Written by:  David Greenwalt & Joss Whedon
Directed by:  Bruce Seth Green
Transcribed by:  AleXander Thompson

Copyright  1998 Alexander Thompson

                   ~~~~~~~~~~ Disclaimer ~~~~~~~~~~

I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to 
the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". They were created by 
Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui 
Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and dry 
transcript of the episode "Ted". It also includes descriptions of the 
settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were 

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this 
episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please 
let me know and I will post an update.                     rev 98.10.05

This episode was originally broadcast on December 8, 1997.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against 
the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.

Buffy's street at night. Willow and Xander are walking ahead of her on 
their way to her house.

Xander:  You don't know what you're talking about.

Willow:  Xander, he was obviously in charge.

Xander:  He was a puppet! She was using him!

Willow:  He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be 

Xander:  Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing 
second fiddle. (turns behind him) Buffy.

Buffy:  Huh?

Xander:  Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tennille?

Buffy:  Ummm... Who are these people?

Xander:  The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a 
culture-free environment!

Buffy:  I'm sorry. I was just...

Willow:  Thinking?

Buffy:  No, not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts. I love it 
when things are quiet around here.

Xander:  Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been 
ridin' the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying 

Buffy:  Yeah, but we'll let you off this time.

They turn down the walk to Buffy's house.

Willow:  So, we're pretty sure that there're not more Tarakan assassins 
coming our way?

Buffy:  Angel's sources say the contract's off.

Xander:  How *is* Angel? Pretend I care.

Buffy:  (smiles) Getting better.

Willow:  And you're loving playing nursemaid?

Buffy:  Oh, yeah!

Xander:  So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy:  Xander...

He chuckles as they climb the steps to the porch. Buffy gets out her key 
and reaches up to put it in the door lock. When she pushes on it to 
insert it the door just swings in. Cut inside. Buffy stares in, 
concerned to find the door unlocked.

Buffy:  You guys wait here a second.

She slowly walks in and looks around. After a few seconds she hears a 
glass fall and break in the kitchen and her mother cry out.

Joyce:  (from the kitchen) No!

Buffy rushes through the dining room to the kitchen door and pushes it 

Buffy:  Mom!

There she catches her mother locked in an embrace with and kissing a 
man. They break off their kiss, and all three of them stare awkwardly at 
each other.

Buffy:  Oh, my... (exhales) I'm sorry, I... (exhales) I heard...

Joyce:  Uh, I-I-I broke a wineglass. Y-y-you're home early.

Ted:  Hi.

Buffy:  Hi.

Joyce:  (to Ted) Oh! Uh, this is my daughter, Buffy. (to Buffy) Buffy, 
this is Ted.

Buffy just stares at him, unsure how to react.

Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~

The kitchen at Buffy's house. Xander and Willow have been invited to 
stay for dinner. Ted is cooking. He opens the oven and slides in a 
baking sheet full of mini pizzas.

Ted:  Okay, here we go!

Cut to outside the kitchen door. Joyce empties the dustpan full of 
broken glass into the trashcan.

Buffy:  So. All these late nights at the gallery recently I gather you 
were cataloging more than art.

Joyce:  Well, I... I've been looking for the right moment to introduce 
you two. He's a wonderful man.

Buffy looks over her shoulder at Ted cooking.

Ted:  Sprinkle that on...

Xander:  Uh, a little more. Okay, more...

Buffy:  How'd you meet?

Joyce:  Oh, he sells, uh, computer software. He redid my entire system 
at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.

Buffy:  To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.

Joyce:  You weren't supposed to see that.

Cut inside the kitchen. Ted takes the cast-iron pan from the stove, goes 
over to the island with it and scoops out several finished pizzas.

Willow:  I like my new nine-Gig hard drive.

Ted:  But you don't love it, 'cause without the DMA upgrade your 
computer's only half a rocket ship.

Willow:  Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?

Ted:  Well, you can! I get the demos for free, I don't see why I 
shouldn't give 'em to you for the same price! Any friend of Buffy's...

Willow squeals with delight. Xander munches on one of the mini pizzas.

Ted:  What?

Xander:  Oh, that's the sound she makes when she's speechless with 
geeker joy. Can I just say, this is the finest pizza *ever* on God's 
green Earth. What is your secret?

Ted:  Well, after you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil, but 
you gotta use (knocks his pan) a cast-iron skillet. No room for 
compromise there.

Buffy and Joyce come back into the kitchen.

Xander:  Y'know, you should market these things. I mean, you can get 
two, three hundred bucks apiece!

Ted laughs at that and takes the plate with the pizzas over to Buffy.

Ted:  Hungry?

Buffy:  No, thanks.

Ted:  Buffy, I want to apologize. That wasn't how I wanted us to meet. I 
wanted it to be... perfect. I'm very fond of your mother, I guess that's 
pretty obvious. I know you're the most (gestures toward the picture of 
the two of them on the refrigerator) important thing in her life, and, 
well, gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too.

Joyce overheard and comes over to stand next to Ted.

Joyce:  Buffy, I really want you to be okay with this.

Ted:  Beg to differ: *we* really want you to be okay with this.

They both smile at Buffy.

Buffy:  I'm okay.

Joyce:  You are?

Buffy:  I am. (smiles stiffly)

Cut to the park. A picnic table stands there empty. Suddenly a vampire 
comes crashing down onto it, and it collapses underneath him. He shakes 
off the blow as he gets back up and comes at Buffy again. She grabs the 
metal lid from a trashcan while Giles looks on. She uses it as a shield 
to block the vampire's punch and then hits him over the head with it. He 
falls to his knee, but gets back up. She hits him with it again and he 
falls to his other knee and quickly gets up again. She hits him a third 
time and he staggers again.

Giles:  Buffy? I-I believe he's, he's, um...

Buffy swings down with the lid from above onto the vampire's head. He 
just absorbs the blow and comes at her with a punch. She blocks the 
swing with the lid again and swings it around onto his head from above 
again. Giles winces at what he's seeing. Buffy blocks another punch, 
then discards the lid and kicks the vampire in the face.

Giles:  It, it's, it's staking time, really. Don't you think?

Buffy kicks the vampire again and follows up with a punch to the jaw. 
Giles sits down on a bench to wait, holding his bag in his lap. Buffy 
throws a right jab to the vampire's face. She follows up with a kick to 
his knee, making the vampire fall to the ground. She pulls a stake out 
of her jacket and cleanly jams it into his chest and pulls it back out. 
The vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy looks around as she walks over to 

Buffy:  Any others?

Giles:  Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not.

Buffy:  What? I kill vampires, that's my job.

Giles:  Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into 
quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything alright?

Buffy:  Yeah! Fine!

She walks around him, steps up onto the bench and sits on the backrest.

Buffy:  I killed a vampire here on Wednesday. Why are they hanging out 
at the park?

Giles:  Well, they're... scattered, you know. Now their leaders are 
gone, with any luck dead. In times of crisis they usually return to the 
easiest feeding grounds.

Buffy:  Vampires are creeps.

Giles:  Yes, that's why one slays them.

Buffy:  I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then 
vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take 
over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini 
pizzas, and everyone's like, 'I like your mini pizzas,' but I'm telling 
you, I am...

Giles:  (interrupts) Uh, uh, Buffy! I-I believe the... subtext here is, 
is, rapidly becoming, uh, (clears his throat) uh, text. Are you sure 
there's nothing you want to share?

Buffy:  No. Forget it. (looks around again) Think there'll be any more? 
I-I can wait.

Cut to Sunnydale High the next day.

Buffy:  If you say one more word, things will become dire.

Cut to the halls. Xander, Willow and Buffy are walking.

Xander:  Did you even bother to taste 'em? Nooo! Well, I did, and I'm 
here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life! Ted is the 
master chef!

Buffy:  Fine! So he's a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you 
about a person?

Xander:  Everything.

Willow:  You don't like him?

Buffy:  I don't *know* him. I, I mean, so far all I see is someone who 
apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really 
likes him.

Xander:  (in a rough voice) What kind of a monster is he?

Buffy:  I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this 

Willow:  (giggles) He's a clean clown! (gets stares from the others) I 
have my own fun.

They arrive at the vending machines.

Xander:  Buff, you're lacking evidence. I think maybe we're in Sigmund 
Freud territory.

He puts his coins into the machine.

Willow:  He has a point. Separation anxiety, the mother figure being 
taken away, conflict with the father figure...

Buffy:  He's *not* my father figure.

Xander:  Having issues much?

Buffy:  I am not!

Xander does a typical funny dance, pointing both fingers at Buffy and 
responding in a sing-song voice.

Xander:  You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues...

Willow:  Xander...

Xander:  What? Freud would've said the exact same thing. Except he might 
not have done that little dance.

Buffy:  Okay, I admit it's weird. Seeing my mother frenching a guy is 
definitely a ticket to therapy land, but it's more than that. I'm pretty 
good at sensing what's going on around me, and there is definitely 
something wrong with this... Ted.

Xander spots Ted coming down the stairs behind Buffy.

Xander:  Ted!

Buffy:  Of course, Ted. Who'd you think I was talking about?

Xander:  Hi, Ted! Ted, who's here.

Ted:  Hello, kids!

The girls turn quickly to face him.

Buffy:  (to Ted) What are you doing here?

Ted:  I'm updating the software in the guidance office. Which reminds 
me, (pulls several disks from his pocket and hands them to Willow) your 

Willow:  (eagerly accepting the disks) Oh, what a day! Thank you!

Buffy gives Willow a look.

Ted:  Think nothing of it. Buffy, do you like miniature golf?

Xander:  Who doesn't!

Ted:  Well, your mother and I were thinking maybe this Saturday we could 
drag the three of you out to the course, spend some time swinging the 
iron with the stuffy old people.

Buffy:  Well, uh...

Ted:  I'm making a picnic basket.

Xander:  (eyes wide) With mini pizzas?

Ted:  And cookies!

Xander inhales in wide-eyed, open-mouthed rapture.

Buffy:  You know what, we, we would love to, honestly, but, um, 
unfortunately we have that (looks to Willow for support) thing on 

Willow:  Ohhh, that thing. (they look at Xander) That thing.

Xander:  Hey, we can do that thing anytime. I'm tired of doing that 
thing. (to Ted) We're on!

Ted:  Great!

Willow and Buffy can only smile, Willow widely, Buffy half-heartedly.

Cut to Ms. Calendar's classroom. She's gathering assignments from the 
desks. Giles walks up to the door and steps in.

Giles:  Hello, Jenny.

Jenny:  Rupert. Hi.

Giles:  Some of your, uh, textbooks were delivered to the library. Um, 
do you want me to, uh, hang on to them?

Jenny:  Yeah, that's fine. I'll send the kids by to pick 'em up.

Giles:  Right. Good. (turns around and starts out of the room)

Jenny:  Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me.

Giles:  (comes back in) You should have heard the ones I threw out. 
(smiles briefly) I just, I wanted to, uh... see how you were doing.

Jenny:  I'm doing pretty good, actually. I've stayed out of mortal 
danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it. (Giles smiles at 
that) I'm still having trouble sleeping, though.

Giles:  (steps closer) Oh, of course. Um... you, you, you need time.

Jenny:  Or possibly space. Rupert, I know you're concerned. But having 
you constantly poking around, making little puppy dog eyes at me, 
wondering if I'm okay... (exhales) You make me feel bad that I don't 
feel better. I don't want that responsibility.

Giles:  Sorry. (looks down) I certainly don't mean to make, um, 'dog 
eyes'... at you. I'm just...

Jenny:  Worried. I know.

Giles:  I shouldn't have bothered you.

He turns and walks out of the room with his head hung down. Jenny 
watches him go and exhales. She goes back to collecting the papers.

Cut to Angel's apartment. Buffy is replacing the bandage on his right 
hand while he lies in his comfy chair.

Buffy:  So mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this?' and 'This is 
Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers,' and 'Ted said 
the funniest thing,' and I'm like, 'That's really great, Mom,' and then 
she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't 
wanna talk about Ted all the time.

Angel:  (looks up at her) So, you gonna talk about something else at 
some point?

Buffy:  I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some 
new guy in my life.

She's finished wrapping the bandage and Angel hands her a piece of tape.

Angel:  No, but maybe your mom does.

Buffy takes the tape and puts it on the bandage.

Buffy:  Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.

Angel:  (chuckles) Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

Buffy:  Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?

Angel:  Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that 
would satisfy you?

Buffy:  My dad? (Angel looks at her) Yeah, okay, that's not gonna 
happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and 
I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like 

Angel:  (smiles) Kiss me.

Buffy:  (smiles) Finally, something I wanna do!

She leans over him and kisses him lightly on the lips. She gets in his 
lap and they kiss more passionately.

Cut to Saturday at the mini-golf course. The group walks up to the next 

Xander:  Ah, the dreaded five-par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come, 
so few have conquered.

He puts his ball in place and studies his shot.

Joyce:  That picnic was delicious.

Xander takes his shot. It's weak.

Joyce:  You know how rare it is to find a man that cooks?

Ted:  I know I've been looking a long time for one. So, Buffy, I bet the 
boys are lined up around the block tryin' to get a date with you.

Buffy:  Not really.

Willow:  Oh, they are, but she's only interested in... (gets a nudge 
from Buffy) uh, her studies! 'Book-cracker Buffy', it's kind of her 

Ted:  Well, glad to hear it. I bet that means your grades will be 
picking up soon.

He bends down to position his ball for his shot.

Buffy:  My grades? (paces over to her mom) How does he know about my 

Joyce:  I told him. He wants to know everything about you. He's 
concerned. That's a good thing. (Ted makes his shot) Ooo, nice shot, 

Cut to the next hole with a castle. Buffy is ready to take her shot.

Ted:  Keep your eye on the ball. Watch those elbows!

Buffy swings a bit too hard, and the ball ricochets off of the castle 
and into the rough behind it. 

Ted:  Oh! Bad luck, little lady!

Buffy starts to walk to retrieve her ball for another try.

Joyce:  Oh, we won't count it.

Ted:  We won't?

Buffy stops and turns back to look at them.

Joyce:  Well, it's just miniature golf.

Ted:  It is, but the rules are the rules. And what we teach her is what 
she takes out into the world when we're not there, whether it's at 
school or an unchaperoned party. (to Buffy) I don't mean to overstep my 
bounds, this is between you and your mother, I just think right is 

Joyce:  He has a point.

Buffy:  Fine. I'll just go hit my ball from the rough.

She goes over to her ball behind the castle and picks it up. She steps 
onto the green, and thinking no one sees her drops her ball into the 

Buffy:  (loudly) Hey, how 'bout that! Got a hole in two!

Ted:  Beg to differ.

Buffy turns her head to see him standing next to the castle where he can 
just see.

Buffy:  Okay, so fine my score or whatever.

Ted:  I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is 
right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that?

Buffy:  It's just a game?

Ted:  Right, it's just a game, do your own thing, well, I'm not wired 
that way. And I am here to tell you (Buffy notices how he's tapping his 
ankle with his club pretty hard) it is *not* a game! It *does* count, 
and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!

Buffy:  Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not *in* your house.

Ted:  Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?

Buffy can't believe her ears. She notices the others come around the 
castle, and Ted follows her gaze.

Ted:  Who's up for dessert? I made chocolate-chip cookies! (smiles)

Joyce opens the zip-lock bag of cookies.

Xander:  Yum-my!

Willow:  Cookies!

Buffy stares at everyone and can't believe that Ted just threatened her.

Ted:  Yeah! I-I made, uh, too many, so you guys are gonna have to take 
some home!

Everyone has a cookie and is munching away.

Joyce:  Mm! Buffy, you've got to try one of these! They're really good! 

Ted offers her one with a smile. Buffy just keeps looking at them in 

Willow:  Mm!

Xander:  Mm! These are tasty!

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~

Morning at the Summer's house. Cut to the kitchen. Buffy comes wandering 
in. Joyce gets the orange juice from the refrigerator and brings it to 
the island.

Joyce:  Good morning, sunshine!

Buffy:  Hey.

Joyce:  (sets down the OJ) I've got juice, I've got sticky buns, oh, 
don't they smell good!

Buffy picks up part of a bun.

Joyce:  Ted made them.

Buffy puts it back down.

Joyce:  (smiles) What?

Buffy:  I'd just like to eat something around here that Ted didn't make.

Joyce:  Oh, what kind of an attitude is that?

Buffy:  (exhales) Look, Mom, I know you think he's great and all, but 

Joyce:  (pours some juice) Y'know, he went out of his way to be nice to 
you, and you couldn't say two words to him on Saturday. (pours another 
glass) I do not expect you to love him right away like I do, but I do 
expect you to treat him decently.

Buffy:  You love him?

Joyce:  (puts down the juice carton) I-I don't know. (exhales) That just 
slipped out. (takes the juice back to the fridge) But I guess, I mean, 
it's not exactly like men beat down the door when you're a single...

Buffy:  When you're a single parent.

Joyce:  (exhales) Honey, look. I wouldn't have anything to do with 
anybody if they didn't care about you. But he does! I don't understand 
why you can't see that!

Buffy:  He threatened me.

Joyce:  What? (comes back to the island)

Buffy:  He threatened me. He said that he was gonna slap my face.

Joyce:  (disbelieving) He said no such thing! Honey, Ted told me what 
happened. He caught you cheating, didn't he?

Buffy:  (exhales) Yeah, I kicked my ball in, put me in jail, but he 
totally wigged!

Joyce:  And he didn't say anything about it in front of the others, did 

Buffy:  Uh, no, but I don't think that's the...

Joyce:  (interrupts) Well, I thought that that was pretty decent of him! 
Ted said we are just gonna have to give you time to come around. Oh, 
speaking of which, he's making dinner for us tonight, so I'd like you at 
home, please, (points down for emphasis) promptly at six.

Buffy gives her mother a look and stalks out of the kitchen. Joyce just 
shrugs and lets her go. She eats part of a sticky bun.

Joyce:  Mm, this is sooo delicious!

Cut to the quad at the school. Willow, Buffy and Xander are walking 
across. Xander is munching on a cookie.

Willow:  What do you mean, check him out?

Buffy:  I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his 

Xander:  Can you say 'overreaction'?

Buffy:  Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?

Willow:  Buffy, it just seems like you *want* him to be corrupt, or 

Buffy:  The guy lost his senses over mini-golf.

Xander:  So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying 
offense. (gets a look from Buffy) Don't gimme the look, I'm on your 
side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept.

Buffy and Willow sit on a bench.

Buffy:  And I'm saying Ted ain't one of 'em.

Xander notices Cordelia walk past them behind the bench.

Xander:  Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.

Cordelia:  (stops to look at him) Oh, very funny.

Xander:  Not really.

Cordelia:  What are you saying?

Buffy and Willow look up at Xander.

Xander:  Nice outfit?

Cordelia:  Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut! (walks off)

Xander:  Would you guys excuse me for a sec? (goes after Cordelia)

Willow:  What's up with them?

Cut to Cordelia walking along the colonnade. Xander catches up with her.

Cordelia:  What's wrong with you?

Xander:  I gave you a compliment.

Cordelia:  In front of your friends! They're gonna know!

Xander:  Know what?

Cordelia:  Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!

Xander:  That we kissed?

Cordelia:  Uhhh!

Xander:  Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your 
friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make 

Cordelia:  God! Is that all you ever think about? (considers the offer) 

They go off to make out. Cut to Buffy and Willow still on the bench.

Buffy:  Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts 
like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since 
he's around.

Willow:  Different, like happy?

Buffy:  Like Stepford. Will you help me?

Willow:  You know I will. What do you want me to look for?

Buffy:  Let's start small. Can you find out where he works?

Willow nods.

Cut to Ted's office. Buffy spots Ted at his desk and moves into the 
snack area to observe him. Neal has the desk next to Ted's. They're both 
talking with customers over their headsets.

Neal:  Yeah, i-i-it's a terrific product. No PC should be without it.

Ted:  No, Mrs. Lawnsdale, it is not an inexpensive piece of software. As 
a matter of fact it's a very expensive one. Which removes the risk of 
crashing your whole system. Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I 
can always recommend... Trust me, you won't be sorry. Thank *you* very 

Ted takes off his headset and puts it down. Buffy sees him get up and 
quickly crouches down and hides under the snack table. Ted walks over to 
the sales board and makes another hack mark by his name.

Ted:  Goin' to lunch!

He walks out the door. Buffy stands back up and watches him leave. She 
glances over at his desk and then back at the sales board again. Neal 
walks up to get a cup of coffee and notices her standing there.

Neal:  You're new, aren't ya? (grabs the coffee pot)

Buffy:  Oh...

Neal:  I'm Neal. (pours a cup)

Buffy:  I'm B... Linda. Belinda. I'm just temping for the day. (looks at 
the board) Wow, that guy's a salesman. I guess he's the one to beat 
around here.

Neal:  Nobody beats 'The Machine'. The guy's a genius. Knows everything 
about computers, never loses a client... If I sound bitter, I am. (takes 
a sip of his coffee)

Buffy:  Well, nobody likes an overachiever. (Neal chuckles) Uh, he's 
probably got ex-wives and, and families to support.

Neal:  He's just got a girlfriend. I'm amazed he let her clutter his 

He looks at Ted's desk and Buffy follows his gaze. There's a single 
picture frame on it beside the computer and nothing else.

Neal:  Thank God he's taking off for the wedding.

Buffy:  (surprised) The wedding?

Neal:  Yeah, he's got it set for two months from now. Believe me, I am 
counting the days. (spots his boss) Uh-oh, the ueber-boss. Back to the 
salt mines. (walks off)

Buffy casually makes her way to Ted's desk, looking around to see if 
anyone notices her. She looks at the picture, and it strikes her as 
familiar. She takes it, opens up the back and pulls it out. She notices 
it's folded, and when she unfolds it she sees it's the picture of her 
and her mother from their refrigerator at home with her own face folded 

Cut to dinner at home. Buffy, Joyce and Ted are seated at the dining 
room table. Ted is saying grace.

Ted:  We thank you for what we are about to receive, and we ask that you 
bless this house, and help the people in it to be more productive, more 
considerate and more honest. Amen.

Joyce:  Amen.

Ted and Joyce lay their napkins in their laps. Joyce takes up her fork 
and starts in.

Ted:  Well, another great day at work! How was school today, Buffy? Did 
you learn anything?

Buffy:  Quite a bit.

Ted:  Good for you! Well, Joycie, what do you think?

Joyce:  I think every home should have one of you. It's fantastic! 
(smiles) (to Buffy) Don't you think?

Ted smiles over at Buffy.

Buffy:  Looks good.

Ted:  Well, you know, little lady, it's not just for looks, it's for 
building strong bodies.

Buffy just sits there staring at Ted.

Joyce:  (looks at Buffy) Honey?

Buffy:  Are you two engaged?

Ted raises his head in realization.

Joyce:  Goodness, no! Whatever gave you that idea?

Ted:  Now, Joycie, let me handle this. Buffy, your mother and I are 
taking it one step at a time. And if things go the way I hope, maybe 
someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you feel 
about that? (silence from Buffy) It's okay to have feelings, Buffy, and 
it's okay to express them.

Buffy:  I'd feel like killing myself.

Joyce:  Buffy!

Ted:  No, no, I, I told her to be honest. (to Buffy) Sweetheart, you 
should try and get used to me, 'cause you know what? I'm not going 

Buffy:  (to Joyce) May I be excused?

Joyce:  You can go to your room, young lady, that's where you can go.

Buffy gets up and leaves the table without another word.

Joyce:  Ted, I (exhales) I am so embarrassed! I-I-I don't know what's 
wrong with her!

Ted:  Joycie, (takes her hand) you don't get to be salesman of the year 
by giving up after a couple of rejections. She'll come 'round.

He smiles at her and takes his glass for a sip.

Cut to the park. Buffy is sitting on a swing, tapping a stake in her 
hand, hoping some vampires will show up.

Buffy:  Vampires... Here, vampires...

She exhales, frustrated that she can't work out her anger, and decides 
to head home. Cut inside her room. She climbs up to her window and 
crawls in. Inside she finds Ted waiting in a chair for her to come home.

Buffy:  What are you doing in here?

Ted:  Your mother told you to go to your room, Buffy. You and I both 
know she didn't mean climb out a window and go gallivanting about town.

Buffy:  First of all, this is *my* room, second... (sees her Slayer 
stuff lying on her desk) You've been going through my things?

Ted:  Yes, I have.

Buffy:  That's my personal property! How *dare* you?!

Ted:  I don't see how it's any different from you snooping around my 
office, do you? (raises her diary and reads) What exactly is a Vampire 

Buffy:  It's none of your business.

Ted:  Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing *but* my 
business from now on.

Buffy:  I think you better get out of here. Now!

Ted:  Or what? (stands up and steps toward her) You'll slay me? I'm 
real. I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary. 
Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So, from 
now on, you'll do what I say, when I say, or I show this (holds up her 
diary) to your mother, and you'll spend your best dating years behind 
the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be 
happy. You're not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight!

He starts to leave the room, and opens the door to go out. Buffy follows 
him and grabs hold of his hand that has her diary.

Buffy:  That's mine, and you are *not* leaving this room with it!

Ted:  Take your hand off me.

Buffy:  No.

Ted slaps her hard, almost punching her, and makes her hit the wall.

Buffy:  Ohhh! (straightens back up to face him) I was *so* hoping you'd 
do that.

She punches him squarely in the jaw, and he staggers back into the open 
door. He pushes himself upright and backhands her in the face, making 
her fall against the side of her bed and onto the floor. He picks her up 
by the shirt collar, but she kicks him in the shin. Joyce comes to the 
door to see what all the noise is about.

Joyce:  Buffy! Stop that!

Buffy elbows him in the face.

Joyce:  Stop it!

Buffy kicks him in the chest, making him stagger backward out into the 
hall, where Joyce has to quickly move out of the way. Buffy follows him 
into the hall and punches him in the face again. Ted trips down to the 
end of the hall before regaining his balance, and Buffy is there to kick 
him again. He spins around and falls down the stairs, tumbling to the 
bottom. When he hits the floor his neck sounds like it has broken. Joyce 
comes running down the stairs after him.

Joyce:  Ted...

She kneels next to him and tries to shake him awake.

Joyce:  Ted! Ted!

Buffy slowly descends the stairs. Joyce takes Ted's arm to feel for a 
pulse. When she doesn't find one she drops his arm and looks up at 

Joyce:  You killed him!

Buffy stares down at Ted's unmoving body, not believing what just 

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~

The foyer at the Summers house. Ted's body is zipped up into a body bag. 
The coroners wheel him out of the house on a gurney. Outside Buffy is 
sitting on the porch steps by the pillar. Joyce watches as the coroners 
wheel Ted's body away. She is approached by Detective Stein.

Det. Stein:  Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein. I'm sorry, but I need to ask 
you a few questions. Your relationship with the deceased?

Joyce:  We were, uh, seeing each other.

Det. Stein:  Can you tell me what happened?

Joyce:  He fell. Down the stairs, he fell.

Det. Stein:  I see. Uh, did he slip? Do you know what made him fall?

Buffy:  I hit him.

Detective Stein turns to look at her sitting on the steps.

Buffy:  I hit him.

Cut to the police station. Joyce is sitting by Detective Stein's desk, 
waiting to find out what's going to happen. The camera pans across the 
room and over to her, looking apprehensive. Cut to the interrogation 
room. Buffy is sitting at the table, looking down while being 

Buffy:  He was in my room. And we got into an argument.

Det. Stein:  About what?

Buffy:  He, um...

Det. Stein:  Was this the first time that you two had had an argument?

Buffy:  (looks up) No. He threatened me. He, he said that he would slap 

Det. Stein:  That was tonight.

Buffy:  No. But he had my diary, and I-I tried to take it back, a-and 
that's when he hit me.

Det. Stein:  Where?

Buffy raises her hand to indicate her right cheek. Detective Stein leans 
over to have a look.

Det. Stein:  Well, it doesn't look like he hit you very hard.

Buffy:  I don't bruise easily.

Det. Stein:  So you've been hit before?

Buffy:  Yes.

Det. Stein:  But Ted never hit you.

Buffy:  I told you...

Det. Stein:  Before tonight, Ted never hit you before tonight?

Buffy:  What do you want? I-I told you what happened, I didn't mean to!

Det. Stein:  I believe you. Things get outta hand. He's a big guy.

He writes some notes on his pad. Buffy can only watch.

Joyce:  Are you charging her with something?

Cut to Joyce still sitting by Detective Stein's desk.

Det. Stein:  We're not bringing anything up against your daughter right 
now. She says Mr. Buchanan struck her, and if that's the case... 
(shrugs) Anyway, we've gotta examine it further. Right now I think you 
should just take her home, and the two of you should try and get some 

Cut to the street. They're driving home in Joyce's Jeep. Cut inside the 
car. Buffy is looking down sadly. She glances over to her mother 
briefly, then out the side window.

Cut to school the next day. Buffy comes into the hall from outside, and 
everyone seems to be looking at her as she slowly makes her way to the 
lounge. Cut to the lounge. Xander and Willow catch up with her.

Xander:  Buffy!

They climb the steps up to the couches.

Xander:  Are you okay?

Willow:  How come you're here?

Buffy:  I couldn't stay at home. (she and Willow sit) Mom won't even 
look at me.

Xander sits on the table facing them.

Willow:  What happened? Unless you don't want to talk about it.

Buffy:  We had a fight and I lost my temper. I really let him have it.

Willow:  The paper said he fell.

Buffy:  He fell. Hard.

Xander:  What was he?

Buffy:  What?

Xander:   What was he? A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god 
with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature-
feature here, right?

Buffy looks at him a moment and then lowers her eyes.

Xander:  Oh man!

Willow:  But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.

Buffy:  Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.

Xander:  Court? Wa-wait. Are they charging you with something?

Buffy:  (shakes her head) I-I don't know. Not yet.

Willow looks at her sympathetically.

Buffy:  (eyes down) He was a person, and I killed him.

Willow:  Don't say that!

Buffy:  (looks up at Willow) Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the 

Xander:  It was an accident.

Buffy:  I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that.

Xander:  Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know 
you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you 
know, unless...

Buffy:  Unless they were dating my mother?

Xander has no response to that.

Buffy:  I gotta go.

She gets up and leaves at a quick pace. Xander and Willow watch her go 
and look at each other for what to do.

Cut to the hall. Buffy comes striding around the corner. Ahead of her 
Giles comes out of a classroom and nods to a man standing outside the 
door, then sees her coming.

Giles:  Buffy?

Buffy stops in her tracks, but stays to face him.

Giles:  Are you alright?

Buffy just looks up at him.

Giles:  Oh, uh, stupid question, I'm sorry. Look, i-i-if there's 
anything you need, of course, just, just ask.

Buffy:  (notices the man guarding the door) What's going on? (walks 
toward the classroom)

Giles:  Oh, you needn't worry about that. They're just asking a few 
questions, your, your, your behavior and... um... uh...

Buffy looks into the room through the door window and sees Detective 
Stein talking with two of her teachers.

Giles:  Of course, I told them you, uh... I...

Buffy quickly walks off.

Cut to the library. Willow and Cordelia are at the table. Willow is 
surfing for information. Giles is behind them in the cage getting 
together some weapons. Xander is pacing.

Xander:  Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I 
know it. If I could just get my hands on him...

Willow gives him a look.

Xander:  Earlier this week.

Cordelia:  I thought you liked him.

Xander:  (steps over to her) I sometimes like things that are not good 
for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an 
innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.

Giles comes out of the cage with his bag in one hand and the crossbow in 
the other.

Willow:  We've gotta prove that somehow. Xander, do you have a pen?

Giles sets the bag on the table and puts the crossbow in. Xander opens 
his satchel to get a pen.

Xander:  If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose 
it. He's gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a 
criminal record? (finds a zip-lock bag) Ooo! Cookies!

Giles goes back into the cage for more weapons.

Cordelia:  I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...

Xander:  What, a license to kill? (takes a bite of a cookie)

Cordelia:  Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't 
there be different rules for her?

Willow:  Sure, in a fascist society.

Cordelia:  Right! Why can't we have one of those?

Willow:  Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.

Giles:  (comes back) Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it 
can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. (adds an ax and 
other stuff to the bag) She's taken a human life. The guilt, it-it's, 
it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.

Cordelia:  I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon 
that killed that guy that time?

Giles:  Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible. (heads back to 
the cage)

Xander:  So, Giles, you takin' over tonight? (takes another bite of his 

Giles:  Um, well, Buffy's not in any shape to patrol. (comes back to the 
table) The least I can do is pick up the slack. Someone has to. (adds 
several crosses to the bag)

Willow:  Giles, you shouldn't go out there without the Slayer.

Giles:  Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, there *is* no Slayer.

Xander takes another bite of his cookie.

Cordelia:  If you need help...

Giles:  No, uh, Buffy needs your help more than I. You carry on 
investigating, see if you can find out as much about this Buchanan chap 
as possible. (takes up the bag to go)

Willow:  Be careful.

Giles:  I-I will. (leaves)

Willow:  Ted's got no criminal record! Damn! This guy's like citizen of 
the year!

Xander:  Don't sweat it. It'll be fine.

Willow:  Don't sweat it?

Xander:  Yeah, cute buddy! (goes over to her) We'll work it out! 
(ruffles her hair) No worries!

Cordelia:  What happened to 'this is killing me'?

Xander:  (shakes his cookie at Cordelia) Worrying isn't gonna solve any 

The cookie catches Willow's eye and she grabs it from Xander, breaking 
off most of it. She turns it in her hand as she looks at it.

Cut to Buffy's house. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce is packing away a bunch 
of baking pans and bowls. Buffy comes in and stands at the door, 
fidgeting with her hands.

Buffy:  Can I help?

Joyce:  It's done. I've been meaning to clean out this junk for months. 
Do you, uh, have homework?

Buffy:  I didn't mean to hurt him.

Joyce:  I don't wanna talk about this.

Buffy:  Mom, please, you have to know...

Joyce:  I can't, not yet. Please, Buffy, just go to your room.

Buffy looks like she's about to burst into tears as she turns to go to 
her room. Joyce waits for a moment, almost crying herself, too, then 
picks up the box and takes it into the basement.

Cut to the science lab at school. Several cookies are sitting on a 
scale. Willow is staring into a microscope.

Willow:  Okay!

Xander:  What do we know?

Willow:  Well, apparently the secret ingredient (looks up from the 
scope) is not love.

Xander:  What is it then?

Willow:  I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a 
tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few 
components with Ecstasy.

Xander:  This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind 
of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I 
adore you!

She gives him a wide smile.

Xander:  Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!

Cordelia:  (comes into the lab) Well, your search finally hit pay dirt. 
You got some personal records, marriage certificates and an address. 
(puts the printouts on the table)

Xander:  Well, let's check it out, get our Slayer back on her feet 
before somebody else gets hurt.

They all head out of the lab. Willow grabs the printouts on the way.

Cut to the park. Giles is walking slowly past some bushes, weapons bag 
in hand, when he's startled and spins around holding up a cross.

Giles:  Ah!

Jenny:  Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time.

Giles:  Jenny! What are you doing here?

Jenny:  I saw your car back there. I wanted to apologize.

Giles:  Well, now is... not the best time to go ta...

Jenny:  No, no, please, please, lemme just, lemme get this out. 
(exhales) I was sooo... harsh the other day. I am so sorry. I mean, I 
know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before, and...

Giles:  (looks past her) Right in harm's view now.

A vampire comes out of the bushes behind Jenny and growls at them.

Cut to Buffy's room. She's sitting at her desk facing into the room. She 
hears a noise.

Buffy:  Mom? (silence) (exhales) The hell with this.

She gets up and strides over to her window. She tries to lift the sash, 
but it's stuck in place. She looks as it and sees the problem.

Buffy:  She nailed it shut. Well, it's official, this day can't get any 

She senses something behind her and spins around to see Ted standing 

Ted:  Beg to differ.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy's room. She has her back to the window as Ted confronts her.

Buffy:  You died.

Ted:  That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to 
say about that? Are we sorry?

Buffy:  What are you?

Ted:  I'm a salesman! That's what you should've remembered. No matter 
how you put him down...

He grabs her by the strap of her coveralls and yanks her across the 
room. She falls into her desk chair.

Ted:  ...a good salesman always bounces back!

Cut to the park. The vampire roars and attacks. Jenny screams in fright 
and jumps aside, so the vampire crashes into Giles, grabbing him and 
pulling him to the ground with him. Giles holds his cross in the 
vampire's face.

Giles:  (to Jenny) MY BAG!

Jenny jumps over to the dropped bag and pulls out the crossbow. Giles 
struggles with the vampire and punches him in the face, but the vampire 
isn't fazed. Giles punches him again harder, and this time the vampire 
pulls away far enough for Giles to get his foot underneath him to push 
him off. The vampire lands on his back while Giles scrambles to his 
feet. The vampire jumps up and starts to wrestle with Giles. Jenny in 
the mean time has loaded a bolt into the crossbow and anxiously looks 
for an opening. They turn back and forth, not giving Jenny a clear shot.

Cut to Buffy's room. She gets to her feet as Ted comes for her. She 
immediately kicks him in the gut and follows up with a left to the jaw. 
Ted flinches, but doesn't back off. Buffy punches him twice in the 
stomach and again in the face, but he isn't fazed, and he grabs her by 
the throat and backs her into and over her desk, pinning her against the 

Ted:  You see I had to shut down for a while to get you off my back. You 
should've seen the intern's face when I got up off the table, it was a 
hoot! Fun's over, though.

He wraps his other hand around her throat and begins to squeeze.

Cut to the park. Giles and the vampire continue to wrestle, constantly 
turning so that Jenny still doesn't have a clear shot. At one point the 
turning stops, and Jenny decides it's time for her to shoot.

Jenny:  Say good night, big guy!

The vampire turns Giles around just as Jenny lets the bolt fly, and it 
hits Giles in the lower left of his back.

Giles:  AHHH!

Jenny lowers the crossbow and looks at them, shocked by what happened.

Jenny:  OH, GOD!

The vampire lets go of Giles and steps back. Giles grabs the shaft of 
the bolt and bends over in pain.

Jenny:  Oh, no!

She bends down to the bag and searches frantically for another bolt.

Vampire:  (laughs) Nice shot, lady!

Giles rends the bolt from his back and jams it into the vampire's chest. 
Jenny has found another bolt and stands back up to see Giles let go of 
the bolt. The vampire falls to the ground and explodes into ashes. Jenny 
stares in shock and relief at what she's just seen.

Cut to Buffy's room. Ted tightens his grip on Buffy's throat. She looks 
over at her nightstand for anything to use as a weapon and reaches for 
her nail file that's lying there. She grabs it and stabs Ted in the left 
forearm with it. Ted yanks his arm away from her, slicing it open on the 
file as he jerks back. Buffy collapses to the floor.

Ted:  That wasn't playing fair, missy!

He grabs his left wrist with his right hand and looks down at the wound. 
There are torn wires and sparks and smoke coming from it.

Ted:  You're gonna find...

His head jerks to the right when some short circuits result from the 

Ted:  Hell of a day! Makes you feel like you're eighteen again! (his 
head jerks back) ...that I don't like being disobeyed!

Cut downstairs. Joyce comes out of the basement with another empty box 
and closes the door behind her. Cut to Buffy's room. Ted hears the sound 
of the door closing downstairs. He kicks Buffy in the jaw, and knocks 
her out. He goes to her door, opens it and looks out into the hall. He 
gives Buffy another look as he pulls his sleeve down over the cut in his 
arm. His head jerks again from another short.

Ted:  Don't worry about me and your mother. We're gonna be very happy!

He leaves the room and closes and locks the door behind him.

Cut to Ted's small workshop. Xander looks in through the multi-paned 
window and sees the place is dark and empty. He breaks one of the panes 
with a crowbar and uses it to knock out the broken glass.

Willow:  Careful!

Xander reaches in through the window and opens the door from inside. He 
looks in as Willow comes to stand in the doorway also, and they scan 
around the place with their flashlights. Slowly they walk in with 
Cordelia right behind them.

Xander:  Let's look around.

Willow looks over the paperwork they have on him.

Cordelia:  I'll take the back.

Xander:  Check for cookies.

Willow gives Xander a look.

Xander:  For evidence!

Willow:  So far I've counted four marriage certificates.

Xander:  (looks at some shelves) Any divorce papers?

Willow:  Not a one.

Xander:  So either our boy was a Mormon, or...

Willow:  (notices) Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted musta married young! Like pre-
school young.

Cordelia:  (comes from the back) Nothing interesting back here. Doesn't 
look like anybody's worked here, let alone lived here.

Xander:  Something's missing here. This doesn't seem like Ted at all.

Cordelia:  (looks down) Yeah, and this rug? It doesn't go with the rest 
of the decor.

Xander looks down at the new-looking Oriental rug. He and Willow 
exchange a look. Xander steps back off of the rug and lifts it back. 
Underneath is a trap door.

Cut to the Summers kitchen. Joyce starts to fill the box with more 
cooking pans and dishes. She hears someone coming and assumes it's 

Joyce:  Oh. Buffy, I'm sorry... (exhales) I know you didn't mean to...

She looks over expecting to see Buffy and steps back and inhales in 
fright when she sees Ted standing in the door.

Ted:  Joyce?

Joyce:  (whispers) Ted! Is it really you? But you were...

Ted:  (steps into the kitchen) I'm okay! I'm okay.

Joyce:  I-I don't understand this! You were dead!

Ted:  They said I must've been dead for six minutes. They said any 
longer and it would've caused brain damage.

Joyce:  Oh, why didn't they tell us?

Ted:  Nobody knew! They took me to the morgue. I was unconscious for 
almost a day. An intern found me. It's a miracle, Joyce. A miracle.

Joyce:  Oh, Ted!

She wraps her arms around him and hugs him close. He hugs her back.

Ted:  I know.

Joyce:  (lets go) Oh, my God, Buffy! Oh, Ted, I swear... she never meant 
to hurt you. You have to believe me.

Ted:  You don't have to worry about Buffy. (Joyce leans on him) You 
don't have to worry about anything. Daddy's here.

Cut to Ted's workshop. Xander pushes down the ladder and it unfolds into 
the basement below. He climbs down the steps and reaches up his hand to 
steady Cordelia as she follows. Willow comes down behind them. Xander 
finds a switch on the wall and flips it. The lights come on, and an old 
record player starts to play lounge music. They all look around. The 
place is furnished as an apartment.

Cordelia:  Feels like home. If it's the fifties and you're a psycho.

They continue looking around. Cordelia checks out some magazines on the 
coffee table. Willow finds a window and pulls aside the curtains. 
There's just a wall on the other side of the glass. Xander finds a 
closet door.

Xander:  Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?

He opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and can't believe 
his eyes. He quickly slams the door shut.

Xander:  Let's go.

Cordelia:  But we need evidence!

Xander:  We got it.

Willow:  What's in there?

Xander:  His first four wives.

Willow and Cordelia start back up the stairs. Xander turns off the light 
switch and follows them up.

Cut to Ted and Joyce in the kitchen.

Ted:  You know what brought me back, Joyce? It was you. I couldn't go 
into that light. I had to come back for you. I'm gonna make you so 

Joyce:  (smiles) You should sit down.

Ted:  I feel fine! Never better! (smiles)

Joyce:  (exhales) Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first. Before she 
sees you, 'cause I'm sure she's...

Ted:  (angry) Do we have to worry about Buffy right now? How about 
worrying about Teddy? He's the one who died!

Joyce:  (taken aback) I-I-I'm, I'm sorry, I just... I... (exhales) I-I 
don't know what to do!

Ted:  Don't I always tell you what to do? I'm going to make things 
right. Then you and I... (shorts and jerks his head right) Want a little 
gravy with that? (jerks his head back) ...can go away where no one will 
bother us again.

Joyce:  (looking worried) Ted, I, I think you might wanna rest for 

Ted:  (angry) I think you might wanna stop telling me what to do! I 
don't take orders from women! I'm not wired that way!

His circuitry can be heard shorting out.

Cut to the park. Jenny kneels next to Giles who is sitting on the ground 
pressing a handkerchief to his wound.

Jenny:  Oh, God, I am so sorry!

Giles:  I think I'm alright.

Jenny:  No, you're just in shock.

Giles:  No, no, really, I, uh, I don't think it went in too deep. The... 
advantages of layers of tweed. Better than kevlar.

He lifts the handkerchief off of his wound and Jenny sees the blood.

Jenny:  (squeamish) Oh, okay, alright, we have to get you to the 

Giles:  Yes, yes.

Jenny:  C'mon.

She takes his arm and pulls him up.

Giles:  Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh!

Jenny:  Sorry! Sorry!

Giles:  Let's move slowly, shall we?

Jenny:  Sorry! Okay...

She goes around to his other side and takes his arm to help support him.

Jenny:  Okay...

They start to limp away, and Jenny begins to laugh.

Giles:  What? Wha-what is it?

Jenny:  Some night, huh? (Giles smirks) Yeah, you really know how to woo 
a girl back, don't cha?

Giles:  (laughs) Ow! Ow!

Jenny:  Hospital.

Giles:  Yes.

Cut to Buffy's room. She slowly regains consciousness. She coughs as she 
tries to get up. Cut downstairs. Ted follows Joyce down the hall.

Joyce:  I-I think I could use a drink. (looks at Ted) Um, to-to-to 
celebrate! (stops walking)

Ted:  We should probably be hitting the road.

Joyce:  Hitting the road?

Ted:  You're going to love the house. It's furnished just the way you 
like it. I spent a lot of... (shorts and jerks right) ...telling me what 
to do! (jerks back) ...time decorating.

Joyce:  (making an excuse to go) Well, then I'd, I'd probably better go 

Ted:  (takes her arm) I already have your clothes. They're your size, 
they're always your size. You left me once, but I keep bringing you 
back. Husband and wife is forever. (shorts) Forever.

Cut to the hall upstairs. Buffy kicks out her doorknob, taking a big 
chunk of the door with it. Cut downstairs. They hear the noise of the 
door breaking.

Ted:  (holding her arm) Let's go.

Joyce:  Ted, let go, please. (he doesn't) Get off me! (jerks her arm 

He shoves her into the wall, knocking her out. She slides down to the 

Ted:  Fine then. I'll have to carry you.

He steps over to her and bends down to lift her up when he hears a 
creaking in the next room. He slowly walks into the foyer, around the 
stairs and down the hall into the kitchen.

Ted:  Buffy, come out! I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my 

Buffy:  Uncle Teddy?

He turns to face her, and she swings up into his face with the cast-iron 
skillet. Ted flies back and hits the floor hard.

Buffy:  This house is mine!

Ted rolls around to face her, and some of the skin has been torn from 
his lips and left cheek, revealing the metal underneath. Circuits are 
shorting and sparking. Buffy stares at him in shock. Ted stands back up.

Ted:  Buffy? How about a nice game of Parcheesi?

Buffy raises the pan and slams it down onto his head. Ted falls backward 
and convulses on the floor as his circuits begin to overload. He finally 
crashes, and his eyelids jerk open in a dead stare. Buffy stares at her 
handiwork in satisfaction.

Cut to the next day. The camera pans down from the tree in front of 
Buffy's house and over to the porch. Joyce and Buffy are sitting on the 
bench munching on cut vegetables.

Joyce:  Do you wanna rent a movie tonight?

Buffy:  Sounds like fun.

Joyce:  Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.

Buffy:  I guess we're 'Thelma and Louise'ing it again.

Joyce:  Mm-hm. Good call. (munches) I still think he's gonna jump out at 
me. Especially after what the police found in his house. It's just too 

Buffy:  I wouldn't worry. He's not coming back.

Joyce:  I wish I could be so sure.

Buffy:  Trust me. He's on the scrap heap. (gets a look) Of life.

Cut to Sunnydale High. Xander, Buffy, Willow and Cordelia come down the 
stairs and start down the hall.

Xander:  So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. 
I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his 
bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over 
and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.

Willow:  The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius. There were 
design features in that robot that pre-date...

Buffy:  (interrupts) Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.

Willow:  Not any big ones.

Buffy:  Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow:  I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia:  Like how to build your own serial killer?

Willow frowns.

Xander:  Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Cordelia:  Can we just drop the subject?

Buffy:  Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right 
where we left off.

She and Willow look into the library through the round door windows and 
immediately turn around and leave.

Buffy:  Okay! That's it! I give up! Do I have to sound an air horn every 
time I walk into a room?

Xander and Cordelia look in, too, smile at each other and walk away.

Buffy:  I mean, what is it with grownups these days?

The camera closes in on a window and shows Giles and Jenny embracing and 

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