August 21, 2001 (Blue)
Written by: Douglas Petrie & Jane Espenson
INT. N.D. SPACE - DAY
BUFFY moves forward alone in a dark and creepy space -- we can't tell where she is. Shmucky the bait. She cautiously approaches some unseen menace. We hear ominous GROANING and DRIPPING SOUNDS.
Buffy slows, stops. Eyes her unseen opponent.
So, we meet at last, Mister Drippy.
REVEALS that we are in Buffy's BASEMENT. A leaking, groaning WATER PIPE drips in the foreground. Buffy holds up a WRENCH.
DAWN comes down the stairs, sits, watches. Buffy tightens the pipe with a few Slayer-strong twists.-
Want me to call a plumber?
(holds up phone)
Got the number.
Dawn - I'm on it, okay?
Buffy twists the pipe shut with one final TWIST and the leaking STOPS.
Beat. Then EVERY OTHER PIPE BEHIND HER BURSTS OPEN, spewing water in a dozen different directions at once.
Including Dawn's direction. Dawn, getting soaked, SHRIEKS and RUNS up the stairs.
Buffy just stands there, not looking back at the spewing waters, closes her eyes and SIGHS:
There. All better.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN DAY
WILLOW and TARA sit at the kitchen table as Buffy stands by the sink. Dawn (in dry clothes) is looking down the cellar door into the basement.
Man, how much water can they fit in
one set of pipes?
If I understand it right? The entire
city water supply.
It's like clown cars in the circus.
Told you we should have called a
You were right. The plumber will
make everything good.
Buffy turns on the kitchen sink water faucet. Stares at the stream of water pouring out of it.
Dawnie. You're not eating breakfast?
Dawn shrugs, "nah."
(a little spaced)
But breakfast is the most important
meal of the day. It's unbelievably
important. Dawn, you should eat
breakfast three times a day.
Buffy's become transfixed by the faucet's water stream. The others watch her. Willow shuts the water off. Breaking the spell. Dawn tries for normal:
I'll, um, grab something before school.
The cellar door opens and XANDER emerges with his friend TITO, the plumber.
And a big Sunnydale round of
applause for Tito the amazing.
So how's it looking down there?
Like we should start gathering up two
of every animal.
Basically, your pipes are shot. I mean,
the whole system's gonna have to be
replaced. You need the full copper
re-pipe down there.
Full copper re-pipe? That sounds
If you have any questions, our
number's on the invoice.
He hands Buffy the bill. Leaves. Dawn peers over Buffy's shoulder at the bill.
That's a weird phone number. Wait -
is that the bill?
Hey, Tito cut you a good deal
down there. Those are his bargain
prices. I did a little haggling for you.
Thank you. So? We'll pay him,
what's the big deal.
The others exchange looks.
Uh, Buffy, I know you're still
getting back on your feet after ...
Lying flat on my back?
Buffy's aplomb gives everyone a second's pause, then:
Yeah. But there's Some money stuff
we have to talk to you about.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Buffy sits at the coffee table. Going through a HUGE PILE OF BILLS, flipping them onto the table when she's done glancing at them, one after another. She LAUGHS.
So, okay, you're telling me I'm broke?
The others, including ANYA, watch Buffy, a little concerned.
Not yet, but ...
Money's definitely becoming an issue.
As in, your being almost out of it.
But, I haven't spent any money. I
was all dead and frugal.
I know, this comes as a bit of a
shock after ... a bit of a shock,
but it caught us by surprise, too.
Your Mom prepared everything really
well. She had insurance.
Which should have left you covered,
but - hospital bills.
They pretty much sucked up all the money.
Which you're still hemorrhaging,
by the way.
How'd I do that?
Not you. The house. See, this house,
just sitting here, doing nothing, in itself
So, what do we do?
Easy. We burn the house to
the ground, collect the insurance.
Plus, fire? Pretty.
No one laughs. Dawn withdraws just a bit. Buffy sees it.
I'm kidding. Guys. It's bills. It's
money. It's scraps of paper sent
by bureaucrats we've never even
met, okay? Not the end of the world.
which is too bad, cause that, I'm
really good at.
I'll take care of this. I promise.
I just don't know how yet.
I know how.
All eyes turn to Anya.
If you want to pay every bill here,
every bill that's coming, and have
enough left over to start a nice
college fund for Dawn?
(pause for effect)
Slaying vampires! You provide a
valuable service to the whole
community. I say, cash in.
Anya rides out an awkward beat as everyone reacts.
Well, that's an idea... you would
have. Any other suggestions?
It's not so crazy.
Yes it is! You can't charge innocent
people for saving their lives.
Spider Man does.
He does not!
Does n ...
Action is his reward.
Why are you never on my side?
She gets up and leaves.
What are you talking about? Not on
your side? Anya! I am your side!
He follows her out. Buffy just watches them go. Willow turns to her.
You're throwing away a gold mine.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Anya, her pride wounded, strides along in angry silence. Xander hurries beside her, trying to peer into her face, looking for a break in the storm clouds.
Anya, come on! Wait up. What's
wrong with you?
Why don't you ask your best friend
Spider Man? You know, if you're
not going to support me --
I'm supportive! I'm totally supportive!
I'm a flying buttress of support!
No you're not.
This is because I haven't told-them
about our engagement yet. Isn't it?
No. Maybe. Yes! It's painful and confusing.
First you buy me this beautiful ring and then
I can't even wear it in public.
She digs into her pocket, pulls out her RING.
You know how depressing that is?
Anya, I promise, your waiting days
are almost over. I know it's frustrating,
but the way I understand this marriage
thing? It's kind of a forever deal.
Not if you never get started. Don't
you want to get married?
So why won't you tell them?
Because. I'm still getting used to the
miracle of a steady paycheck. Getting
out of my parents' house. This? The
husband thing? It's a big step. or, maybe
a lot of little ones. And I love you so
much, I want to get each one just right.
This stops Anya cold. She eyes him suspiciously, wanting to believe ...
Xander nods. Anya, feeling better, lets him put his arms around her. They kiss. It grows in passion and intimacy until Anya suddenly PULLS BACK.
Hey! You tricked me! Just now,
with your fancy talk and lips! You
keep doing this, I keep forgetting,
and you keep stalling!
When are you going to grow up, Xander?
She storms off, leaving Xander alone and speechless.
There's a first time for everything,
is my philosophy.
INT. SUNNYDALE SECURITIES BANK - DAY
Buffy, dressed all grown-up in a blazer, blouse, and prim narrow skirt, hair up in a conservative bun, sits waiting at a loan officer's desk. She practices her "upbeat" approach. We cut these moments together, "Erin Brokovich" style.
This is my first big loan.
Collateral? No problem.
Love the tie.
I'm a problem solver.
Let's.crunch those numbers!
As she scootches the skirt out from under her, MR. SAVITSKY sits across from Buffy, startling her. The placard on the man's desk reads "Mr. Savitsky, Loan officer."
Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Carl
Savitsky. Loan Officer.
Buffy Summers. Loan Applier-for.
She smiles. He nods. Awkward beat. Buffy lays a thick file of papers on his desk.
I didn't know what you'd need to
see exactly, so I brought in everything.
I'm very responsible that way.
Mr. Savitsky nods, smiles comfortingly.
Okay. I don't think I'll need
this ... or these... old report
cards, definitely not...
He hands her back most of the papers. Examines others.
Um, so... about my getting a loan... ?
Yes. Well, what we've got here is,
financially, a bit of a tangle.
I know. And I figured you could
just cut through that tangle with scissors.
Where the loan is the scissors.
She looks at him hopefully, smiles. But he's all business.
Ms. Summers, the only collateral you have
is your house, which was never fully
leveraged, and has been losing equity
over the last several years. For some
reason, Sunnydale property values
have never been competitive, and
re-financing's out of the question...
As he goes on, we hold on Buffy's face, taking in the bad news as it just keeps coming. All she can do is try to hide her growing horror.
Are you saying you won't give me a loan?
Well the problem is, you have no
income. No job...
They just stare at one another. Buffy sits, silently crushed. And all of a sudden a SECURITY GUARD'S BODY comes crashing through a teller's window, sending GLASS SPRAYING as he lands with a painful THUD on Mr. Savitsky's desk, rolls off and falls to the floor.
Buffy leaps to her feet, whirls to see:
A GIANT M'FASHNIK DEMON stands in the center of the bank, ROARING.
No job. I wish.
INT. SUNNYDALE SECURITIES BANK - DAY
Where we left off. Chaos. BANK CUSTOMERS, seeing the demon, run from him in any direction available.
The demon PICKS UP a BANK CUSTOMER and THROWS him.
The demon whips around to find himself facing the Slayer.
Are you in the wrong line? That's for
deposits, that's for withdrawals, and
this is for getting kicked in the face.
She prepares to KICK the Demon - but she can't. Instead, she just kind of wiggles. And realizes her legs are stuck, immobilized by the tight skirt.
WHAM! The Demon BACKHANDS Buffy so hard she gets lifted off her feet and CRASHES painfully onto Mr. Savitsky's desk. Buffy grabs his letter opener as the Demon comes RAGING toward her.
As the Demon rushes upon her, Buffy hops off the desk, and SLITS an opening down the side of her skirt with the letter opener. Her legs are free.
The Demon lunges for her. Buffy roundhouse KICKS him in the head, three times in rapid succession, sending him staggering back. Buffy races to him to continue the battle - then STOPS. Turns, and neatly places the letter opener back in its holder.
Thanks so much.
She rushes back into battle, exchanges blows with the Demon. And as they fight, we see:
BEHIND THE TELLER COUNTER - the bank's money drawers are being EMPTIED. Quickly and professionally.
Stacks of hundreds and twenties get tossed into duffel bags. We don't see by whom. Just (three sets of) GLOVED HUMAN HANDS.
BACK OUT IN THE MAIN PART OF THE BANK:
The demon grabs Buffy in a crushing bear-hug, lifting her off her feet. Buffy struggles in his grasp. Then...
BANG! A GUNSHOT is fired.
Both Buffy and the Demon turn to see: A BANK GUARD, young and nervous, shakily holds his gun, having just fired the first live round in his life.
P-put the girl down.
The Demon HURLS Buffy at the young Guard. She crashes into him, they both fall to the ground. Buffy gets up off him, taking his gun.
These? Never helpful.
She tosses the gun away, out of frame. BANG! It goes off again, making everyone duck. Buffy greets the Demon head-on with a volley of good solid PUNCHES, the last one sending the Demon across the room. He recovers quickly though, heads for the exit ...
Horrified customers and tellers watch him go. Buffy tries to follow, but too many customers get in the way. She sees the Demon is gone.
The bank goes quiet. All eyes on Buffy.
Buffy returns to Mr. Savitsky, who stands at his desk, in shock.
(a bit more confident)
Now, about my loan... I'm not
saying I'm charging you for saving
your life or anything. But let's talk rates.
Mr. Savitsky looks at her, dumbly.
EXT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT
Establishing. We hear:
He still turned you down?! That's crazy!
INT. MAGIC BOX - TRAINING ROOM - NIGHT
Buffy trains, punching the heavy bag while she and Willow talk.
I mean, okay, even if the bank was
robbed -- which you battling demons
couldn't possibly know -- you'd think
there'd be some kind of reward.
Buffy keeps hitting the bag, harder and faster, as Willow continues to talk ...
But no, they're like, "We only give
you money if you prove you don't
need it." What kind of system is that?
You're asking the wrong gal.
Buffy, intense, spins and KICKS the bag hard, three quick shots in succession. Willow watches. Realizes:
Hey. Buffy, you're mad.
She starts back on the bag when Willow interrupts:
No! I mean, anger is a big, powerful
emotion you should feel.
Oh, well, that's good then.
It's gone now.
Okay - let me make you mad again.
Ready? Um, um ...
Last semester? I slept with Riley.
She raises her eyebrows hopefully. Buffy just stares at her incredulously.
And you know I really doubt it.
Caught me. Big fib.
... To cover up my sleazy affair with Angel.
Will, what the hell are you doing?
Pissing you off.
Yes. True. Why?
'Cause, you know, since you got back,
you haven't exactly been ... big with
the whole range of human emotions thing.
What do you mean?
Beat. Buffy just stares, waiting ... Willow squirms. Then, suddenly:
Well, you haven't really... no,
I mean it's just, um ... You know this
is really my problem. I'm all over the
place and, forget I even said anything
cause, cause, 'cause you know...
Willow shakes her head and looks to Buffy for agreement on the banks issue. Buffy just goes back to punching the bag, methodically.
Don't be such a wiener dog.
INT. MAGIC BOX - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT
Anya and Xander are near the table by the counter. In the b.g. Tara and Dawn are visible near the front door of the shop, looking through some books from a shelf over there. Anya and Xander make a pile of books to be consulted as they talk in animated almost-whispers.
Look at them, researching demons
for the billionth time. They need
a peppy boost of happy news.
You're right. I'll tell them.
Soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
Would you stop?
Anya, if I tell them we're engaged
right after you dared me to ... wouldn't
you always wonder if that's the only
reason I did it?
Score one for Captain Logic.
No, no. Captain Logic is not
steering this tugboat. I smell
Captain Fear at the wheel! God,
I hate this. This tone in my voice?
I dislike it more than you do, and
I'm-closer to it!
Tara and Dawn join them, setting big BOOKS down on the table.
Oh come on, Tara. I am so old
enough to do research. Do you
really think I'm not mature enough?
I think you're way mature for your
age, but you're still only fifteen.
Right, fif-teen. As in "teenager." You
know if you don't let me look at the
pictures, I'm gonna learn everything
I know about demons on the street.
Dawn waits. Tara sighs - hands her the book.
Knock yourself out.
Thank you. See? No biggie. I can
totally handle it.
Looking at one of the books, she's instantly curious.
That's a weird place for a horn.
And then she gently closes the book.
That's not a horn.
Then, re-considering, she slides it back to look again.
I still don't get it. I mean, what kind
of demon robs a bank?
The kind that wants money.
What do you even call that?
They all look at her. She holds up another book, proudly. Points to a drawing of our demon.
I'm guessing on how you say it. It's
got an apostrophe. I think it's
Mmm...Fashnik. Like "Mmm, cookies."
Or maybe "MuhFashnik" like "Muh...
Buffy and Willow enter from the back room. Dawn shows Buffy the book.
This your guy?
You do research now? You want a
cappuccino, maybe a pack of cigarettes
to go with that?
Would you just look at the picture?
Buffy looks at the book.
Doesn't exactly fit the profile of
your typical bank robber.
Maybe they turned down his loan application.
That's him. Big, bad ... this thing
was strong, guys. No weapons I
could see but ...
Buffy keeps talking, but her mouth is now on auto-pilot. She's looking at something the others aren't seeing, her words dribbling out.
... still ... real ... dangerous ...
Reverse to reveal what Buffy's looking at:
GILES. Standing in the doorway, locked frozen in eye contact with Buffy. Long pause.
Giles goes straight to Buffy. They hug. The others let Buffy and Giles have their moment.
She holds him tight.
My God, Buffy. You're alive. You're
here. And you're still ...
Huh? Oh. Sorry.
She backs off. Then hugs him again, just as tight.
Willow told me, but I didn't really
let myself believe ...
I take some getting used to.
I'm still getting used to me.
It's ... you're a ...
Yes. But then, I've always thought so.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The M'FASHNIK DEMON moves forward relentlessly, his eyes searching, angry ...
INT. MAGIC BOX - TRAINING ROOM - NIGHT
Giles and Buffy alone.
They just look at each other, smile. Then-
I can start. How was England?
How was life?
I'm not sure how to answer that. I
arrived home. Met with the council.
Tons of fun.
Other than that, there wasn't much
to report. I keep a flat in Bath. Saw
a few old friends and almost made a
new one, which I believe is statistically
impossible for a man my age.
And now you're back.
Wow. Giles, are you miserable about
it, or just really British?
I can't lie to you, Buffy. It was difficult
leaving Sunnydale. And coming back was...
I'm guessing the word is
You know that doesn't matter.
That gets through to her. Buffy holds Giles's gaze, until:
And how are you? Really. You look tired.
Me? Nah. Fine.
I mean, yeah, sleeping's hard, but just
because of that whole waking up in a
box thing. So maybe it's waking up that's
the problem. But only for a second.
I sleep okay. Great even, except, you
know ... for the dreams ...
She trails off, looks away, haunted. Giles gently reaches out to put his hands on her shoulders.
You seem to be doing remarkably
well under extreme circumstances.
I'm proud of you.
Well, actually, it wasn't me. Willow
brought me back. I just lay there.
Yes. I only meant-
I know what you meant. Just a little
post post-mortem comedy...
Better start prepping. The slayage.
She prepares to resume her workout on the bag.
There is always that, isn't there?
Seems that way.
INT. MAGIC BOX - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT
Giles re-enters the Magic Box main room.
Giles! God, we are so glad to see you.
We missed you. You can't have the store back.
You signed papers.
I did, and do we have information
on this Demon I suddenly find so
That we do.
This one robs banks.
I found him.
Aha! Like Mmm Cookies.
No, quite different, actually.
You know it?
By reputation. It comes from a long line
of mercenary demons, known to perform
acts of mayhem and slaughter for the
Well it is the American way.
Mmm. But now the question becomes:
what's out there powerful enough to
control one of these things?
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT
BOOM! A bunch of new electronics equipment boxes are knocked aside revealing the angry M'Fashnik demon who stands looming in the cellar doorway.
We had a deal. You got what you
wanted. Now give me what I want.
The head of the Slayer.
We see he's talking to: ANDREW, JONATHAN and WARREN.
They're in beanbag chairs in front of TV, counting MONEY. They look up, startled.
(Note: The lair at this point is fairly bare. It's clearly a large basement with cinderblock-and-board shelving and a small fridge. The TV has clearly just been purchased... its empty box stands nearby. The bank-robbery duffel bags, spilling with cash, are also visible.)
Andrew, Warren and Jonathan a1l look at each other, then look back at the Demon, a little terrified.
We can do that.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - CONTINUING - NIGHT
Where we left off: on an angry Demon, confronting the terrified trio of Andrew, Warren and Jonathan. As he talks, the Demon wanders around their lair, looking things over, touching things, sizing it all up like he owns the place.
You hired me to create carnage and
chaos for you. You told me you were
powerful men, commanding machines,
magicks and the demon realms below.
We're like, Super Villains.
They all laugh their super villain laughs. It needs work.
Which of you is leader?
I will kill your leader.
I will kill you all.
Wait - no fair! It's not our fault
the Slayer was there. We said
we'd pay you, and we're gonna.
Beat. Warren immediately gets to his knees, bowing...
Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is wisest
of us all.
Uh, yeah, long live our noble Lord
Oh, you guys suck. Hkkk!
The demon SMASHES a wad of bills out of Jonathanis hand, grabs him by the neck, and LIFTS. Jonathan's feet dangle.
You cannot pay me with paper,
tiny king. For pitting me against
the Slayer, I must kill you.
Andrew and Warren snicker, exchange grins and a little "thumbs up."
Then suck dry your bones and use them
to beat your subjects to death.
Andrew and Warren jump to their feet.
Whoa, big guy, let's back things up
a parsec. Now, if you kill us?
Everybody loses. But - let us live,
we give you ...
Give me what?
The Demon considers, eyeing the wiggling Jonathan suspiciously. He suddenly DROPS him to the ground.
Between the three of us, we can do
pretty much anything.
Like, you want a spell to make you
look super-cool to the other demons?
I'm all over that action, my friend.
Or? Just throwing it out there-
robot girlfriend. Huh?
For those long, lonely nights after
a hard day's slaughter?
You can do this?
Don't trust him. Robo-pimp daddy's
Shut up, Andrew! You're just mad I
wouldn't build you Christina Ricci!
You owe me, man.
Or else what? You'll train another pack
of devil-dogs to ruin my prom? Graduated.
That wasn't me! How many times do
I have to say it? The prom thing was
my lame-o brother, Tucker.
Yeah, well tell him I was at that prom.
Hello! Screen-wipe - new scene. I had
nothing to do with the devildogs! I trained
flying monkey-demons to attack the school
play! School play, dude!
That was cool.
Yeah, everyone was like all, "Run, Juliet!"
They all laugh their dorky laughs again. The M'Fashnik Demon stops it abruptly by ROARING in their faces:
They're instantly silent.
Nothing you offer will satisfy your debt
to me. I do not want toys or spells or
I want the Slayer dead.
One dead Slayer, coming up. Um,
could you just give us a minute?
We just wanna really nail down
the optimum method for us to wipe
out that Slayer for you.
Make sure it involves pain.
And as he grins in anticipation we prelap:
I know, it's so cute you could die.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Buffy tries to make up a guest bed for Giles on the living room sofa. She's got a stack of brightly colored children's sheets with Teddy Bear pictures on them.
But they're all I got.
Think nothing of it.
Giles takes a pillow and pillowcase. Buffy tries to tuck a sheet around the sofa cushions.
They were mine when I was little.
I couldn't find the guest sheets.
Mom always did this stuff.
She looks at the sofa. She's made a complete mess of it ... sheet on sidewise, cushions rumpled.
It's a little ...
That's fine! I'll just ...
Giles starts straightening out the bed.
Pff. I blame the sofa. We need a real
pull-out bed. The kind with no payments
Just, money stuff. Turns out Mom
left me some and while I was dead?
Got squandered on luxuries like food
How bad is it?
Anya says bad. I'm kinda taking
her word for it. Actually, I'm kinda
trying to not think about it.
Giles finishes tugging at the sheets ... the improvised bed looks good now, smooth and even.
A sound policy. At least for tonight.
Yeah, I'll just put it out of my mind
for awhile, take a break, get some
perspective ... then wake up at
four a.m. terrified.
Buffy plumps down on the freshly made sofa, grabbing a cushion to hold. She looks straight ahead -- lost ...
Buffy, you may be putting too much
pressure on yourself. To return from
some unknown level of Hell ... it's only
natural coming back would be a process.
In the meantime, I'm scaring people.
That may take some time, too.
Good. I've always hoped to freak out
the people who love me. And not just
in the short-term, but you know - as a lifestyle.
If it's any consolation, life can get
overwhelming even for people who
haven't been ... where you have.
I guess, but I don't know, Giles,
I mean ... stuff like spoons are still
weird to me. Then you add complex
financial issues on top of that, and -
Buffy go bye-bye.
She shakes her head. It's all too much. Giles looks for something, anything comforting to say:
Perhaps you should just go night-
Was that meant to be soothing?
And it became a debacle of epic
But - Tomorrow, you and I can sit down
together and go over everything. Every
bill, one by one. We'll work it out together.
Giles sits down next to Buffy. A beat. They share a look.
I'm glad you're back.
Well. I'm glad you are too.
Giles moves to put a comforting hand on Buffy's shoulder. But she's up off the couch before he makes contact. Off Giles, watching her, concerned ...
Are we really gonna kill her?
That's so sad.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT
Warren has pulled the other two guys away with him in a huddle.
Shut up, Whine-athan.
But I don't want to kill Buffy, either!
Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of
times. Plus - she's hot.
It's her or us. We have to do it.
You're talking about murder.
I'm talking about staying alive, and
this is my Mom's house so I think
what I say goes.
But, aside from the moral issues?
And the mess? We can get in trouble
Dur! Last I checked, the authorities
frown on bank robbery too, genius.
I'm not even sure we could kill
Buffy. She's got super-strength.
And, you know ... killing people ...
This isn't why we got together
in the first place.
Yeah. We teamed up with one clear,
super-cool mission statement. Remember?
FLASH! We WHITEOUT into a FLASHBACK of:
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY
We see the lair before it was "lair-ized." Just a regular, poorly-lit suburban basement rec-room. Jonathan, Andrew and Warren sit at a table playing "Dungeons and Dragons."
So ... you guys wanna team up and
take over Sunnydale?
FLASH BACK TO:
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - NIGHT
Back to the huddle.
Of course I remember.
It was last month.
Then you know we have a mission.
Jonathan points at a whiteboard posted on the wall. It's titled "TO DO". The list includes "CONTROL THE WEATHER" "MINIATURIZE FORT KNOX" and "CONJURE FAKE I.D.S" and also ...
Shrink rays. Trained gorillas.
Workable prototype jetpacks and
chicks, chicks, chicks. I know that's
the action I signed on for.
Me too. Ixnay on the urder-may.
Okay. Who's for not killing Buffy?
Andrew and Jonathan hold up their "vulcan salute" hands. Wait for Warren. Okay, okay ... he holds up his "vulcan salute hand" too.
So what do we do about this M'Fashnik guy?
Andrew gestures, "I don't know."
Wait here. I got an idea.
Warren approaches the demon, turning him away from the other two, surreptitiously hands him a slip of paper.
Here's the Slayer's name, address
and phone numberer. You wanna
kill her? Make it so.
The Demon takes the paper. Gives the room one last look-over, heads out. The other two guys approach Warren, awed.
How'd you make him do that?
Yeah, what are you, some kind of Jedi?
The force can sometimes have great
power on the weak-minded.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Willow is rummaging around in the cupboards. A noise turns her. She sees Giles in the doorway.
He closes the door. Looking a bit grim.
You have a good talk with Buffy?
Yes, now that she's back.
Isn't it awesome?
Mmm. Tell me about this spell you
Okay. First of all - so scary.
Like, the Blair Witch would
have had to watch like this.
And this giant snake came out my
mouth and then there was all this
energy crackling and then this pack
of demons interrupted but I totally
kept it together and the next thing
you know ... Buffy.
She proudly awaits his kudos.
You're a very stupid girl.
Beat. Willow blinks, re-grouping ...
What? Giles ...
Do you have any idea what you've
done? The forces you've harnessed?
The lines you've crossed?
I thought you'd be ...
...impressed, or something.
Oh, don't worry, you've made a
deep impression. Of everyone
here - you were the one I trusted
most to respect the forces of nature.
Are you saying you don't trust me?
Think what you've done to Buffy.
I brought her back!
At incredible risk.
Risk? Of what? Making her deader?
Killing us all. Unleashing a hell on
Earth. Shall I go on?
No! Giles, I did what I had to do.
I did what nobody else could do.
Oh, there are others in the world
who can do what you did. You
just don't want to meet them.
Okay, probably not - but they're bad
guys. I am not a bad guy. I brought
Buffy back to the world and maybe
the word you should be looking for
Having Buffy back in the world
makes me feel indescribably
wonderful - but I wouldn't
congratulate you if you jumped
off a cliff and happened to survive.
That's not what I did, Giles!
You were lucky.
I wasn't lucky, I was amazing.
How would you know anyway?
You weren't even there.
If I had been I'd have bloody well
stopped you! The Magicks you
channeled are more primal and
ferocious than you can hope to
understand, and you're lucky to
be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur.
Beat. Giles is done. Willow flatlines, total calm, staring into his eyes. Then:
You're right. The Magicks I used are
incredibly powerful. I'm incredibly powerful.
And maybe it's not such a good idea
for you to piss me off.
The two just stare at each other. Long beat. Finally, Willow relents, back to herself.
C'mon, Giles, I don't want to fight.
Let's not, okay? I'll think about
what you said, and you ... try to
be happy Buffy's back.
Giles just regards her a moment before responding.
We still have no idea where she was
or what happened to her.
EXT. BACK PORCH - NIGHT
Buffy is standing outside, within earshot of the kitchen. She is hugging herself against the cold, and hearing every word from overhead:
And I'm far from convinced she's come
out of all this undamaged.
Buffy stays standing where she is in the cold. She looks down. Sees a CIGARETTE BUTT land at her feet. She steps on it, grinds it out. Without looking up:
Spike steps out of the shadows, approaches Buffy.
You hear all that noise?
Just enough to make me feel crappy.
You know watcher-boy doesn't mean
anything by it.
I guess. Everyone's all ... they all
care. They all care so much, it makes
it all harder.
Not sure I followed 'round that bend, love.
I don't know. I just feel like, like
I'm spending all my time trying to be
okay, so no one'll worry. It's exhausting,
and then I get all ...
(can't find the words)
... and that makes 'em worry even more.
Buffy nods, relieved to be understood without words.
Want me to take 'em out? Give me
a hell of a headache, but I could
probably thin the herd a little.
He smiles, slyly -- joking. Buffy can't quite suppress a smile of her own. That pleases Spike.
Knew I could get a grin.
Buffy sits. Spike sits beside her.
Why are you always around when I'm
'Cause that's when you're alone,
I reckon. I'm not much for crowds
myself these days.
That works out nicely then.
And they sit in silence, looking out at the night.
So, you know anything about finances?
EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
STOCK SHOT: Only one light on in the living room. It's very late.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FOYER/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dawn, in pajamas, walks down the stairs.
Giles rises from the sofa in the living room, where he was sitting up reading. He crosses to Dawn.
Not really. You?
Giles looks at the book, still held in his hand.
You ever try mixing parts of every
cereal you got together in one bowl?
Does it work?
Gonna find out. You want to join
Perhaps I'll be the control group.
As you get older you'll find you lose
patience with throwing ... up ...
Giles is looking at the front door handle, TURNING. Dawn turns to see what he's looking at.
Is that locked?
The front door SMASHES! Dawn takes the brunt of the impact - gets slammed back, knocked to the floor, but conscious. She looks up helplessly to see:
The M'Fashnik demon standing in the doorway, having just kicked in the door.
Giles takes a step forward. The demon swats him aside. Giles, head hits the banister as he falls. He lands on the stairs, out cold. The Demon WHIRLS on Dawn.
You're not the Slayer. But you'll do
for a start.
As he LUNGES at the screaming Dawn, we BLACKOUT.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FOYER/LIVING ROOM - CONTINUING
Exactly where we left off. The Demon LUNGING at Dawn. Except - he STOPS cold. Dawn looks at him, confused. Then he gets YANKED back away from Dawn - revealing Buffy.
You're paying for that door, buddy!
Buffy throws him into the LIVING ROOM where he lands hard on the coffee table, completely flattening it.
Ooh ... table.
The demon FLIPS himself up from the floor. He is clutching a fragment of the table in his hand, and he throws it aside. He doesn't even notice that it knocks over a lamp, which breaks. Buffy winces.
You have cost me, Slayer.
I cost you? That's a designer lamp,
The demon charges at Buffy, roaring ...
Oh, watch the rug, watch the rug ...
WHAM! He makes impact, tackling her clean into the ...
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Dining room. Buffy lands hard with the demon on top of her. She rolls him over, knocking him into the table leg. A wine decanter falls off the table...
Buffy catches it and sets it down carefully. Buffy gets up and squares off against the demon.
And with a mighty punch she launches him toward the kitchen door. But Spike is there to catch him. He twists the demon's arm behind his back, stopping him...
Spike! No! I want him in the kitchen!
Spike holds the demon in place right in front of the kitchen door. Then lets go - just at the moment Buffy flies into frame, double-feet kicking the demon hard in the chest, sending him crashing through the doorway into the kitchen.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
The demon FLIES backward into the kitchen, propelled by Buffy's kick.
Open the door! The basement!
Spike yanks open the door to the basement.
I'm taking him down.
She grabs the demon, bum-rushes him toward the cellar door, and topples the two of them down the basement stairs.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
BUMP BUMP BUMP - Buffy and the M'Fashnik demon, locked in combat, come TUMBLING down the basement steps. The Demon lands with a SPLASH in the foot of water at the bottom of the stairs.
Buffy and the demon exchange punches. She pushes him back near where the pipe leak was.
I have been looking forward to this,
The demon looks around for a weapon. He reaches up and grabs the newly-repaired pipe.
Water sprays (it doesn't hit Buffy).
The demon swings at Buffy with the pipe. In one swift angry move she doubles him over, strips the pipe from him and begins beating him with it.
She holds him under the water with one foot as she beats and yells:
Full... copper... re-pipe! No...
more... full... copper... re-pipe!
Buffy stops. The demon is finally motionless in the water.
Breathless, Buffy turns to see Spike standing on the stairs watching.
Whoa. Did you know this place was flooded?
Buffy gives him a look reserved for the stupidest people on earth as we hear:
I think we have a lot to feel good about.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY
The bank-robbery duffel bags are empty.
The lair has been thoroughly upgraded since we last saw it. It's now a full-fledged make-out pad/mad scientist hang-out (basically, it's Jane's new office).
It has video games and ultra-modern furniture -- including crazy lamps and beaded curtains. It also has a lab bench and lots of mysterious equipment.
James Bond meets Freaks & Geeks (the Geeks part).
Warren is tinkering with something.
We got the money. We got the lair.
And our one loose end has been taken
care of by the Slayer.
He hits a button. His device is revealed to be a FLAME-THROWER. It shoots a jet of fire a few feet in front of him.
Andrew is operating the controls of a periscope -- the corresponding image appears on the TV -- a woman working in a suburban garden.
Periscope's working. Your mom's
weeding tulips again.
Jonathan is unpacking a box of action figures and arranging them in fighting poses on their new glass shelves.
Action figures - fully deployed.
Now the TV image is of a pretty girl sun bathing.
I still can't believe it. We did it!
We can do anything. We, we can
stay up all night if we wanna.
Whoa, whoa, don't get all crazy on
I'm only saying ...
But what are we ' gonna do about Buffy?
You know sooner or later, the
Slayer's gotta come after us.
Bring her on.
We could hypnotize her.
Make her our willing sex bunny.
Again with the goofy laughs.
I'm putting that on the list.
Jonathan puts "Hypnotize Buffy" on the "To Do" list.
Is this the life or what? I mean,
here we got all the stuff we ever
wanted, and we didn't have to ...
It's true, my friends. Way I see it,
life is like an interstellar journey.
Some go into hypersleep and travel
at sub-light speeds, only to get where
they're going after years of struggle,
toil and hard, hard work. We, on the
other hand ...
Blasted through the space-time
continuum in a worm hole?
He lights a cigar with a burning hundred dollar bill.
Crime is our worm hole.
He then waves the hundred frantically, blows on it, tries to smooth it out, hoping it's still spendable ...
But everyone knows if the width of
a worm hole's cavity is'a whole number
of wavelengths plus a fraction of that
wavelength, the coinciding particle
activity collapses the infrastructure.
Warren puts on a virtual reality visor, faces Andrew, looking like a straight-faced, bug-eyed alien.
Dude. Don't be a geek.
He starts blasting imaginary targets.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Buffy, Xander, Anya, Dawn and Willow are in the living room. They are surrounded by debris. Xander is examining the crushed coffee table. Willow and Dawn are looking at the shattered lamp, trying to put it together like a jigsaw puzzle. Anya is doing math in a notebook. Buffy, sitting on a chair with a taped-together back, looks around at the wreckage, dazed and overwhelmed.
This is going to take forever, isn't it?
Not forever. Just, a very long time.
Anya shows her the notebook.
Here. A first approximation of your
spanking new debt.
I've trashed this house so many
times. How did Mom pay for all this?
For starters? She saved money with
this crappy-ass coffee table.
Buffy looks dazed.
There is always that "charging" option.
No. I will definitely ... probably
not be doing that.
Giles enters, pressing a cloth to his forehead. Tara hovers around him solicitously (she was helping tend to him).
Well, now I know I'm back in America
as I've been knocked unconscious.
Aw. Poor lumpy Giles.
What do you think that demon wanted, anyway?
Aside from costing you a bundle.
Dunno. And now he's way too dead to
answer that question. Wish we knew
who hired him.
Maybe I could do a locator spell ...
Giles shoots her look.
Xander has reached a decision about the table:
(very TV doctor)
It's been four hours. I'm calling it,
people. This coffee-table. It's gone.
Also the lamp's in critical condition.
The big problem here's that all the
pieces are in pieces.
Let's take these out to the trash and
give 'em a decent throwing out.
Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya pick up pieces of lamp or table and exit. Buffy, Giles and Dawn are left in the living room. Giles looks at Buffy. She's staring at nothing -- she looks empty. Dawn and Giles notice.
She looks at him.
Giles. I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can. Your mother dealt
with this sort of thing all the time.
She took one crisis at a time, without
the aid of superpowers, and got
through it all. So can you.
Buffy nods, a little less grim. Re-assured. The phone rings.
Who'd be calling? Everyone
I know lives here.
(as she goes)
Be right back. We'll get into
this. I want to kick financial
(matter-of-fact, to Giles)
I bet it's creditors. The hounding has
begun. I read about it. So ... you
think we'll starve?
I very much doubt it.
No chance I'll have to quit school
and work assembling cheap toys
in a poorly-ventilated sweatshop?
A poorly-ventilated ... What have you
Buffy re-enters, her nearly-cheerful expression gone. Back to game face. Giles picks up on it immediately.
Buffy, what is it?
Is he in trouble?
He knows I'm ... He needs to see me.
And I have to see him.
Yes, of course. You'll leave for
(shakes her head)
Not L.A. And not here. We'll meet
in the middle. There's a place...
I see. Well, we'd better get these
bills and things out of the way before you ...
I gotta go now.
She heads out. Stops. Comes back.
Thanks for taking care of this for me.
Buffy heads upstairs, leaving Giles and Dawn behind.
Off Giles and Dawn alone in the trashed living room, we ...