Living Conditions

July 30, 1999 (White)

Written by: Marti Noxon

Teaser

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Buffy, in patrol mode, is getting ready to go out. KATHY her cute roomie, does some ironing while she watches Buffy. Kathy appears well-meaning, but on the anal side. Currently, she's spinning Mariah Carey's "Butterfly." To make matters worse - she has an OVERSIZED CELINE DION POSTER COVERING HER WALL. It should also be noted that Kathy's side of the room is meticulously clean and orderly - while Buffy's is a comfy mess.

It's clear that these two are still in the "polite stage" of roomie living - but that they are both irritated with each other and working hard to maintain it. Buffy is obviously bugged by the Mariah, but she tries to find something positive to say about it.

BUFFY
(looking at Mariah CD)
Wow. This music is so... She's...
wearing a really little skirt.

KATHY
I know - this song is super fun, isn't it?

BUFFY
(a little tightly)
You bet. It just gets fun-er and fun-er
every time you play it.

KATHY
Going out?

BUFFY
Yeah. I'm seriously caffeine deprived.
Figured I'd go study at the Grotto and
get a jolt.

Kathy finishes her task - and we see that she's ironed a NEAT CREASE INTO HER JEANS. She lays out the pants alongside the rest of her outfit for the next day.

KATHY
It's late. Won't you be up all night?

BUFFY
That's cool. I'm kind of an "up" sort
of... night person. I mentioned that, right?

KATHY
I guess I didn't realize you'd be
coming and going at all hours.
(quickly)
Not that I mind. I'm just surprised.

BUFFY
I'll be quiet as a mouse. Promise.

Buffy gathers her coat and backpack - starting for the door.

BUFFY (cont'd)
Okay. Well-

KATHY
Oh. Say, Buffy?

Buffy stops as Kathy moves to a note pad near the phone.

KATHY (cont'd)
I wanted to show you a little system
I implemented.

BUFFY
(not thrilled)
Goody. A system.

KATHY
Just log every call you make in here.
That way when the bill comes there
won't be a problem. I figure - a
stitch in time...

Buffy tries to keep the edge out of her voice.

BUFFY
Catches the worm. You bet.
(heads for the door)
So, see you...

KATHY
(stops her again)
Also? I noticed that some of my milk
was missing. Did you...

BUFFY
(embarrassed)
Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. I meant to-

KATHY
(quickly)
No. It's totally okay. I was just
wondering.

BUFFY
I was having my coffee and-

KATHY
Buffy, it's fine. I just wanted to
make sure-

"Butterfly" ends on the boom box. Kathy reacts and hits the "repeat" button. The song starts again and Kathy continues.

KATHY (cont'd)
-that we didn't have a thief or something.

BUFFY
(genuinely puzzled)
Like who - Sid the wily diary gnome?

KATHY
I don't know. It's not a big deal.
Please, feel free.

BUFFY
Okay, well. Sorry again.
(then)
I'd better...

Buffy starts to edge toward the door again.

KATHY
(overly chipper)
Great! Have a good time.

BUFFY
(also too nice)
And you too. With the studying.

With that - Buffy's gone, the door closing quickly behind her.

EXT. CAMPUS WOODS - NIGHT

Buffy and Will are patrolling a path that cuts through the woods on campus. Buffy seems a little keyed up.

WILLOW
So you had trouble getting past Kathy?

BUFFY
Yep. She made big with the questions.

WILLOW
And you thought your days of sneaking
out of your room were over.

BUFFY
No such luck. Kathy's nice and
everything but she's like - I don't
know - Mini-Mom of Momdonia.
(stops/then)
Did you hear something?

Willow listens, offers helpfully-

WILLOW
I'm chewing my gum kinda loud.

BUFFY
That's not it.

WILLOW
My sneakers are squeaky.

BUFFY
(impatient)
I'm looking for something lurky
here, Will.

WILLOW
Oh. Sorry. No.

They start walking again, Buffy looking a little antsy now.

BUFFY
Darn. I could use a little play tonight.
Listening to the best of VH1 all day
sorta put me on the edge.

WILLOW
(sympathetic)
Kathy's still spinning the Divas?

BUFFY
'Cause it's so fun.

Buffy catches herself bitching. Decides to stop.

BUFFY (cont'd)
No biggy. College is a time of change,
right? I bet she'll be trip-hopping all
over the place before too long.

WILLOW
Yeah. The dorm thing is just an
adjustment we have to make.
(casually)
I mean, my roomie's kind of...
challenging too.

BUFFY
And what are we - if not women up
to a challenge?

WILLOW
Exactly. Did we not put the Grrrr in girl?

Now Buffy and Willow come to a fork in the path.

WILLOW (cont'd)
Well, this is where I get off.

BUFFY
Say hey to Oz for me.

WILLOW
I will. And, acting as his main squeeze,
I extend a "hey" right back at ya on his
behalf... Happy hunting.

BUFFY
Thanks. Wish me monsters.

And they move off in separate directions.

CLOSE ON THE WOODS

Where, unbeknownst to Buffy, her wish appears to be fulfilled. A FIGURE LURKS - watching her. It's a hellish looking DEMONS WITH BURNING EYES, although his face is mostly covered by the dark cloak he wears.

BLACK OUT.

END OF TEASER
Act One

EXT. CAMPUS WOODS - NIGHT

Back to that path through the woods. Buffy continues patrolling for a few quiet beats. Then a loud SNAP OF A TWIG turns her.

BUFFY
Will?

Nothing. Buffy's slayer senses are tingling. She starts walking again until ANOTHER NOISE stops her in her tracks.

BUFFY (cont'd)
All right. Why don't you quit hiding
and come out and face me like a... thing.

Coiled for a fight, BUFFY GOES FOR THE STAKE IN HER COAT - At which point KATHY appears out of the darkness on the path. She's a little breathless.

KATHY
Hey, I caught you...

Buffy relaxes and takes her hand off the stake, a little perplexed by the intrusion.

BUFFY
Everything okay?

KATHY
Everything's super. I just decided a
decaf latte sounded like heaven after all.

BUFFY
Oh. So. You're... coming along.

KATHY
Why not? This way you don't have to
walk these spooky paths alone.

Buffy tries to find her smile. How is she going to patrol with this chick around?

BUFFY
Great. That's great.

They walk around a few beats. Kathy stretches her arms happily.

KATHY
This is neat, isn't it? The fresh air,
the trees, the-

She'd go on - but another LOUD NOISE in the woods stops them. Buffy spins and sees a CLOAKED FIGURE emerging from the trees. Without warning Buffy SHOVES KATHY roughly behind some bushes, getting her out of harm's way.

CLOSE ON KATHY

Who hits the ground hard, dazed. THE BUSH HIDES HER FROM THE ACTION and she doesn't see-

BUFFY

And the CLOAKED DEMON we saw watching her earlier go at it. The demon SWINGS at her with a massive SPIKED CLUB, but Buffy manages to evade his blows. In fact, fueled by her annoyance at Kathy, she deals out fairly brutal punishment to the dude.

Before too long, the demon realizes he's outclassed and takes off into the darkness. Buffy considers going after him, but KATHY is starting to get up from behind the bushes, and Buffy realizes that she can't leave her alone. She moves to help Kathy, who is shaken and covered with mud twigs and such.

KATHY (cont'd)
What the blizzard was that all about?!

BUFFY
It was... He... tried to take my backpack.

KATHY
(puzzled)
What were you thinking - taking
him on like that?

BUFFY
I don't know. I panicked, I guess.

KATHY
It's just, you could have gotten hurt
or something. And look at my sweater -
it's ruined.

Although irked, Buffy manages to hold her tongue at this. Kathy's just having a natural reaction to an unnatural situation.

BUFFY
Yeah. Sorry about that.
(then)
Come on, let's get you cleaned up.

They start to walk out of the woods now, back the way they came.

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS - NIGHT

BUFFY AND KATHY MOVE OFF - and we see the ATTACKING DEMON still hidden in the woods. Once he is sure they're gone - he moves to A SECOND DEMON who looks just like him. They speak to each other in undecipherable demon talk.

 DEMON ONE
(demon-speak)
Mil sty'ga dir rach ulam.

 DEMON ONE
(subtitled)
She may be the one.

 DEMON TWO
(demon-speak)
Gol v'ruq ga toka. Ach'va mil.

 DEMON TWO
(subtitled)
We have to be sure. Follow her.

 DEMON ONE
(demon-speak)
P'uvaq a-gol

 DEMON ONE
(subtitled)
As you wish.

EXT. COURTYARD OUTSIDE OF GILES' PLACE - MORNING (DAY)

Buffy waits for Giles outside of his place - idly going through his mail to stave off boredom.

BUFFY
(to herself)
Boring bill, bill, bill...

She stops - interested in something she finds - just as GILES ARRIVES. He's just been for a run. Buffy takes this in, a little perplexed.

BUFFY (cont'd)
You run?

GILES
And jump. And bend. And,
occasionally, frolic.

BUFFY
Okay... And what's with Motorbike
and Scooter magazine?

Giles yanks his mail away from her, annoyed.

GILES
Congratulations. You've found me out -
I'm a mod jogger.

BUFFY
You're not doing the mid-life thing,
are you? Cause I'm still going "ick"
from the last time you recaptured
your youth-

GILES
Buffy-

BUFFY
Sorry... Demon. Last night. Made
with the pummeling. Got away.

GILES
What sort of demon?

BUFFY
He was wearing a cloak. Glowy red eyes.
And his skin looked like he had a super
bad rub-on tan.

GILES
Translate?

BUFFY
Orange-y.

GILES
Thank you. Anything else?

BUFFY
My roomie Kathy was there - but she
didn't see anything.

GILES
You took her patrolling with you?

BUFFY
Well - I invited the whole dorm, but
she was the only one who could make it.
(off his look)
She thought I was going for coffee.
Decided to tag along.

GILES
Right. Best to discourage her of
that habit.
(then)
From what you describe, I'm not familiar
with this creature. I'll look into it and
give you a ring as soon as I have something.

Giles smiles politely and starts to open his mail, signaling that the meeting is over - but Buffy hangs.

BUFFY
So... It's nice out here.

GILES
Yes. I take my tea here sometimes.

BUFFY
Hum. And what are you up to today?

GILES
I've quite a big day, actually. A friend
of mine recently acquired an original
Guttenberg demonography and it
suddenly occurs to me that you've
never once asked me what my day's
plans were, which leads me to inquire
if you're feeling entirely yourself?

BUFFY
What? That's not true. I ask about
you all the time.
(off his look)
Well - maybe the words don't actually
make it out of my head - but I think
about asking.

GILES
Which I appreciate. But it still doesn't
answer why you're hanging about
instead of rushing off as usual.

Buffy hesitates - but finally spills the beans.

BUFFY
No big. I just want to hang here until
my roommate goes to class.

GILES
Ahh. I see.

BUFFY
I know. It's probably just me - having
a bitch attack.
(quickly/defensive)
But it's not. Me. I mean, she's make
anybody nuts. She has her outfits
written up on index cards and she
gives them names like "Easter at
the White House." I find that deeply,
deeply disturbed - don't you?

GILES
Buffy. Living with someone isn't easy,
especially for an only child-

BUFFY
Listen to me. When she sharpens her
pencils - she measures them with a
ruler so they'll all be the same size.

GILES
Which is fussy, I agree. But everyone
has their idiosyncrasies - and you'd do
well to learn to tolerate them.

A beat as Buffy takes this in. Gets it.

BUFFY
Or I'll end up an old lady who can only live with cats?

GILES
Something like that.

BUFFY
Okay. You're right. Take a mental pic:

She forces a nice smile.

BUFFY (cont'd)
This is me - the kinder, gentler Buffy.
Roommate extraordinare.

INT. ROCKET CAFÉ - DAY

Buffy's sporting the same smile as she sees KATHY, who clearly doesn't see her yet, moving across the dining hall toward her. But as Kathy gets nearer - Buffy's resolve flickers, then dies. She grabs a tray and hides behind it, cutting into line behind a bunch of bulky guys. Buffy waits. Kathy passes - oblivious to her presence. Buffy, guilty but relieved, lowers her tray.

PARKER (O.C.)
Ex-boyfriend or loan shark?

BUFFY
Excuse me?

Buffy turns to find herself staring up into the dreaminess that is PARKER ABRAMS. He's a few years older, very sweet and smart. And he makes girls go goo goo with his eyes. Buffy tries to play it cool, despite the fact that she's a tad awed.

PARKER
The person you're hiding from.

BUFFY
Oh... Both. Ugly break up.

Now they arrive at the part of the line where the food happens. Parker starts piling his tray, while Buffy ponders. She picks a yogurt, an apple...

PARKER
Freshman, huh?

BUFFY
It's that obvious?

PARKER
There are signs. For instance, people
who've been around for a while know
how to use their dining hall card.

BUFFY
It's not for food?

PARKER
Work it right and you can get three meals
worth. Which equals fewer punch cards
used annually-

BUFFY
(catching on)
-and more dough from Dad you can
keep for yourself.

PARKER
Right. The goal is to polish off as much
as humanly possible in one sitting -
enough to get you through the day if
necessary - while chipmunking items
for future consumption.

BUFFY
Got it.

PARKER
Excess dry goods fit nicely in a back
pack or pocket. The wetter items,
your macaronies, your turkey loaf -
then you're into Ziplocks, it's not
for beginners.

BUFFY
I should take it slow.

They arrive at the cashier. They both offer their cards to her and she punches away - oblivious to their scheming. Once they get out of the line they linger awkwardly with their trays, each wondering what the next move should be.

PARKER
So...

Now Buffy sees WILLOW, who smiles and waves from the table she shares with Oz and Xander.

BUFFY
Oh. Those are my... Are you - ?

PARKER
I have someone waiting. Otherwise, I'd...
(offers his hand)
Parker Abrams. I'm at Kresge Hall.

BUFFY
Buffy Summers. Stevenson.

PARKER
Okay. Well, see you around, Buffy
Summers of Stevenson.

BUFFY
See you, Parker Abrams.

He grins and moves off. Buffy watches him, charmed.

INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE ROCKET CAFÉ - DAY

Buffy, a goofy smile on her face, joins Willow, Oz and Xander at their table.

XANDER
Hey. Say hi to non-college guy.

They greet each other. Then -

BUFFY
Not that I mind, but don't you non-college
guys usually populate the non-campus?

XANDER
Usually. But I thought I'd come 'round
and check on my girls.

WILLOW
And eat off my tray.

Indeed, Xander is munching off Willow's plate.

BUFFY
What's the deal, Xand. Don't your
parents feed you?

XANDER
Sure they do. For a price.

Now Buffy can't help but notice Parker take a seat across the room. Willow is understandably curious.

WILLOW
So - spill. What was that all about?
With the cutie patootie?

BUFFY
I don't know. Nothing serious, I think.
Just random adorableness.

XANDER
A technique I know well. Hit the girl
with your best shot and then - hasta.

OZ
(nods)
Gotta respect the drive by.

XANDER
Low rejection. Fond memories.

WILLOW
It looked like more than that to me.
He got all googly-eyed.

XANDER
That's cause he got hit by the Buffinator.
Now he's powerless.

BUFFY
(pleased)
You think?

OZ
No question. He'll be back.

XANDER
So what else is up with the Buff?
Any vamp action?

BUFFY
No, but I got jumped by a demon of
non-specific origin the other night.

XANDER
Yeah? Something apocalypse-y? Do
we need to assemble the Scooby gang?

BUFFY
(bemused)
Thanks. I think I'm okay.

XANDER
I just got way too excited, didn't I?

BUFFY
(affectionately)
I think you need to get out of the
basement more often, Xand.

Xander would reply, but now KATHY moves to the table.

KATHY
(enthusiastically)
Hi everybody. Squeeze in.

Kathy wriggles in between Buffy and Xander. Buffy is more than a little displeased.

BUFFY
(tightly)
You all know Kathy, my roomie?

Will and Oz nod and say hi.

BUFFY (cont'd)
Is that my sweater?

Kathy smiles, unfazed.

KATHY
I didn't think you'd mind. I mean, you
got mine all muddy...

BUFFY
(hotly)
I was saving you from a-

Willow isn't sure Buffy will edit herself. Jumps in.

WILLOW
Bear!

Buffy shoots Willow a look. She's got it.

BUFFY
Mugger.

KATHY
(sweetly)
It's not a problem, is it? I mean, I figure
we're almost like sisters now - living
together and everything.

Xander, Oz, Willow and Kathy all wait for Buffy's response. Buffy feels the pressure, doesn't want to appear petty.

BUFFY
No. No. It's cool. I just wished
you'd asked.

With that, everybody relaxes. Goes back to normal conversation. Except Buffy, who is FIXATED on that sweater.

CLOSE ON KATHY

Who eats as she talks to Xander, bringing a JUICY BURGER to her lips...

XANDER (O.C.)
So, where are you from Kathy?

KATHY (O.C.)
Nebraska, originally...

CLOSE ON BUFFY

Anxiety rising as she sees what's about to happen.

SUPER CLOSE ON KATHY AND THE SWEATER

XANDER (O.C.)
Ah yes, big sky country. I know it well...

As a BIG GLOB OF CATSUP falls from the burger in SLOW MOTION, hitting the sweater like a giant drop of red rain.

ECU ON BUFFY'S EYES

As she takes this in.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Buffy, in her jammies, is sitting on her bed with the phone. Kathy is nowhere to be seen. As she talks, Buffy goes through her backpack - pulling out some paper, pencils and apple - until she finds some gum. She pops some in her mouth and chews angrily over-

BUFFY
(into phone)
I mean, can you believe her? First she
acts like she has sit privileges at my
lunch table just because some computer
decided to make us cell mates-

WILLOW (O.C.)
I'm sure it's not easy for her. She's
not like you - she doesn't know
anybody here.

BUFFY
Fine. Whatever. What about my sweater?
You can't believe the stuff I have to
put up with!

INT. WILLOW'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING (NIGHT)

Now we see Willow on the other end of Buffy's complaints. She's in the middle of an INSANE PARTY raging in her dorm room. Her roomie is clearly a stoner maniac and the place is a chaotic mess. As she listens, Willow gets hit in the head with a Nerf football. Clearly, this happens a lot, because she barely reacts.

WILLOW
Yeah, I guess it's hard, but I'm sure
the sweater thing was an accident.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING (NIGHT)

BUFFY
I don't know, Will. I don't think I can
stand another day of this.
(hears something)
She's back from the bathroom. Later.

Buffy hangs up abruptly as Kathy enters.

KATHY
(singsong)
Don't forget to log those calls...

With that, Kathy whips out some dental floss and starts intently de-gunking her teeth. Buffy looks away - repulsed - and takes the apple she pulled from her backpack to the little refrigerator they share.

CLOSE ON THE FRIDGE

As Buffy stashes the apple, she sees that most of the food is now LABELED IN BLACK INK with Kathy's name.

BUFFY

Takes this in, highly irritated. She slams the fridge closed. As she passes back to her bed she notices that the WINDOW IS CLOSED. SHE OPENS IT. Kathy takes this in - displeased - and reaches for one of her books. Which turns out to be stuck to the desk by a nice fat WAD OF GUM.

KATHY (cont'd)
Ehh. Who left their gum here?

Buffy stops chewing. Looks innocent.

BUFFY
Gum gnome?

KATHY
It wasn't me. It had to be somebody, Buffy.

Buffy shrugs as she SWALLOWS her gum.

BUFFY
Huh. Don't know.

Kathy, furious, puts the book down. Flicks off her light.

KATHY
Fine.

Buffy smiles, feeling she won that round.

BUFFY
Fine.

And she turns out her light.

CLOSE ON WINDOW

Where we see that the DEMON LURKS. Watching them.

CUT TO BLACK:

INT. BUFFY'S DREAM STATE - NIGHT

Now, out of the black emerge SUPER QUICK FLASHES of various images. They are somewhat undefined and we can't tell where the following scenarios take place:

One of the demons Buffy saw in the woods hovers over her. He chants in a guttural, creepy voice as he forces some kind of red liquid (blood?) into her mouth.

The same DEMON HANDS place LEECHES on Buffy's bare stomach.

Now the demon holds her mouth open - then SICKLY GREEN ectoplasmic light enters her mouth from the demons. After a few beats the COLOR of the light changes and the demon starts to suck the light back into himself...

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - MORNING (DAY)

Buffy wakes - sweaty and breathless. She sits up only to find that KATHY is sitting up in bed, looking at her - clearly annoyed.

KATHY
Do you always make that noise when
you sleep?

OFF BUFFY

Deeply shaken by her nightmare and irked by Kathy's callousness.

BLACK OUT.

END OF ACT ONE
Act Two

INT. COMMONS - DAY

Buffy sits with Giles, Willow and Oz in the bustling commons. Buffy's telling them about her dream.

BUFFY
So then, after the leeches, the demon
opens my mouth and sucks some kind
of weird light out of me. But the worst
part is - I wake up and there's Kathy,
just looking at me like I'm some kind
of freak.

OZ
Actually - worst part? I'd have to go
with the demon pouring blood down
your throat.

WILLOW
(grossed out)
Me too. I vote for that too.

BUFFY
But that was a dream and the Kathy
thing is real. All she cared about was
the fact that her precious sleep had
been disturbed-

GILES
(gently interrupting)
Perhaps it would be more... productive
to examine your dreams, try to determine
their meaning-

Which is just about the moment they all realize that KATHY is standing there. Only having overheard the last little bit.

KATHY
(to Giles)
You can read dreams? Neat.

Buffy doesn't even pretend to be happy to see her. Introduces her to Giles in a dead monotone.

BUFFY
Kathy. Giles. Giles. Kathy.

WILLOW
He's our grown-up friend. But not
in a creepy way.

GILES
Nice to meet you, Kathy

KATHY
Ditto.
(then)
Maybe you can read the dream I had
last night. There was like, this monster.
And he sat on me and did all this stuff
to me-

OZ
Stuff like leeches? And a Bloody
Mary minus the Mary?

KATHY
That's it. How did you know?

OZ
I'm a good guesser.

BUFFY
(bitchy sweet)
Me too. And I'm guessing you have
to be on your way to class - right, Kath?

KATHY
(ditto)
Sounds like somebody woke up on the
wrong side of the bed this morning.

BUFFY
And, guess what? You were next to it.

KATHY
You know - I do have to dash. My whole
schedule is off because someone kept
me up all night.
(then)
Well it's been fun - toodles.

BUFFY
(grrrrrr)
Toodles.

The others stare at Buffy for a beat, a little taken aback at the obvious hostility between her and Kathy. Then-

GILES
You know what this means?

BUFFY
Yeah. It wasn't enough for her to take
my sweater, now she has to horn in on
my dreams! She's the most ever mooch -
oh! And I haven't even gotten to the floss.

GILES
Buffy. Focus. Please.
(then)
If you and Kathy are having the same
nightmares, chances are good something
happened to you two the night you
encountered that demon in the woods.

WILLOW
So - we need to figure out if this ritual
they're dreaming about has some special
use or meaning.

Buffy stands, collects her stuff.

BUFFY
Cool. You guys do the brain thing.
I'll go to class.

OZ
Which could be construed as a brain thing.

BUFFY
Not when you're minoring in Napping 101.

And she bails. They all silently watch her go. Then-

WILLOW
Okay. That was the bad twin, right?
I mean, she was almost Cordelia-esque.

OZ
She's definitely pushing the stress
meter on this Kathy thing.

GILES
I concur that Buffy doesn't seem herself.
But learning to live with someone can be
a challenge.

WILLOW
And she hasn't been sleeping.

GILES
Right then. Nothing to be concerned
about. Still, do let me know if she...

OZ
Hits the red zone?

And they all look again toward the direction Buffy moved off in, worried.

EXT. DEMON CAVE - NIGHT

The demo who was outside Buffy's window (DEMON #1) enters a dark underground cave where a fire burns. He moves to the other demon (DEMON #2.)

DEMON ONE
(demon-speak)
Gol ek bennum. Mil eko dir
rach ulam.

DEMON TWO
(demon-speak)
Du'wach. Ga v'ruq venga mosh
dachla rach ulam, Taparrich.

 DEMON ONE
(subtitled)
We were correct.
She is the one.

DEMON TWO
(subtitled)
Good. I have prepared for the
summoning of the great one, Taparrich.

Now both the demons lowers their hoods, revealing their hideous visages. They move to the fire and begin chanting.

As they chant the fire RISES AND UNDULATES, AND WITHIN IT WE CAN SEE FORMS EMERGE. Tortured faces... Lost souls...

FADE TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Buffy is about to open the door when Mariah Carey's "Butterfly" issues from Kathy's boom box inside the room. Buffy grits her teeth and enters the room.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

But Buffy stops immediately upon entering. THERE'S Kathy, sitting all chummy on her bed with PARKER. They both seem to be digging the tunes.

PARKER
(not seeing Buffy)
...lots of popular artists who don't get
their due. Madonna, Whitney...

KATHY
It's so totally true -

BUFFY
Parker?

Now they see Buffy. Parker stands, moves to her.

PARKER
Hey. I just stopped by to say - that -
and bring you-

He thrusts a BOX OF ZIP LOCK BAGS into her hands, sweetly embarrassed at the lame excuse to come over.

PARKER (cont'd)
You know - to maximize your dining
hall exports. They're heavy duty.

Buffy, again, is totally won over.

BUFFY
Plus - freezer guard. That is so-

But then Kathy gets in their faces - ruins the moment.

KATHY
Parker was just going to leave his number
and go. But then we started talking and -
he is such a blast. The time just flew.

Buffy, uncomfortable and jealous despite herself, turns to Parker.

BUFFY
Time? Really? How much time?

PARKER
(innocently)
I'm not sure. We sort of got caught up.
Talking Redwings; turns out Kathy's
a closet hockey fan. I think it's the violence.

Kathy hits Parker playfully, giggling.

KATHY
Quit it. I told you that was just between us.

PARKER
(also laughing)
It could be the sweaty men...

Kathy laughs and hits him again. Buffy starts to put her stuff away.

BUFFY
If you guys are gonna rassle, you wanna
do it outside? I've got work to do.

Parker and Kathy stop. The tension rising palpably.

PARKER
Sorry. I didn't realize.

He starts for the door. Buffy softens, following him.

BUFFY
Look. I didn't mean to sound so-

PARKER
No. It's totally cool. I should go anyway.

BUFFY
It was great of you to come by.
And another time...

PARKER
Another time for sure.
(to Kathy)
Bye Kathy.

KATHY
Bye. See you.

And Parker takes off. Buffy closes the door after him, feeling horrible. What did she just do? But the moment of remorse is lost when she turns and sees Kathy glaring at her.

KATHY (cont'd)
It wouldn't have killed you to be nice,
you know.

BUFFY
Looked like you were being nice
enough for the both of us.

Fuming - Kathy moves to the open window, closes it.

KATHY
I wasn't moving in on your territory,
if that's what you mean.

Now Kathy straightens the floor rug where Buffy just kicked it and grabs her dental floss. Starts flossing like a mad woman. Buffy removes a PAD LOCK from her back pack and moves to her closet.

BUFFY
Right. Just like you didn't destroy
my cardigan.

With that Buffy affixes the lock to her closet door and closes it with a satisfying snap. Now Buffy kicks the rug back out of place as she moves to the window Kathy just closed and opens it again.

KATHY
I'm cold.

BUFFY
Well I'm hot. Deal with it.

Now Kathy stands - really boiling.

KATHY
You know what your problem is, Buffy?

BUFFY
You?

KATHY
Hardly. Your problem is - you're spoiled.
Maybe the world revolved around you
where you used to live but it's share
time now!

That's it. Buffy's completely over the edge.

BUFFY
Share time. It's share time? Fine. I'll
show you share time.

She moves to the refrigerator and grabs Kathy's milk - chug-a-lugs it angrily. She drinks and drinks until the milk starts to run down the sides of her mouth. What was just an everyday irrational moment now gets seriously strange...

EXT. CAMPUS WOODS - NIGHT

Oz accompanies Buffy while she patrols. She's in the middle of recounting her trials with Kathy.

BUFFY
So then she's like - "It's share time!"
And I'm like - "Oh yea? Share this!"

Buffy pretends to beat the crap out of an imaginary Kathy. Oz watches this display for a beat, then-

OZ
So, you either hit her - or you did your
wacky mime routine for her.

BUFFY
(deflating)
I didn't do either, actually. But she
deserved it, don't you think?

OZ
Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.

BUFFY
Kathy does. She should be locked in an
invisible box and blown away by an
imaginary wind and, and...

OZ
Forced to wear a binding unitard.

BUFFY
Yes! The itchy kind. Perfect.

OZ
Just here to help.

Now something occurs to Buffy.

BUFFY
Which I appreciate. But you've never
come out on routine patrol with me
before. What's the deal?

OZ
Seemed more interesting than homework.

BUFFY
As long as it's an elective. I can handle
myself alone, you know.

OZ
Not in question.

BUFFY
Good.
(back to Kathy stuff)
So then - I go to the refrigerator where
the label queen has -

OZ
Just one thing - do you think the ranting
may be scaring off potential demons?

Buffy takes this in. Her face falls.

BUFFY
You're right.

But now she's off and running again, full of new rage.

BUFFY (cont'd)
Argggh! She's even affecting my work
now! She's the Titanic! She's a crawling
black cancer!

Losing control - Buffy KICKS A BENCH ON THE SIDE OF THE PATH. It splinters, falls into pieces. Buffy barely notices this.

BUFFY (cont'd)
She's - she's - other really bad things!

OZ
On the plus side - you killed the bench.
Which was looking shifty.

BUFFY
This isn't funny, Oz. Something has
to be done.

And she stomps off. Oz watches her for a beat, perplexed.

OZ
Agreed.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

The two girls are at the "silent rage" stage now. Both in their PJ's - they sit on opposite ends of the room, casting sidelong glances in each other direction as:

KATHY - CLIPS HER TOENAILS

BUFFY - notices this, disgusted.

ECU KATHY - IN SLOW MOTION, her toenails fly from the clipper and spin in the air before making their descent to the floor.

BUFFY - irritated, starts to TAP HER PENCIL FURIOUSLY against her desk.

KATHY - reacts to the noise from the pencil - which to her sounds like GUN SHOTS pounding in her head.

ECU ON BUFFY AND THE PENCIL - IN SLOW MOTION, she taps it harder and harder.

KATHY - moves to her boom box and TURNS IT UP. CELINE DION BLARES.

BUFFY - hits the pencil so hard on her desk that it SNAPS. Infuriated now, she pulls a pair of EARMUFFS from a drawer in her desk and dons them, quieting the horrible din.

KATHY - moves to the refrigerator and takes out one of her labeled eggs. Then she ROLLS IT ON HER DESK, removing the shell.

BUFFY - watches in horror, anticipating the worst. Then -

ECU ON KATH AND EGG - IN SLOW MOTION, Kathy takes a big gross eggy bite -

BUFFY - whips her earmuffs off.

BUFFY
That's it. I'm going to sleep.

KATHY
(sweetly insincere)
Sweet dreams.

Buffy snaps her light off. Lies down.

INT. BUFFY'S DREAM STATE - NIGHT

Ancient symbols being drawn on Buffy's bare stomach in red liquid (blood?) by the same DEMON that tortured her in her first dream.

The demon holds her mouth open - and again, draws the GREEN ectoplasmic light from Buffy and into himself.

The LEECHES crawl over Buffy's bare body.

CLOSE ON BUFFY - terrified and powerless against this thing.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - MORNING (DAY)

Buffy wakes. Shaken and pissed off. This has got to stop. She sits up, full of resolve.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - DAY

Willow and Kathy are in the hall, where Kathy has obviously caught Willow and engaged her. Kathy's in the middle of a Buffy-focused rant.

KATHY
...I do what I can but Buffy's difficult.
She's secretive, for one thing. She comes
and goes at all hours of the night. She
leaves her gum all over the place-

WILLOW
(uncomfortable)
Sounds like things are rough. But -
don't you want to be talking to Buffy
about this?

KATHY
I would, but she's so touchy. About all
kinds of weird stuff. I mean, sometimes
I get the feeling she's not quiet... normal.
You know?

ANOTHER ANGLE

Buffy enters the hall. Sees Kathy and Willow talking. Eyes them suspiciously.

BACK ON WILLOW AND KATHY

WILLOW
(sweating now)
Well, normal is... relative, right?

Willow follows Kathy's gaze to BUFFY, who is coming toward them now.

KATHY
Later - okay?

Kathy takes off, moving quickly out of the hall. Buffy meets up with Willow.

BUFFY
Why were you talking to her?

WILLOW
Buffy, come on. We were just saying hi.

BUFFY
That's just what she wants you to think -

WILLOW
Buffy. This has to stop. I mean, I get it -
I have a sucky roomie too. But you
have to deal.

BUFFY
You're right. I've been thinking a lot
about it. It's clear to me now.

WILLOW
Good. That's better.

Buffy's eyes narrow coldly. Her tone is even, frighteningly calculating.

BUFFY
Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's
simple. I have to kill her.

BLACK OUT.

END OF ACT TWO
Act Three

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BUFFY'S ROOM - DAY

Willow, totally stunned by Buffy's resolve to kill Kathy, finally finds her voice.

WILLOW
Don't you think you could just... switch
rooms or something?

Now Buffy, talking fast, a tad on the manic side, digs one of the ZIP LOCK BAGS Parker gave her out of her pocket.

BUFFY
I would, but it's not just me in danger
from Kathy. Look.

CLOSE ON BAG

It's filled with KATHY'S TOENAILS.

WILLOW

is baffled and more than a little scared for her friend.

WILLOW
Toenails.

BUFFY
Evil toenails. I collected them off the
floor when she was in the bathroom
last night. She thought I was asleep.

WILLOW
Good thinking. 'Cause, in the middle
of the night, those toenails could have
attacked you and left little half moon
marks all over your body.

BUFFY
Don't be ridiculous. The point is - I
measured them before I feel asleep and
again this morning. And they grew,
after they were cut. A lot. That's a
demon thing. That's heavily creature-
from-elsewhere if you ask me. She
has to be eliminated.

WILLOW
(playing along now)
Of course. It all makes sense now.
But you'd better show those bad puppies
to Giles before you do anything. Just to
be sure.

BUFFY
Oh, absolutely. I don't want to do
anything crazy.

WILLOW
Good. You hurry on to Giles' - and I'll
hang in there and keep an eye on Kathy.

BUFFY
Great. Good. Thanks Will.

And Buffy takes off. Willow looks after her, her support expression dissolving into one of serious worry.

INT. GILES' APARTMENT - DAY

Buffy enters. The place seems empty, quiet.

BUFFY
Giles? Anybody? Hello, it's-

But before she can finish A NET DROPS OVER HER. She hits the ground and Oz, Xander and Giles descend on her. Giles and Oz hold her down while Xander lifts the net and quickly ties her hands behind her with a thick rope.

BUFFY (cont'd)
Guys! No! Listen to me!!

Now Buffy's hands are secured and Giles and Oz lift the net off Buffy. She looks and Xander. Her gaze deadly.

XANDER
Sorry Buffy, this hurts me more than
it hurts you.

BUFFY
Not yet - but it will.

XANDER
(hurt)
Don't say that.
(terrified)
Please don't say that...

GILES
We're only doing this to stop you from
making a terrible mistake, Buffy.
Clearly something's amiss-

BUFFY
Yeah, something's amiss: A Miss
Kathy Newman! Look! In my pocket!

Giles reaches gingerly into the jacket pocket she proffers, pulls out the baggie.

BUFFY (cont'd)
Giles. She has parts that keep growing
after they're detached. She irons her jeans!
She's evilllllll!

Giles calmly pockets the toenails, turns to Xander and Oz.

GILES
I fear this demon Buffy met in the woods
may have possessed her somehow.

BUFFY
(rabidly)
She has to be destroyed! Lite FM!
Love songs! Nothing but love songs!

XANDER
(to Giles)
You think?

GILES
You stay and watch her. I know a spell
which will make the possessing demon
reveal itself so we can fight it - but I
need supplies from the majik shop.
(as he goes)
Buffy, I... see you around.

Giles grabs his coat and heads for the door.

Xander and Oz then look to Buffy, who is still on the floor and looking at them rather menacingly.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - DAY

Kathy opens the door and is surprised to see Willow there.

WILLOW
Can I come in?

KATHY
Sure. Where's Buffy?

WILLOW
I don't know, exactly. But I've been
thinking - it might be a good idea for
you and Buffy to give each other some...
apart time. In fact, you might want to
be, uh, apart before she gets back.

KATHY
(displeased)
What do you mean? I should leave
the room? Why should I go?

WILLOW
It's not fair, I know, but-

Kathy cuts her off now - and it becomes clear as she speaks that she's starting to get almost as spooky as Buffy.

KATHY
(cutting her off)
You bet it's not fair. Having to live
with someone who's obviously troubled.
Someone who so clearly needs to be
in a home, not a dorm-

Willow is a little taken aback at Kathy's vehemence.

WILLOW
I don't know about that. Buffy's going
through something - yes. But-

KATHY
I wouldn't put it past her to drop out
or take off or something. Do something
horrible to herself.

WILLOW
Herself?

KATHY
Or worse. She's capable of it, you know.
You can see it in those shifty little eyes
of hers. One of these days she might
even push somebody too far...

Willow is unnerved enough by Kathy's creepy talk that she actually JUMPS when the phone rings. Kathy answers - then hands it to Willow.

KATHY (cont'd)
It's Oz.

WILLOW
(into phone)
You did... She's at Giles'? Okay.

Willow hangs up. Starts to nervously back toward the door.

WILLOW (cont'd)
You know... during that... very short
phone call? I realized - you are so right.
It's not right to make you leave your
own room. So, you're good. You just
stay right here, kay?

And she bails, leaving Kathy looking perplexed.

INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT

Buffy is freaking out now, trying to break her restraints. Xander and Oz sit a good distance away from her, watching her.

BUFFY
I can not believe this! After all we've
been through together, you won't listen
when I tell you that Kathy is bad!

XANDER
We want to, Buff. It's just-

OZ
(interrupting him)
Don't engage. I'm pretty sure the next
part is about fava beans and nice Chianti.

BUFFY
I heard you!

Now Buffy SCREAMS as she pulls against the rope that binds her hands. Xander and Oz watch her anxiously.

XANDER
I don't know if I tightened those
ropes enough.

OZ
Then we'd better go over there and
check them.

Xander laughs, hard. Looks at Oz - who is stone-faced.

XANDER
(it sinks in)
Oh dear God.

And they creep toward Buffy, who watches them like a predatory cat.

XANDER (cont'd)
(re: Buffy)
Avoid the legs, avoid the legs...

Avoiding Buffy's legs, Xander moves to one side of her, while Oz moves to the other. They lean in to check the ropes - and she SMASHES THEIR HEADS TOGETHER, KNOCKING THEM BOTH OUT COLD.

BUFFY
Nope. Not tight enough.

And she makes for the door.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Kathy reads in peace and quiet until the door behind her opens to reveal BUFFY, who stands there looking fairly psycho.

BUFFY
Kathy.

Surprised, Kathy turns and stands when she sees Buffy.

KATHY
Buffy...

Now Buffy advances on Kathy, her murderous intent clear.

BUFFY
I think we need to "talk" - don't you?

Kathy doesn't back down one bit. She's ready to rumble.

KATHY
Absolutely. Let's "talk."

Buffy, as she moves closer, KICKS THE RUG out of place. It's clear she did it on purpose.

BUFFY
(provoking)
Oopy. Look what I did.

That's it. Kathy SLAPS Buffy in the kisser. Hard.

KATHY
Look what I did.

A beat - then they LAUNCH at each other. Kathy's dishing out typical (but effective) girl fight tactics - pulling Buffy's hair and such. Trying to get Kathy off her, Buffy GRABS AT KATHY'S FACE, trying to scratch her.

Instead, KATHY'S HUMAN FACE COMES OFF IN HER HANDS, revealing that Kathy looks EXACTLY LIKE THE DEMONS IN THE WOODS. A quick beat as Buffy reacts to Kathy's terrible demonic visage... But instead of screaming, she bellows -

BUFFY
I KNEW IT!!

After which point Buffy gets SLAMMED OUT OF FRAME BY A MIGHTY DEMONIC FORCE.

BLACK OUT.

END OF ACT THREE
Act Four

EXT. DEMON CAVE - NIGHT

The demons who we saw begin the summoning ritual finish their chanting and extinguish the fire. A beat. Then the ground undulates and AN ENORMOUS, CLOAKED DEMON RISES. He's somewhat like Kathy and the other two - except he's easily THREE TIMES THEIR SIZE and the quick looks we get at the flesh beneath the cloak hint at a monster even more horrible than his fellows.

A beat as "The Great One," TAPARRICH, gets his bearings - then launches into the air and heads with furious speed toward the campus dorms, his cloak rippling and snapping behind him.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Demon Kathy, having overpowered Buffy, is now sitting on Buffy's chest and trying to get her to stop struggling.

KATHY
Quit it!

Which only enrages Buffy more. She spits-

BUFFY
I knew you were one of them. One of
those demon things.

KATHY
I'm not. Those guys are after me-

BUFFY
Funny. I'm seeing the skin, the eyes...

KATHY
So, I'm from the same dimension. But
I'm not like them. They're disgusting-

BUFFY
What - they don't live by the Kathy "system?"

KATHY
You know - why don't you just stuff it
and let me finish my ritual-

BUFFY
Ritual?

KATHY
(duh)
Your nightmares.

BUFFY
(gets it)
Were real.

KATHY
(exasperated)
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I left my
dimension to go to college and they
sent these guys after me. They don't
know what shape I took as a human,
but they can always sense a creature
without a soul, which I don't have.
So I'm borrowing yours...

BUFFY
Without even asking!

KATHY
Tonight when they come looking for
me - they'll take you.

BUFFY
Thank God. I won't have to watch
you floss anymore.

KATHY
(fuming)
And I won't have to live with a slob-

With that, Kathy tries to PRY BUFFY'S MOUTH OPEN to finish the ritual. But Buffy CLAMPS her teeth down and gives Kathy a good chomp. Kathy howls and falls off her. And Buffy and Kathy go at it. A MAJOR fighty-fite. Not only are they pretty evenly matched in strength - they are equally matched in roomie feud malice.

Buffy gets in a few good blows, but then Kathy raises her hands and sends her flying with that HEAVY-DUTY DEMONIC FORCE. Buffy slams into the closet door she padlocked - and it collapses around her.

KATHY (cont'd)
(singsong)
It's share time, Buffy.

Now Kathy grabs Buffy by the legs and starts pulling Buffy out of the closet. Then Kathy straddles Buffy to complete the ritual - but Buffy catches Kathy around the neck with the same SWEATER KATHY BORROWED and starts CHOKING HER WITH IT.

BUFFY
Fine. Let's start with my sweater!

Kathy, surprised, struggles for a beat before RIPPING the sweater in half and grabbing Buffy's arms. Then she FLIPS BUFFY OVER HER, slamming Buffy to the ground and stunning her.

INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT

Oz and Xander just coming-to from their Buffy blows. Xander notices the rope he tied Buffy with cast aside on the floor.

XANDER
Why couldn't Giles have shackles like
any self respecting bachelor?

Willow enters - starts talking.

WILLOW
You guys, I just saw Kathy and she's
acting really -

But Will stops when she sees them.

WILLOW (cont'd)
Oh my God. Are you okay?

OZ
Yeah. But Buffy's got a pretty good
lead on us.

WILLOW
I'll call Kathy - tell her to get out of there.

Will races to the phone, dials. Waits for an answer...

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT)

Kathy is slamming the phone, which she has ripped from the wall repeatedly down on Buffy and screaming-

KATHY
All you had to do was write-
(slam)
down!
(slam)
-your!
(slam)
--calls!!

INT. GILES' APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT)

Will hangs up the phone - freaking.

WILLOW
No answer.

XANDER
Let's go.

Oz and Xander painfully mobilize and head toward the door with Willow - when Giles enters with the zip lock baggie held aloft.

GILES
Toenails!

The other's react to the proclamation, puzzled.

GILES (cont'd)
(re: their looks)
I know. But Buffy was right. Not only
do Kathy's toenails keep growing when
they're cut, they regenerate if they're
destroyed-

WILLOW
And that's a demon thing?

GILES
Unequivocally. So I-
(noticing something)
Where is Buffy?

Xander holds up the broken rope rather sheepishly.

GILES (cont'd)
Oh dear. We have even less time than
I feared. I looked up all the known
regenerating demons and only one
species practices the ritual Buffy's
been seeing in her sleep. It's used
to steal the souls from human bodies -

XANDER
You're saying Buffy's been doing a
Linda Blair on us because Kathy's
been sucking her soul?

GILES
That's what I believe. Yes.

WILLOW
(stunned)
So Buffy was right all along. Later on,
big remorse.

GILES
Now. I found a spell that should reverse
the should transfer procedure instantly -
which Willow and I will perform immediately.

OZ
Leaving Xander and me to go help
Buffy in the flesh.

Giles starts to light candles and begins an INCANATION as Xander and Oz take off.

GILES
Hear me, elders of the upper reaches.
Elders of the lower reaches.
Elders of the dry land.
Elders of the river flats!

EXT. CAMPUS WOODS - NIGHT

The great demon, TAPARRICH, speeds ever closer to the dorm.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Buff and Kathy are still going at it something fierce. Buffy manages to escape Kathy's grasp but falls on Kathy's desk - sending her neatly sharpened pencils to the floor. Buffy seizes the opportunity and STOMPS on them, crushing them.

BUFFY
(triumphantly)
AH HA!!

Kathy lunges for Buffy, but before she can get to her Buffy yanks a support from under one of Kathy's shelves and sends the heavy contents - including Kathy's BOOM BOX - crashing down on her. Kathy stands up and RAMS Buffy into the door of the room.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Kathy and Buffy's door gets hit from the inside. Nearly BUCKLES. A beat later a FRESHMAN sticks his head out of his dorm room. Yells-

FRESHMAN GUY
Do you mind? People are trying to study!

And he slams his door shut.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Kathy now CHARGES BUFFY as she BELLOWS WITH RAGE. She sweeps Buffy up and DRIVES HER THROUGH THE WINDOW BUFFY OPENED AGAINST KATHY'S WISHES. She keeps a tight grip on Buffy - not letting her fall all the way out of the window.

INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT

Giles and Willow are drawing symbols and burning sage and racing through the ritual incantations as fast as possible...

GILES
Ancients I beseech you! The soul
abstracted - let it revert to its true seat -

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Kathy now YANKS Buffy through the shattered window. Sneering, she pulls Buffy close - so they are face to face.

KATHY
Window's open. Happy?

INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT

Speed-talking now, Giles finishes the spell.

GILES
...let the unnatural vessel be emptied.
Let the essence be return to its original host!

Willow blows a candle out and Giles slams his books shut. They look at each other anxiously.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Buffy and Kathy are rolling on the floor. Kathy manages to get on top of Buffy and PIN HER. She grips Buffy's mouth and starts to open it when Buffy suddenly STIFFENS, something moving through her. Kathy's eyes widen in horror. She senses what's coming.

Now the soul sucking spell reverses without warning. Both Kathy and Buffy appear unable to fight the transfer as they open their mouths and Buffy draws that creepy ectoplasmic light out of Kathy... This goes on for a few stunning beats. Then stops as abruptly as it began. Buffy rolls off Kathy. They both appear pretty blown away.

KATHY
How did you-

But Kathy doesn't get a chance to finish her thought before -

WHOOSH!

The demon Taparrich MATERIALIZES THROUGH THE DOOR WITH AN ENORMOUS BURST OF ENERGY. Buffy and Kathy react with appropriate terror - and Kathy turns her demon-y face to the floor so Taparrich can't see it.

CLOSE ON TAPARRICH

An agonizing moment as he looks long and hard at BUFFY AND KATHY. Finally, he addresses Kathy in unintelligible demon-speak, his tone fierce.

 TAPARRICH
(demon-speak)
Teeka a-gol. U'ku a-gol mach'taga voka mil?

 TAPARRICH
(subtitled)
There you are. Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in young lady?

Kathy, defeated, replies in her own whiny version of the unintelligible demon-speak.

 KATHY
(demon-speak)
Ga nu lach'var!

 KATHY
(subtitled)
I'm not going back!

 TAPARRICH
(demon-speak)
U'ku nu kal'bich t'goli

 TAPARRICH
(subtitled)
Don't take that tone with me.

 KATHY
(demon-speak)
Ga treps'mech kan! Epok or'ahah a- gol nu vach-non penul'mech?

 KATHY
(subtitled)
I'm 3000 years old! When are you going to stop treating me like I'm 900??!

 TAPARRICH
(demon-speak)
Oova a-gol mach'ruga'te. Ga nu voca kla'tu ve'rada nich'to a-gol dachla-mil.

 TAPARRICH
(subtitled)
When you stop acting that way. I can't tell you how much you've upset your mother.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Xander and Oz arrive. Xander presses his ear to the door.

XANDER
I only hear talking. Maybe we got
here in time.

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Where Taparrich and Kathy continue bickering.

 KATHY
(demon-speak)
A-gol nu be-v'nook kachla!

 KATHY
(subtitled)
You never let me do anything!!

She'd continue but now Xander and Oz burst in - ready to make with the rescue. But they stop short, stunned to see bit, bad Taparrich - who turns and ROARS at them. A hair-blowing-back kind of roar. Then he turns back to Kathy.

 TAPARRICH
(demon-speak)
T'nok! A-gol ku vach-t'gach boloch.

 TAPARRICH
(subtitled)
Enough. You're coming home.

Now he waves a hand, opening a SWIRLING COSMIC VORTEX in the center of the room. Buffy, Oz and Xander scramble to hold onto something, finding purchase against the GALE WIND caused by the open portal.

Kathy screams, crawling way from the vortex but unable to escape its pull. It quickly claims her. Then Taparrich dives into the vortex after her.

And the vortex CLOSES AND VANISHES as suddenly as it appeared.

ON BUFFY, XANDER AND OZ.

Who all take in what just happened for a stunned beat.

FADE TO:

INT. BUFFY'S DORM ROOM - DAY

Willow is moving in. There are a bunch of boxes around and Willow is standing on a chair, putting up a DINGOES CONCERT POSTER where the Celine poster used to be.

WILLOW
How's that?

BUFFY
A little to the left... There.

Willow tacks the poster up and then steps off the chair. Stands back to check it. Buffy stands by her, half a sandwich in her hand.

BUFFY (cont'd)
Perfect.
(then)
I'm so glad you're here, Will. I can
feel all that bad Kathy karma just
draining away.

WILLOW
About that... The Kathy thing? I'm
sorry I doubted you.

Buffy puts her sandwich on Will's side table, helps move something.

BUFFY
You're completely forgiven. I mean,
you had reason to doubt. Except for
the soul sucking stuff - I bet Kathy
was sort of regular as far as roomies go.

WILLOW
That's a pretty big "except."

BUFFY
I guess. I'm just glad to know that it
was Kathy's demon-y ways making
me no-fun-Buffy. 'Cause I've always
thought I was pretty easy going-

Now Willow moves to one of her boxes and continues unpacking.

BUFFY (cont'd)
It's not like I have the big issues.
You know, incense burning or-

But Buffy stops as Will grabs Buffy's sandwich --

WILLOW
You gonna finish this?

--takes a big bite.

ECU: SLOW MO

On Willow biting into the sandwich -- as Buffy reacts the exact same way she did to Kathy's annoying habits...

BLACK OUT.

END OF SHOW