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Homecoming (September 11, 1998) Written by: David Greenwalt |
| Teaser |
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INT. BRONZE - NIGHT CLOSE ON BUFFY - Staring off, a little distracted.
I think we should get a limo.
A limo? A big, expensive limo?
That sounds like fun. WIDER - Buffy hangs with Oz, Willow, Cordelia, Xander, Scott.
And it is our last Homecoming dance, maybe we should make a big deal.
You want to talk fun? Public bus. You meet the fun-est people! Back me up here, Oz.
Well, if it's a dollar issue, we could all take my van...
Van? The Homecoming Queen does not come to the dance in a van. Use your head.
Well, technically you haven't been elected yet... (off the deadly laser that is her look) ...although you certainly and without doubt will. (to the others) Who else likes a limo?
A private limo... (links her arm through Oz's) ...it is pretty...cuddlesome. (to Buffy) If we all split the cost...
Maybe, you know, if I go and all...
Why wouldn't you? You bought your tickets already. I mean unless you didn't have a da -- (almost says date) -- ay or two to think it over. We should all think it over.
What's going on? Scott hasn't asked her to the Homecoming dance yet? They all look at Scott.
Thank you, Cordelia. The humiliation's so good for my color.
Oh... (to Buffy) No, I just... I sort of assumed you'd think that was corny. But I'm in... you know, I mean if you want to.
I do. If you do.
I do. If you do. Buffy starts to speak again, Oz jumps in.
The judges will accept that as a yes.
(to take attention off herself) So, Cordy, what's your strategy for winning the election? Is it safe to say bribes are involved?
Bribes are only a part of it. A year ago I would have had this thing sewn. But the public's fickle. There's competition now, not to mention my liabilities. (glances at Xander)
Are you saying that dating me is some kind of hindrance to you bagging Homecoming Queen?
Oh, sweetie... it's okay, I can overcome it, I'm that good.
Well, all right then. Scott leans in to Buffy.
You want another drink?
You know what? I'm a little tired. Think I'll call it a night. I'm excited about the Homecoming dance. He smiles. She leans in, gives him a pretty nice kiss.
See you tomorrow. EXT. MANSION - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING - (STOCK) INT. MANSION - NIGHT Fire in fireplace; Angel, in pants, shirt open, edgy and restless, paces. He HEARS A SOUND at the French doors. Moves towards them ready to attack, rips the door open, scaring:
It's me! Edgy moment, he backs off, she enters, hands him a bag that says "Mel's Butcher Shop" on the side. He turns away, pulls a quart container of blood out of the bag. He holds it to his nose, scents it, then, aware of Buffy, sets it on a table.
How are you feeling?
It hurts... less.
I haven't told Giles or the others you're back...
(remembering) Giles...
I'm not going to, they wouldn't understand that you're... Angel picks up the blood, sets it down again, agitated.
... better. And I'm going to help you keep getting better but... everything's different now, Angel. I'm working harder at school. I'm a Senior now, thinking about college -- also I have a boyfriend. Angel suddenly moves to her. She doesn't know what he's going to do. He reaches for her -- very close, she can smell his bare skin -- he fixes the (twisted) collar on her jacket or blouse -- turns away again.
His name is Scott. He's a good, solid guy. He makes me happy. And that's what I need. Someone I can count on. SMASH CUT TO: EXT. SCHOOL - ENGLISH BUILDING - DAY Buffy and Scott stand by the English building.
I don't think we should see each other anymore. Buffy stares at him, a lost puppy.
You don't? But... when did this happen? Where was I?
I like you, I'm just not sure where we're going...
Okay, it's too soon to know where we're going... but isn't it too soon to not go at all?
Buffy, it's just...before we were going out you seemed so full of life, like a force of nature. Now you seem kind of distracted all the time and --
-- no, I know I do that, because my life is so... but I'm getting better and you're going to be seeing a drastic distraction reduction from here on out... (nothing from Scott) "Drastic reduction reduction", try saying that ten times fast.
I'm really sorry. He goes. Buffy stands there totally stunned. WE PULL BACK from her, making her a tiny figure, alone in the world. A REALLY LONG LENS SHOT - BINOC MATT - DAY Of Buffy standing there. EXT. STREET - OUTSIDE SCHOOL - DAY PUSH IN ON A VAN with blacked out windows. INT. VAN - DAY A huge, high tech pair of binocs fills the frame. Two burly hands lower the binocs, revealing FREDERICK, athletic, Aryan killer. He looks to his right. CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL his twin brother HANS next to him: two focused, methodical, bug-fuck peas in a pod. Frederick wears an earwig. The van's full of high tech surveillance equipment, etc. Hans plugs a wire into the binocs as Frederick raises them to his eyes again. CAMERA FOLLOWS the wire to a cellular modem hook-up. CAMERA PUSHES IN ON MODEM. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - DAY MATCH CUT TO A SIMILAR MODEM, follow the wire to a high tech computer monitor. Dark and gloomy in here. Wood, tapestries, wealth. A sullen, craggy figure sits hunched in a wheelchair before a high tech computer monitor. On the monitor we see the binoc-matted shot of Buffy looking lost and alone. The OLD MAN types, the shot of Buffy enlarges.
Is that her? Mr. Trick walks into frame.
In the nubile flesh, my friend. PUSHING IN on Buffy's image --
That's the target. BLACK OUT
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| Act One |
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EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - ESTABLISHING (STOCK) INT. SCHOOL LOUNGE - DAY CORDELIA smiles into camera. FLASH! FREEZE FRAME, then: XANDER sits -- big dorky smile. FLASH! WILLOW smiles shyly -- then looks worried, nothing happening -- and FLASH! OZ -- no expression. FLASH! A PHOTOGRAPHER is taking class pictures, kids lined up near a stand with various types and sample sizes of school pics. Xander and Willow walk across the room as Oz is still being photographed.
You have to help me pick an outfit. I want to wear something that'll make Oz go "ooh".
No problem. I got the tux goin' on. I'm gonna look hot if it even remotely fits. They approach Cordy, who is eyeing someone.
Whatchya doin'?
Checking out the I laughingly use the phrase competition. She indicates two PRETTY GIRLS, HOLLY and MICHELLE, talking to groups of students nearby.
Holy Charleston, nice girl, brain- dead, doesn't have a prayer. And Michelle Blake, open to all mankind, especially if they have a letterman's jacket and a car -- she could give me a run. Oz joins them.
Where's Buffy? She's going to miss the yearbook pictures.
She and Faith are in the library, getting sweaty.
They're training.
I stand by my phrase.
I don't think she was here the day they announced 'em. Did anybody tell her?
I'll tell her now. I've gotta go by the Nurse's office and get an ice pack.
Did you hurt yourself?
No silly... (pats her face) ...shrinks the pores. INT. LIBRARY - DAY BUFFY punches right at CAMERA! She and Faith spar, hard. A last solid hit from Buffy and they stop, breathing hard and sweating.
Man. Guys should break up with you more often.
Gee. Thanks.
I mean it. You got some quality rage going. Really gives you an edge.
Lucky me. Edge girl. They drink Gatorade and towel off, sitting as they talk, Buffy stretching out a bit.
Well, screw him. You move on, you party -- heavily -- you'll be fine. You're still going to that dance, right?
I don't know...
You got the tix already... Why don't we go together?
(considering it) Well, maybe...
Come on, we'll find a couple a studs, use 'em and discard 'em like old hankies. That's always fun.
Okay. I'm in. Not the stud-using part -- or, probably not... INT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY Cor moves up, looks through the little round windows into the library, sees Buffy and Faith. She's about to enter when TWO GUYS move past behind her.
Bobby, Mashad, you don't phone, you don't write... (head off after them) ... I miss you guys, seriously... EXT. SUNNYDALE CITY HALL - DAY - (STOCK) American flag flies in front of the quaint tower of power. INT. OUTSIDE MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY Deputy Mayor ALLAN FINCH stands nervously outside the office, waiting. He holds a manila file folder under one arm. A SECRETARY types impassively next to him. CLOSE ON ALLAN He jumps slightly as the secretary's buzzer goes off.
The Mayor will see you now. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY Finch opens the doors and enters, stopping as the mayor passes before him, wiping his hands (which are all we see of him in frame) on a paper towel. Allan's eyes follow the mayor to his desk.
I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
I'm not bothered, Allan.
(crossing to the desk) Well, I'm not sure how serious this is, sir. But they were spotted in town three days ago. I've just been informed. He places a photo on the mayor's desk. The two twins who were spying on Buffy.
Frederick and Hans Gruenshtahler. Wanted in Germany for capital murder, terrorism, the bombing of flight 1402... As Allan talks, the mayor takes the picture and we get our first good look at his face. It couldn't be more unassuming. One feels this man has not raised his voice in years, and although he is mild enough in demeanor, one hopes he won't. He looks carefully at the picture and as Allan continues to talk, he rather pensively SNIFFS it.
I should have brought it to your attention sooner, but I wanted to confirm... He stops, unnerved by the sniffing.
Would you show me your hands, please?
Sir?
Your hands. He indicates the desk top. Slowly, Allan puts his hand down flat on the desk. He is clearly terrified now. The mayor looks at them, his own hand mere inches from a sharp looking letter opener. After a beat of scrutiny, he looks up at Allan.
I think they could be cleaner.
Of course, sir, I mean I washed them, but --
After every meal, and under the fingernails. Dirt gets trapped there. And germs. And mayonnaise.
Yes, sir.
My dear mother said that cleanliness was next to godliness and I believed her. She never caught a cold. (closing the folder) I'd like these two to be put under surveillance. And I'd like to know if any other colorful characters have come to town.
I'll take care of it.
You have all my faith. A moment, and the deputy mayor turns and goes, visibly sweating. INT. WILLOW'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Willow, in a slip, has a slew of clothes laid out on the bed. She picks up a sweater (or blouse, Cynthia), holds it in front of her, leans around a standing screen that separates her from Xander, in tux pants, white shirt, trying to tie a bow tie.
What do you think of this?
Nice. Willow nods, drops it on the bed, picks up something else.
It's my first big dance, you know, where there's a boy and a band and not just me alone in my room pretending there's a boy and a band, so I want it to be...
...special. Which is why I spared no expense on the tux.
I thought you borrowed it from your cousin Rigby.
Expense to my pride, Will. They're our only relations with money and they shun us, as they should. Willow leans around the screen again.
What do you think of this?
Nice. Willow nods, fixes Xander's bow tie for him. She looks at him.
What?
I was just... remember the eighth grade cotillion? You had that clip-on...
I was stylin' with the clip-on.
And now here we are, it's Homecoming.
Face it, Will. You and I are gonna be in neighboring rest homes, and I'm gonna be stopping by to have you adjust my... my... I can't think of anything that's not really gross. Willow smiles, finishes the tie, goes back to the bed where she will be putting on a dress (we won't see much of) as:
So, uh, you and Oz, how can I put this... are we on first, second or, ye gods?
That is none of your business, Alexander Harris.
(impressed) Oh, rounding second.
You don't know that, what about you and Cordelia? Xander slips on his tux coat.
A gentleman never talks about his conquests.
Since when did you become a -- Willow steps around the screen in a stunning dress. Looks at Xander in full tux: James Bond meets God.
-- gentleman. He just stares at her for a long moment. She looks down at her own outfit.
I know. "Nice".
(sincerely) I was gonna go with "gorgeous".
Really? (he nods) You, too. In a guy way.
Oz is very lucky.
So is Cordelia -- in a girl way. Beat. They don't quite know what to say.
I don't know if I can dance in this. (thinks) I don't know if I can dance...
Come on, piece of cake. Here. He takes her in his arms. They dance a little, getting closer, looking at one another.
That seems to...
Yeah, it shouldn't be a... (they get even closer) ...problem.
No... no problem... And now they're very close; and then, gently, they're kissing. Then a little more than gently. Then they both pull back at the same instant.
That didn't just happen.
No. I mean it did but it didn't.
Because I respect you -- and Oz -- and I would never --
I wouldn't ever, either. It's the clothes. It's a fluke.
It's a clothes fluke, and that's what it is and there'll be no more fluking.
Not ever. Beat. They look like they might kiss again, then --
We got to get out of these clothes.
Right now!
Oh, I didn't mean --
Me, either! They run for opposite sides of the screen. EXT. SCHOOL - FOUNTAIN QUAD - DAY Buffy moves between classes. Sees a kindly looking TEACHER.
Ms. Moran, I'm so glad I ran into you. I had a little incident last year of... getting kicked out of school. I'm back, I've done all my make-ups but I still need one written recommendation from a teacher -- I think the word Principal Snyder used was "glowing" -- for my file, to show I belong here.
And you are...?
Buffy. Buffy Summers, second row, third from the front in your class... (Moran shrugs) ..."Contemporary American Heroes: From Amelia Earhart to Maya Angelou", the class that changed my life?
Were you absent a lot, uh...?
Buffy. Off Buffy. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY A FLYER - is thrust at CAMERA. Cordelia's pic, her million dollar smile and the words "You Get More With Cor" emblazoned across it. PAN TO CORDELIA - handing out flyers
Hi. I hope you'll consider me for Homecoming Queen... ANGLE - A TABLE Oz, Willow, Xander and Buffy lunch. Xander and Willow are consumed with silent guilt. Buffy's a little down.
I can't believe it. My favorite teacher and she didn't remember me. I'm like a non-person. Am I turning invisible? (to Oz) Can you see me?
Big as life.
At Hemery I was Prom Queen, Fiesta Queen, I was on the cheerleading squad -- the yearbook was, like, a story of me. Now it's senior year and I'm going to be one crappy picture on one eighth of one crappy page.
Uh, no, actually, you're not.
What do you mean?
Well, you missed the picture taking.
When? Why?
We did 'em yesterday.
Didn't Cordelia tell you? Off Buffy. CORDELIA HANDS OUT FLYER -- BUFFY STEPS IN FRONT OF HER
Buffy, you look so adorable in that --
I'm not voting for you.
Then make it snappy.
Why didn't you tell me they were doing the yearbook pictures?
Didn't I? Guess I forgot. What's the big?
The big is that it's the yearbook! It's the book about...the year!
Yeah, hence the name.
You just could have thought about someone else for thirty seconds, that's all.
Hey, I'm under a lot of pressure here.
Oh, yeah, Homecoming campaign. Rough gig.
What would you know about it? Just because you were Guacamole Queen when you were three doesn't mean you understand how this works.
Yeah, apparently it involves handing out these entirely lame flyers.
No, it involves being a part of the school and having actual friends. Now if it was about monsters and blood and innards, you'd be a shoo in. It's safe to say she's gone too far. She sees it, too, but can't back down. She starts past a glaring Buffy, muttering:
Like to see you try to win the crown. Buffy watches her start to leave.
Oh, you would? Cordy turns back.
Then you will.
What do you mean?
I'll show you how it's done. I'll go for Homecoming Queen and I'll win.
This is starting to be sad.
Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea who you're messing with.
What, the Slayer?
I'm not talking about the Slayer. I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the Prom Queen within, Cordy. And that crown is gonna be mine. They stare at each other.
Competition. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT
Competition is a beautiful thing. Makes us strive. Makes us accomplish. Occasionally makes us kill. Mr. Trick lectures the assembled killers. They include Frederick and Hans (with AR-15 semi-automatic rifles, laser sight, grenade); the old man at his computer terminal; FRAWLEY, a leathery big game hunter; KULAK, a demon, yellow skin, yellow eyes, dinosaur spines across his bald head; Texas vampire LYLE GORCH and his bride CANDY, pink barrette in her hair.
We all feel the desire to win, whether we're human... (indicates the humans) ...vampire... (indicates the Gorches) ...or... (Kulak) ...whatever the hell you are, my brother, got them spiny looking head things, I never seen that.
I am Kulak, of the Miquot clan.
Isn't that nice. Point is, you're all here for one reason.
Well, it wasn't for no philosophy class.
Mr. Gorch. My account statement shows your deposit has yet to be made. Gorch dumps a sack of money -- stacks of bloody hundreds -- on the table.
Me and Candy blowing our whole honeymoon stash on this little game.
They're dirty.
They're non-consecutive. Trick considers, then shrugs.
In a few days time, the game will commence. You will all have the opportunity to bring down not one but two of the toughest prize bucks this world has to offer. The first target, Buffy, you've all seen. The second, Faith, is a little more elusive, but both targets will be together and ready for the killing and that's a money-back guarantee. Ladies, Gentlemen, and spiny-headed lookin' creatures... welcome to SlayerFest. Ninety eight. BLACK OUT
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| Act Two |
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EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - ESTABLISHING (STOCK)
A campaign is like a war... INT. SCHOOL - LIBRARY - DAY Buffy, with sketches, time tables, a white board and a pointer (listing the other candidates, their strengths and weaknesses), presents battle plans to Willow and Xander (looking guilty) and Oz. She is excited and in her element. Giles watches in b.g.
...it's won or lost in the trenches. Holly, Michelle... (hits board with pointer on each name) ...and our real competition, Cordelia, all have a big head start -- speaking of Cordelia's head, if I had a watermelon that big, I'd be rich! Nothing from Xander, Will and Oz.
-- waits for laugh...right, don't rag on the competition, makes me look petty. Anyway, I've done this before, it's just like any other popularity contest -- the only difference being that this time I'm not actually popular. But I'm not unpopular, exactly. I mean, a lot of people came to my welcome home party.
But they were killed by zombies.
Good point. Will, I want you to set up a database, who's for us, who's on the fence, crisis areas. Oz, you take the fringe, musicians, not inclined to vote, could be an important swing. Xander -- Cordelia enters. An awkward beat.
Hi Cordelia. I know this is kinda awkward but I don't see why we can't all get along during the campaign. We're all buds, we're all going to the dance together in the limo.
Great. (to Willow) How's the database coming? You thought Willow looked guilty before?
Uh... it's... just about done.
Xander?
I've got your new flyers...
Let's get cracking. Xander, Willow, and Oz move to Cordelia's side of the room.
(to Buffy) She's my girlfriend.
(to Buffy) It's just... she needs it so much more than you do.
As Willow goes so goes my nation.
Thanks for what you said, Buffy. I think we're getting along good, don't you? She turns and goes. The rest follow like guilty dogs. Buffy picks up her Snapple (or similar glass bottled drink) and sips as Giles moves up.
Seems an awful lot of fuss for a little title.
Giles, it's no fun if you don't try your best.
As long as fun is still in the mix...
Sure. It's not like anyone takes it that seriously. INSERT: BUFFY'S HAND As it actually crushes the Snapple bottle. Buffy smiles guilelessly at Giles. (While Miles files piles of tiles.)(I'm very sorry.) MONTAGE: MUSIC UP EXT. SCHOOL - FOUNTAIN QUAD - DAY Buffy chats (M.O.S) with a group of STUDENTS. Laughing, charming, touching a guy on the arm. WE STEADI CAM PAST HER and discover Cordelia doing the same thing down stream. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - DAY Frawley checks the action on his 30 aught 6. PAN TO Frederick and Hans, doing bare-chested knuckle push-ups on the floor. PAN TO Gorch and Candy, necking. INT. SCHOOL - LOUNGE - DAY Homecoming Queen posters on the board, including HOLLY CHARLESTON'S and MICHELLE BLAKE'S. PANNING ACROSS Cordelia's poster we find Buffy pinning up one of her own. Unlike the others, it's hip, Dutch-angled and M.T.V. colored. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT Frederick and Hans fight hand to hand; PAN TO the old man at his computer running map grids of the city; PAN TO Kulak. He takes a deep breath and cocks his arms, wrist to shoulder. He straightens them and two (CGI) blades come out of his forearms, fly into his hands. HE HURLS ONE OF HIS BLADES. A TARGET NEXT TO GORCH AND CANDY NECKING, SHATTERS!
Hey, Swiss Army Knife - wanna reign it in a little?
Sugar, everyone else's got weapons and plans, shouldn't we be...?
Don't worry, I got a plan. You forget, I'm the only one in this game actually knows the Slayer, what she'll do.
You are just a big, strong, manly cowboy and I love you.
Gimme that sugar. They neck. Pan to Frawley setting in a mannequin leg in one of his bear traps -- it snaps the leg in two. EXT. SCHOOL - FOUNTAIN QUAD - DAY Buffy drops a bunch of flyers, wearily stoops to pick them up. Scott is passing, bends down to help.
Here.
(awkwardly) Oh. Thanks.
(looking at flyer) I heard you were doing this.
It's just something to fill the time, it's kind of silly, really.
I don't think so. For what it's worth, you've got my vote.
I really don't want to -- (stops herself) Thank you. He nods a little self-consciously, moves off. She drops the sad girl act, whips out a LIST - checks off Scott Hope. EXT. SCHOOL - DAY Holly walks to a kid, gives him a cookie. As his hand is about to take it, Buffy puts a cupcake in it. EXT. SCHOOL - DAY Two other kids eat Buffy's cupcakes, their mouths chocolaty. Cordelia walks up, gives them each a small dessert basket. INT. SCHOOL - DAY Holly puts her poster up. CUT: Michelle takes it down, puts up her own poster. CUT: Cordelia takes it down, puts up her poster. CUT: The words "Get More With Cor" on Cor's poster as Buffy tags them: "Get Bored With Cor". EXT. SCHOOL - DAY Buffy talks and laughs with a "hip" group. CUT: Buffy talks and laughs with a "jock" group. CUT: Buffy talks and laughs too hard with a "nerd" group. The nerds look at each other: this chick is a bigger nerd than they are. INT. SCHOOL - LOUNGE - DAY Willow, looking very anxious, walks past a wall of posters. She looks from Cordelia's to Buffy's, miserable, then sees BUFFY HERSELF, heading her way. Trapped.
Hi.
Oh hi. How are you? You good? You look good. And what else is new with you? Did I mention you look --
Will, it's okay, you helping Cordelia. You're my friend, I'm not going to hold it against you.
No, I'm not a friend, I'm a rabid dog who should be shot, but there are forces at work here, dark incompressible forces...
And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together or how many times I've saved your life...
(tiny voice) What do you want?
Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's data base.
(tinier voice) 'Kay. They move off, Buffy quite chipper.
So I called the limo place and we're all set. It's going to swing by Faith's, then my place... INT. VAN - DAY Frederick and Hans have a listening mic pointed at the school.
...and then your house, unless you're going to be at Oz', and then... INT. SCHOOL LOUNGE - DAY Buffy gives Jonathan a cupcake. He munches as:
You know, Jonathan, I've always felt a special bond between you and me --
Cordelia gave me six bucks. That buys a whole lotta cupcakes.
Okay, how 'bout... you vote for me and I don't beat the living crap out of you. Jonathan stops chewing, swallows.
That works good for me. (backs away)
(cheery) Tell your friends! Buffy looks: INTO THE UPPER LOUNGE Where Cordelia laughs loudly with a group of EXTREME NERDS.
Are you kidding? I've been doing the Vulcan death grip since I was four! She does it wrong, then tries to do it like the five nerds are doing it as Buffy marches up.
You're giving out money now?
So? Is that any more tacky than your faux "I'm shy but deep" campaign posters?
Yes.
This whole trying to be like me really isn't funny anymore.
I was never trying to be like you and when was it funny?
I don't see why your pathetic need to recapture your glory days gives you the right to splinter my vote!
How can you think it's okay to talk to people like that? Do you have parents?
Yeah. Two of them. Unlike some people.
Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth. Is it?
Why don't you do us both a favor and stay out of my way? Cordelia brushes -- or rather tries to brush -- Buffy aside. Buffy catches her hand.
Don't ever do that again.
You're sick, you know that? Xander (arriving with Willow) grabs Cordelia.
Okay, let's not say things we'll regret later --
Crazy freak!
Vapid whore!
-- like that. Xander pulls Cordy away. Willow looks at Buffy:
This is just -- INT. WILLOW'S BEDROOM - DAY
-- the worst thing that's ever happened. Xander and Willow alone, wigged.
I know, I know, but when I look at you now... (puts his hands on her shoulders) ...it's like I'm seeing you for the first time, I know it's crazy but I can't help it.
I'm talking about Buffy and Cordelia.
(drops his hands) Me too.
What are we gonna do? We have to do something. This is all our fault.
How do you get from chick fight to "our fault"?
Because, we felt so guilty about the fluke we went overboard helping Cordelia -- and spun the whole group dynamic out of orbit -- we're a meteor storm heading for earth!
Okay, calm down, let's put our heads together and think of something. One of us is pretty darn smart and I'm... just in hell. I thought being a Senior -- at last -- and having a girlfriend -- at last -- would be a good thing. Shouldn't that be a good thing? (she smiles) What?
Sometimes when you're falling apart your mouth does the sweetest thing.
My mouth? Willow touches his mouth. He touches her hand. They come together and just hold onto one another. No kissage.
What are we gonna do?
We just gotta get the two of them communicating.
I'm talking about us. EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT Buffy, in prom dress, heads down the walk to a waiting limo. The uniformed driver (whose face we won't see) holds the door for her. As she gets in: INT. LIMO - NIGHT Buffy sits, sees Cordelia, also in prom dress (and corsage.)
What are you doing here? Where's Faith? Cordelia icily hands Buffy a note. Buffy reads:
"Dear Cordelia and Buffy, we won't be riding to the dance with you. We want you to work out your problems because our friendships are more important than who wins Homecoming Queen. Your friends. P.S., the limo was not cheap, work it out." (beat) Well... She sees two corsage boxes, one empty.
They gave us corsages?
I took the orchid.
Oh. (takes out other corsage, pins it to her dress) Nice of you to check with me on that. Cordelia gives her a bitchy look. EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT - THE DRIVER Starts the car. We see that it is Frederick. The limo pulls away. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. ROAD LEADING FROM CITY TO COUNTRY - NIGHT - STOCK Only if we can find this in STOCK FOOTAGE. A black limo leaves suburbia -- or a black limo on a country road -- or a black limo heading into a woodsy locale. DISSOLVE TO: INT. LIMO - NIGHT - POOR MAN'S
I don't see what the big deal is.
I'm not making a big deal. You wanted the orchid, you took the orchid.
It goes with my complexion better.
It does have a sallow tint... (limo stops) Finally, we're here... They hear the driver's door open and shut. Then footsteps sound like he's running away. Off Buffy. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Buffy and Cordy get out, look around.
What is this? (calls out) Okay you guys, we've had enough of your stupid games.
What's massively wrong with this picture? Cordelia follows Buffy's gaze to A BIG T.V. Sitting there in the woods. They move to it. A big post-it note says "Press Power, then Play". Buffy does. The (battery-operated) T.V. clicks on and we see Mr. Trick on V.H.S.
Hello ladies, welcome to SlayerFest ninety-eight. What is a SlayerFest you ask? Well, as in most of life, there's the hunters and the hunted. Can you guess where you two fall? You have exactly thirty seconds from the beginning of this tape -- (checks watch) -- ooo, seventeen now -- to run for your lives. Faith, Buffy, have a nice death. The tape ends. Buffy does a three sixty, scanning the woods for danger. Cordy just stares at the T.V., irritated.
Hello, how stupid are you people. She's a Slayer, I am a Homecoming Quee -- Suddenly a bullet shatters the TV, blowing it to bits. Cordelia screams bloody murder. Buffy grabs Cordelia and they run like hell into the woods. BLACK OUT
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| Act Three |
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INT. BRONZE - NIGHT Oz' band plays an upbeat love song. Place is decked out for Homecoming, banners, refreshment table, etc. FIND WILLOW AND XANDER standing rather far apart. Faith walks up between them, wearing her own high fashion statement.
What are you two so mopey about?
We're not mopey. We're grooving. On Oz' band. He's a wonderful guy, Oz.
(verge of tears) He wrote this song for me. Faith gives them a look, sees Scott with a date.
That sleazebag... Giles moves up, alarmed.
We've got to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened. (off their looks) Just kidding. Thought I'd give you a scare. Are those finger sandwiches? He heads for the refreshment table --
Giles is developing a sense of humor.
I'm scared, too. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT ON THE GROUND - Two pairs of dress shoes run . NORMAL ANGLE - Buffy grabs Cordy, pulls her off the path and into the trees.
We gotta get off this path... They keep moving, Buffy looking for danger.
I have an idea: we talk to these people, we explain I'm not a Slayer, they let me go... LOOK OUT! Too late. Buffy, looking everywhere but down, has stepped into one of Frawley's bear traps. SFX - Probably slo mo - the trap snaps up. Buffy, with Slayer speed, whips her foot back out of the trap. The trap snaps shut just below Buffy's foot. Frawley rises out of the darkness, his gun aimed at her. Buffy dives as Frawley shoots and misses -- Buffy rolls, whips the trap out of the ground and flings it. The trap hits Frawley in the head; he staggers back. Frawley's booted foot steps in one of this own traps. He howls with incredible pain and falls against a tree. Buffy grabs his gun, goes to him. Cordy moves up behind Buffy.
That's gotta smart. Now, I can let you out of that trap or I can put a bullet in your head. How many are there in this little game and what are they packing? Frawley looks at her. He's in incredible pain but he doesn't say anything -- until she works the action on the 30 aught 6 and drops a shell in.
There's me, two Germans with AR-15's and grenade launcher, yellow-skin demon with long knives, vampire couple from Texas named Gorch.
That everybody?
Everybody who's out here. Germans are wired -- their boss is tracking them on computer. Now get me out of this!
Tell you what. If I live, I'll send the S.P.C.A for you. And if I ever see you again, I'll kill you where you lean.
Could you do me an eensy favor? Tell your friends that I'm not -- Buffy slaps a hand over Cordy's mouth, sensing danger. Buffy spins around, bringing the gun up. Kulak is behind them, blades in each hand. He flings one, Buffy shoots. The blade misses Buffy, sinks in a tree next to her. The bullet KNOCKS KULAK back and down. Cordelia screams. Buffy grabs her and they run. INT. BRONZE - NIGHT Scott dances with an extra. Faith moves up.
Scott, there you are, Honey. Good news -- doctor says the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up, but we gotta keep using the ointment. (to his date, nice) Hi. Giles moves to Xander and Willow, much less jovial than before.
I suspect these finger sandwiches contain actual finger. I think I'll retreat to the library until the coronation, I want to be here when Buffy... however it turns out for her -- and that was a fine thing you two did putting Buffy and Cordelia together. (he goes)
We did one fine thing.
Yeah. They've been gone a while, they must really be getting into it. INT. DESERTED CABIN - NIGHT Buffy (gun in hand) kicks the door open. She and Cordy tumble in. Buffy shuts the door, wedges a chair under the handle.
We're safe for the time being, look for a weapon. Buffy shutters the first window shut, draws a curtain across it. Cordy hyperventilates.
Safe? I'm not safe, I'm going to die.
You are if you just stand there. Buffy moves to the second window: half a shutter, which comes off in her hand. She sighs, draws the curtain across it.
I'm never going to be crowned Homecoming Queen, I'm never going to graduate high school, I'm never going to know if it was real between me and Xander or some temporary insanity that made me think... I loved him. (starting to cry) And now I'll never get to tell him.
Yes you will. We're going to get out of here -- then we're going to the library where Giles and more weapons live -- and we're gonna take the rest of these creeps out in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen.
I know what you're up to, you think if you can get me mad enough I won't be so scared -- and hey, it's working, where's a damn weapon?! Cordelia ransacks cupboards and drawers. Buffy moves between front windows, watches for attack.
Do you really love Xander?
Well, he just... grows on you, like a Chia Pet. Cordelia joins Buffy at the window, old wooden-handled spatula in hand.
(re: spatula) That's it?
Just this and a telephone.
Telephone? You didn't think a telephone would be helpful?
(re: spatula) This is better for... (mimes hitting, then:) ...oh. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Frederick and Hans move silently through the trees. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT Trick, munching popcorn, strolls up.
Popcorn? Not bad for microwave.
You're about to see why Daniel Boone and that idiot demon are creatures of the past, and why I am the future.
I love the future. It's just like the past, only shiny.
(re: computer) I'm picking up a signal...radio...? They've got a phone! INT. CABIN - NIGHT Buffy, gun in one hand, phone in the other --
(into phone) If you get this message, Giles, get help, get out here... hello? (clicks receiver)
What happened?
It just went dead. She drops phone, looks out into the dark night. EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS - NIGHT We follow Kulak's blade up to his wounded shoulder. As the blade moves toward the wound, we MOVE UP to his face which contorts in pain as he digs (off screen) into the wound. THE BLADE - drops a spent bullet on the ground. KULAK'S HAND scoops up mud for a poultice, plasters it to his shoulder, then he gets to his feet, starts to walk. He passes: FRAWLEY - still writhing in agony, his leg in the trap.
Want me to cut that leg off for you?
(clenched teeth) No thanks. Kulak, blade in each hand, moves up. INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT Giles pours a cup of tea, notices THE BLINKING LIGHT on his message machine. Hits PLAY.
You have one message...
Giles, it's me. And Cordelia. We're in a cabin in Miller's Woods, we got big trouble... EXT. WOODS - CABIN - NIGHT The cabin, nestled in the woods. Frederick and Hans approach with grenade launcher, stand. PUSHING IN on the earwig in Frederick's ear -- INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT - THE OLD MAN At his computer. Coordinates of the woods on his monitor. And two red dots. The old man wears a head-set.
(into headset) I have them both in range. INSERT - COMPUTER The grid enlarges, the red dots grow and center, a target scope zeroes in on them --
Northeast Grid A as in apple dash E as in Edward... EXT. WOODS - CABIN - NIGHT Hans taps the coordinates into a key pad on the side of the grenade launcher as Frederick readies a rocket grenade for loading.
...fourteen point eight degrees by... seventy-two point three... INT. CABIN - NIGHT Buffy's at the window; Cor clings to her spatula.
Why is it...every time I go somewhere with you, it always ends in violence and terror?
Welcome to my life.
I don't want to be in your life. I want to be in mine.
Please feel free to walk out that door and live it at any time.
All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen.
Well that's all I wanted too, Cordelia, I spent a year's allowance on this dress...
I don't get why you even care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.
Because this is all I do. This is what my life is, fighting monsters no one even knows about while everyone else gets to... I thought Homecoming Queen, I could open a yearbook someday and say "I was there. I went to high school and had friends and for one minute, I got to live in the world." And there'd be proof. Proof that I was chosen for something other than this. (holds up gun) ... besides (pumps shell in gun) ... I look cute in a tiara. Cordelia listens.
Do you hear -- Kulak, screaming bloody murder, dives through the window, blade in each hand. He knocks Buffy down, the gun goes flying. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT Trick flings popcorn into the air, catching it in his mouth.
Prepare to launch... EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Frederick drops the grenade into the launcher. INT. CABIN - NIGHT Buffy and Kulak fight. Cordelia tries hitting him on his spiny head with the spatula. Doesn't do a damn thing, but you gotta admire her pluck.
(between punches) Cor... the gun! Cordy grabs the gun, tries to figure out how to work it as Buffy takes a slice to the arm. Cor finally gets a shot off -- blowing a chunk of wood behind Buffy's head away.
Cor... the spatula! Kulak nearly takes Buffy's head off as she ducks a blade. Buffy roundhouse kicks Kulak in the face.
Buffy! Cordelia hurls her the gun. She levels it at Kulak -- he freezes -- she pulls the trigger. Nothing. She works the action. Fires again. It's empty. Kulak smiles, coming for her. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT
Launch. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Frederick fires the grenade launcher! INT. CABIN - NIGHT Buffy ducks a blade as the GRENADE blasts through the flimsy wall, lands on the floor between Buffy and Kulak. They both look down, then they both turn towards opposite walls. POSSIBLE SLO MO - Buffy grabs Cordelia and they crash out the (unshuttered but curtained) window. Kulak dives for the opposite (shuttered but curtained window) and -- REGULAR SPEED -- bounces off the closed shutters. Kulak looks down at the grenade. Ba' bye. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Blows to smithereens (as Buffy and Cor run towards us.) ANGLE - BUFFY AND CORDELIA - look up from the ground.
We gotta get to the library. HER POV: THE TWINS - far away through the smoke, seeing Buffy.
...now. They scramble to their feet, run. INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT PAN - an axe, a sword, and a crossbow as TWO HANDS lock an arrow onto it. PULLING BACK, we see Candy Gorch, playing with the crossbow. Lyle moves the arrow away from his heart.
Easy darlin', those things'll go through ya' quicker 'n Grampa Pete's chili.
I want to do Buffy, my weddin' present fer what happened to you poor brother. When's she comin'? Now we see Giles, lying on the floor, a nasty bruise on his forehead.
He's her Watcher. She'll show soon as she takes out some a our competition.
Can I eat 'im?
Course you can, sugar. I'm hoping to get a little information out of him first. (kicks Giles a little) Wish you hadn't a clocked him so good.
Hell, I hit you harder 'n that.
But I'm your husband and I like it.
(seductively) Do you?
Gotta have that sugar. And they neck. Off Giles, BLACK OUT.
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| Act Four |
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INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT On COMPUTER: Two red dots moving left through the grids.
They're heading West, back into town.
They got away?
Temporarily... A SIREN can be heard in the near distance.
Give it up for the Slayers, they got character. (problem) What do I do if they survive? (solution) Re-match next year -- bring on the money... (re: computer) ... go girls, go! Suddenly the sirens are very loud and we HEAR the sound of screeching tires outside. Then a KNOCK at the front door.
I'll take care of it. Mr. Trick leaves the old man, goes to the front door, opens it. Four UNIFORMED COPS.
Good evening, gentlemen. What can I do for -- They grab him, hustle him away.
Excuse me, someone have a warrant here? INT. SCHOOL HALL - NIGHT Cordy (clinging to her spatula) and Buffy move down the hall. Dresses torn, faces dirty, hair a mess, looking like refugees.
Jungle Bob and spike-head are down and out, we lost the Germans twice, but they seem to keep finding us -- we take them out and the Gorches, we can still make Homecoming.
Those animals, hunting us down like poor defenseless... well, animals, I guess. As they enter: INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
Now we just need -- Candy Gorch kicks Buffy, catching her way off guard. Buffy slams into a wall. Candy kicks and punches her a couple of more times -- Buffy's going down -- Cordelia sees Lyle Gorch coming for her.
Buffy! Cordy hurls the spatula to Buffy -- as Candy picks up the coat rack -- Buffy stakes Candy who WALLOPS HER in the head with the coat rack sending her down and out -- and then turns to dust. Candy's pink barrette falls to the floor. GORCH - About to attack Cordelia, cries out:
Candy! He kneels, fishes her barrette out of the dust in grief-stricken disbelief.
First ma' brother Tector, now ma' wife... CORDELIA -- Looks from unconscious Buffy to unconscious Giles. Not a good sitch. Gorch heads for Buffy.
I'll kill ya' fer this, Slayer... GILES' EYES flutter open. Woozy, he witnesses CORDELIA as she steps in front of Gorch.
...you too, you're dead meat, ya' hear?!
(incredibly cool) I hear you, you red-neck moron. You got a little dress goes with that hat? PUSH IN ON GORCH - turning red with fury.
I'm gonna --
I know, rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch -- now listen up, needle- brain, Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, including your girlfriend --
WIFE!
-- whatever, point is, I haven't even worked up a sweat. See in the end Buffy's good, but she's just the runner-up. I'm the Queen. If I get mad, what do you think I'm gonna do to you? Gorch looks from Cordy to Buffy and the dust pile on the floor. Cordy has psyched him out.
Later! He runs out. Giles manages to get to his feet. Moves up behind her.
That was... She spins around, freaked, nearly hits him in the face.
Bah! INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT Mr. Trick is 'helped' inside by the cops, who shut the door, leaving Trick alone with the mayor.
Hello. It's nice to meet you.
(non-plussed) Yeah, hi, what a pleasure. Where am I?
In my office. I'm Richard Wilkins, I'm the Mayor of Sunnydale. And you're Mr. Trick. Please sit down. Trick does, as the mayor sits behind his desk.
That's an exciting suit.
Clothes make the man.
As I understand it you're not a man exactly. Mr. Trick, I've been mayor for quite some time. I like things to run smoothly. You see, this is a very important year for me.
Election year?
(smiling) Something like that.
If this is the part where you tell me I don't fit in your quiet little neighborhood you can skip it 'cause that all got old before I was a vampire, you know what I'm saying?
Do you have children?
None living. I think I got some descendants in Gainsburg or somewhere.
Children are the heart of a community. They have to be looked after. Controlled. The more rebellious element needs to be dealt with.
I see...
The children are our future. We need them. I need them.
Well, if the 'rebellious element' means who I think it does, that problem may take care of itself this very night.
So I've heard. Very enterprising idea of yours, SlayerFest. That's the kind of initiative I need on my team.
And what if I don't want to be part of the team?
Oh no, that won't be an issue. You and I are going to get along very well. He reaches into his desk, offers:
Moist towelette? INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT Buffy holds an ice pack to her head. Cordy sits, still looking a little woozy.
(to Buffy) You should have seen Cordelia.
(to Cordy) Teach 'em to mistake you for a slayer.
I feel somewhat to blame for that, I did give your friends tacit approval to pull the switch in the limousine...
It wasn't all bad, Cor and I spent some quality death time.
And we got these free corsages.
I don't recall them saying anything about corsages...
No? Buffy takes off her corsage, studies it.
... Jungle Bob said the Germans were hooked into a computer system... INSERT - CORSAGE IN BUFFY'S HAND - SHE TURNS IT Upside down, peels back a petal. We see a small microchip.
... and they're hooked into us. Suddenly they hear an exterior door SLAM O.S
Oh God! Get rid of that thing.
Give me yours. (thinks) I need some wet toilet paper.
Oh yeah, that'll help. INT. SCHOOL HALL - NIGHT Frederick and Hans lower their night vision goggles, raise their AR-15 semi-automatic rifles with laser sights, move out. NIGHT VISION GOGGLE POV The empty hall, eerie in the green night vision light, blurry shapes of things. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT The Old Man at his computer, speaks into his headset.
(excited) They're fifty feet away! ON HIS COMPUTER SCREEN - two red dots, next to each other, growing larger as: INT. SCHOOL HALL - NIGHT Buffy bursts out of the library, runs across their path. They fire! They miss. Frederick motions to Hans -- Hans nods, heads off after Buffy, Frederick holds his ground in the hall as:
I have them, axis six degrees by thirty-three... Frederick turns his gun towards the door the classroom. INT. SCHOOL HALL - BACK DOOR TO CLASSROOM - NIGHT Hans rounds the corner, just sees Buffy entering the classroom. He follows. INT. CLASSROOM - NIGHT Dark, scary. Hans enters, looks around. Buffy rears up. IN HER HAND we see the two corsages, wrapped in a bunch of wet tissue. She flings them like a ball across the room -- they splat and stick on Hans's back. He spins around as -- INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT ON HIS COMPUTER SCREEN - red dots, large, right next to each other.
Both targets, axis seven degrees... INT. SCHOOL HALL - NIGHT Frederick aims his gun at the door.
... by thirty-five. Fire! Fire! INT. SCHOOL HALL - NIGHT Frederick fires! Blasting right through the wall -- hitting: INT. CLASSROOM - NIGHT Hans, who spins and instinctively returns fire. INT. SCHOOL HALL - NIGHT Frederick hits the floor, dead. INT. CLASSROOM - NIGHT Hans hits the floor, dead. INT. OLD MAN'S MANSION - NIGHT He watches, breathless, as the two red dots on his screen go out. The old bastard can't believe his eyes:
I won! INT. BRONZE - NIGHT A lot of excitement in the room, heads turn to watch: ON STAGE - Devon, envelope in hand, taps the mic, it feeds back terribly.
Okay guys, it's the moment we've all been waiting for... Willow, Xander, Oz in the crowd, concerned.
They're gonna announce the Queen, where are they? What's taking them so long?
(sees something O.S) I'm gonna go with mud wrestling... They follow his gaze to: Buffy, Cordelia and Giles arriving. Buffy and Cor still with the torn dresses, the messed up makeup and hair. Faith joins Willow, Xander and Oz as Buffy, Cor and Giles move up.
Oh God, what'd you do to each other?
Long story.
Got hunted.
Apparently not that long. (cont'd) I'll tell you though, you don't ever want to cross Cordy.
Heh, heh -- no. DEVON ON STAGE
In this envelope I hold the name of this year's Homecoming Queen. Shows audience envelope. They clap and cheer. Some boo and jeer. PUSH IN ON BUFFY AND COR Two war-hardened veterans.
You know, after all we've been through tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be- Queen-capade seems pretty...
... damn important.
Oh yeah. Devon tears open the envelope.
And the winner is... Hey, I believe this is a first for Sunnydale High... we have a tie! Cordelia and Buffy look at each other and share a weary, warm smile.
Holly Charleston and Michelle Blake! Michelle and Holly, fighting tears, shove their way past Buffy and Cor, heading for the stage and glory. CORONATION MUSIC, confetti and balloons; Devon holds the crown over both their heads. Crowd cheers. BUFFY AND CORDELIA - trade a look. After a moment, they head out the door together.
I'm just so honored, I can't believe it! I mean, that you would have chosen me -- us -- out of all the girls in school...it's just so...wonderful! BLACK OUT.
I have so many people to thank, I don't know where to begin!
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