconds it's over.

Oz:  Buffy?

She raises her head and looks around from behind the crate.

Cut to the basement at the Summers house. Cordelia screams as she and 
Xander run into the area where the washer and dryer are. Willow finally 
gets the door open.

Cordelia:  Oh, my God!

Xander spots a large pipe wrench and grabs it to use as a weapon.

Xander:  Stay behind me.

Willow ducks under the boards Xander nailed across the doorframe and 
starts down the stairs. Joyce is right behind her with her knife. A 
crowd of girls follows them. Cordelia and Xander retreat into the corner 
by the water heater.

Cut to the lab at school. Giles takes a pinch of an herb from a jar.

Giles:  Um... Diana, goddess of love, be gone.

He puts the herb into the brew and it sparks.

Giles:  Hear no more thy siren's song.

Cut to Buffy's basement. Willow leads the way in. When they find Xander 
and Cordelia they all charge them, screaming and shouting. They knock 
Xander and Cordelia to the floor. The two of them have to fight off the 
girls' grabbing hands.

Cordelia:  Get off!

Willow has dropped her ax and paws at them like the others. Xander 
struggles to keep from being torn apart.

Cut to the lab. Giles waves Cordelia's pendant over the brew and drops 
it in. Suddenly a cloud of energy appears above them, and they have to 
hold on to the lab table to keep from being knocked down. The energy 
draws in from the windows and spirals down into the beaker. As quickly 
as it was there it's gone.

Cut to the basement. The gang of girls stops struggling. Cordelia pushes 
one of them away.

Cordelia:  Get off me!

They all stand up and look around at each other.

Girl:  What's going on? Where am I? What's going on?

Cut to the boiler room. Buffy stands up and Oz raises his flashlight and 
shines it on her. She looks down at herself. He immediately raises the 
light away from her and turns it off. She hugs her arms around herself 
to cover up.

Buffy:  (smiles) Hi, Oz!

Oz:  Hi.

Buffy:  I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.

Oz:  But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.

Buffy:  You think maybe you could get me some clothing?

Oz:  Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere. (leaves)

Buffy:  (looks around) Really not an issue.

Cut to Joyce's basement. Everyone is still confused. Joyce looks around 
at all the people in her basement.

Joyce:  What... What did we...

Cordelia:  (thinking quick) Boy, that was the best scavenger hunt ever.

She and Xander smile at everyone lamely.

Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander and Buffy come walking 
around the corner and continue toward the library.

Buffy:  Scavenger hunt.

Xander:  Your mom seemed to buy it.

Buffy:  So she says. I think she's just so wigged at hitting on one of 
my friends that she's repressing. She's getting pretty good at that. I 
should probably start worrying.

Xander:  Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular.

Buffy:  It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?

Xander:  Mostly, but, uh... Willow won't even talk to me.

Buffy:  Any particular reason she should?

Xander:  How much groveling are we talking here?

Buffy:  Oh, a month, at least. (they stop and face each other) Xander, 
come on, I mean... this is worse for her than anyone. She loved you 
before you invoked the great Roofie spirit. The rest of us...

Xander:  You remember, huh?

Buffy:  Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to 
undress me... And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that 
you didn't.

Xander:  Need cheese?

Buffy:  Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said.

Xander:  C'mon, Buffy, I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, 
for a minute, it was touch and go there...

Buffy:  You came through. There might just be hope for you yet.

Xander:  Well, tell that to Cordelia.

Buffy:  You're on your own there.

She goes off down the hall leaving Xander alone.

Cut to the colonnade. Cordelia, Harmony and friends come walking around 
under the balcony and head toward the foot of the stairs.

Harmony:  Cody Weinberg called me at home last night.

Cordelia:  Cody Weinberg? The one with the 350sl?

Harmony:  The very one. Said he's thinking of asking me to the pledge 
dance on Thursday.

Cordelia:  That's so huge!

Harmony:  Yeah, there's just two other girls he's gonna ask first, and 
if they refuse, then I'll...

Xander bumps into Harmony as they round the corner to the stairs.

Harmony:  Watch it!

Xander:  Sorry.

Harmony:  God! (looks him up and down) Y'know, I'm glad your mom stopped 
working at the drive-through long enough to dress you. (to Cordelia) Oh, 
that reminds me. (Xander starts away) Did you see Jennifer's backpack? 
It is *so* a crying...

Cordelia:  (interrupts) Harmony, shut up. (Xander looks back) Do you 
know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.

Harmony:  I'm not a sheep.

Cordelia:  You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does 
just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your 
approval, when I'm *way* cooler than you are 'cause I'm *not* a sheep. I 
do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? 
(Xander smiles) I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how 
lame he is.

Xander's smiles fades at that. Cordelia leaves the group and goes over 
to him. He smiles again. When she reaches him she takes his arm and they 
start walking together along the colonnade.

Cordelia:  (breathing hard with anxiety) Oh, God! Oh, God!

Xander:  (pats her hand) You're gonna be okay. Just keep walkin'.

Cordelia:  Oh, God, what have I done? They're never gonna speak to me 

Xander:  Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you 
and I can fight a lot.

Cordelia:  You promise?

Xander:  (takes her hand in his) You can pretty much count on it.

They both smile as they continue walking.

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