Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Writer's First Draft
(August 7, 1996)
Written by: Rob Des Hotel & Dean Batali
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
CLOSE ON: A VAMPIRE'S FACE
Snarling in full attach mode: vicious, angry, bloodthirsty.
A CONVERSE-CLAD FOOT SMASHES squarely on the vampire's face, knocking him back in a daze.
She leaps into the air, grabs on to the branch of a tree, and swings up and over, kicking the vampire away. She drops down, breaks a smaller branch off the tree, and uses the sharp end to kill the vampire.
ANOTHER VAMPIRE tries to run away. Buffy does a triple-backwards-somersault and lands right in front of him.
I don't think we've been properly introduced.
I'm Buffy, and you are --
In a flash, she grabs a stake from her belt and plunges it into the vampire's heart.
She puts her hands on her hips and surveys the carnage. She smiles, satisfied. Her job is done.
Then, from off-screen:
Poor technique. Prioritization, sub-par.
Buffy's smile fades as GILES pops up from behind a tombstone. He is holding a notebook, checking things off.
Execution was adequate, but a bit too bloody for my taste.
Oh, Giles, don't mention it. It was my pleasure to make
the world safe for humanity again.
I'm not saying your methods are without merit,
but you're expending far too much time and energy.
It should simply be ‘plunge' and move on; ‘plunge' and move on.
If it's that easy, why weren't you doing it. Oh, that's right.
You were busy cowering behind a tombstone.
This isn't about me, it's about you.
It is about how there are traditions that a slayer needs to follow.
Tradition is yesterday's news. I'm an improv gal.
How about when I offed the first couple of V's with a single stake?
It was, ‘Slay one, kill one free.'
Ah, yes. Showing off. Yet another example of
how you're not going by the book.
The book. You mean that old dusty thing that's
been out of print for two thousand years?
The old ways have much to teach us.
If you insist on ignoring the fundamentals handed down
through history, you could find yourself in serious danger.
Buffy turns away, indicating her field of victory.
Gee, perhaps we should review what happened here.
Let's start with ‘I killed them all.'
A VAMPIRE is right behind him.
Buffy turns around, sees the vampire, FIRES A STAKE at it.
Giles watches in horror as the stake zooms toward him, then grazes past, hitting the vampire directly in the heart.
INT. CHURCH ALTAR
In the darkness, TWO FIGURES approach the altar and kneel.
ANGLE: FROM BEHIND
TILT UP to REVEAL they kneel before a lifesize portrait of the Master, who towers above in all his glorious darkness.
ANGLE: THE TWO KNEELING FIGURES
Their heads are bowed in reverence.
Raise your eyes to your Master.
The kneelers look up and WE SEE they are VAMPIRES.
ANGLE: THE PORTRAIT
The Master's image appears to shift as if coming alive. The form pushes out, emanating towards us. The Master dissolves out of the canvas in a shroud of flowing garments and floats to the ground. He stands before the vampires.
Soon it will be upon us, a day which has
been spoken of for thousands of years.
PULL BACK to REVEAL we are in THE MASTER'S LAIR.
I bestow each of you with a noble distinction,
for you will take part in this wonderful victory.
We are honored, Master.
Amongst the living, there will shortly
be arriving a significant assemblage of souls.
He dips his hand into the marble baptismal font which stands on the altar.
One of these will have a greater impact on our purpose
than any who have come before. You must make him
one of us tonight so that tomorrow he can descend and fulfill his destiny.
He touches a thumb to one of the vampire's lips.
For it is written, ‘Seven will rise and one will live... to free the Master.'
He touches a thumb to the other vampire's lips.
ANGLE: THE VAMPIRES
REVEAL the Master has blessed them with blood.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY
CLOSE ON: BUFFY
She looks confused.
This is spooky.
REVEAL she is in the cafeteria line.
Is the green stuff fruit, or vegetable?
I'll take it.
A scoop of green slop plops onto her tray as Buffy moves on. XANDER and WILLOW are in line behind her.
I was guessing string cheese.
A student holding a tray bumps into Buffy. This is CHAMBERS, an attractive, conservative- looking guy with definite Lacoste leanings.
Buffy looks up at him. She's not annoyed at all.
Chambers moves off.
He was all over you.
Chambers? He just bumped into me.
Please. There was definite hip-to-hip contact.
I hope you used protection.
Buffy sees Chambers sit at the table alone.
Aw, look at him.
He's all alone.
Gee, wonder why? Could it be the ‘I was a teenage mannequin' look?
Okay, so as a type, he's not exactly my proto.
I just think maybe someone should sit by him.
Might have to be us.
Looks like it.
You know, just to be friendly.
Boy, are you two being taken on a tour.
Am I the only one who can see through
his good looks and the pleasant demeanor
to behold the sick, perverted deviant within?
He turns and sees that Buffy and Willow are already half-way to Chambers' table.
You don't have to answer right away.
ANGLE: THE TABLE
Willow, wherever will we sit?
Oh, I guess this will have to do.
As Buffy is about to sit, CORDELIA appears.
Hey, look. An empty seat.
She knocks Buffy to the floor. Buffy's tray takes flight. Cordelia sits at the table and turns to Chambers, but he's not there. He is helping Buffy.
Yeah. Boy, her hips are wider than I thought.
(helping her up)
At least now you don't have to eat the creamed corn.
Oh, it's so nice to finally learn your name. I'm--
Buffy. We're in algebra together.
With Mr. McKamy.
The one and lonely.
Tell me, how does he manage to get chalk dust all over his--
I try not to think about that.
This is my friend, Willow.
I took algebra last year because I'm a year ahead,
so now I'm taking pre-calculus which is really hard,
but I'm in the gifted class, well, my parents signed
me up for it, how embarrassing is that, and maybe
I should get a janitor to take care of this mess.
(as she goes off)
Clean up on aisle seven!
Cordelia pulls Chambers back down to his seat.
Poor girl always forgets to take her medication.
Hey, Chambers, a bunch of us are loitering
at the Bronze tonight. You there?
Sounds hopeful. Who all's going?
Well, there's me.
Oh. Who else?
You mean besides me?
Buffy, what about you?
No, she doesn't--
How about we meet there at eight?
Cordelia glares at Buffy.
Yeah. Eight. There.
I should probably get another lunch that isn't so... on the floor.
I'll go with you. Cordelia, save our seats?
They head off, leaving Cordelia fuming.
EXT. CAMPUS - DAY
The end of the school day. Students file out as Buffy and Willow come down the steps.
Willow, it's not that big a deal.
It's just a bunch of people getting together.
I mean, sure, Chambers asked me specifically
right in front of Cordelia. And, yeah, he gave
me the marshmallows from his Jell-o during l
unch. And then he walked me to History class
and said ‘I can't wait to see you tonight.'
I guess I blew it way out of proportion.
All right, it's a big deal. Did you notice how the
corners of his mouth curled up when he chewed?
I missed that. I was too busy looking down and to the left of his 501 label.
I'd like to see an IMAX of that.
Wait a minute.
If you listen real close, I'm starting to sound like
a regular teenager. I've got friends. I've got a date.
All I need now are zits and an eating disorder.
GILES comes up to them.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Although I should probably do something about that
supernatural ability to destroy the undead.
I'm under the impression there's some sort of ironic tone in
that statement, but as an Englishman I'm incapable of discerning it.
Yeah? Well, that makes us even, because I don't get Benny Hill.
In any case, that supernatural ability, which you
should cherish and treasure, if I might add--
You always do.
--is needed tonight.
Close the beach on that idea. I've got a very
big meeting tonight with -- okay, let's just
call him what he is -- a god.
Oh, no. You have much more urgent business to attend to.
More urgent than me moving past ‘Buffy, The Celibate Years'? I don't think so.
My books tell of a major event occurring on the
evening of the 1,000th day after the Septugian Sunset. That's tonight.
Already? Seems like just last week was the 1,000th
day after the last Septugian Sunset. Where does the time go?
According to my calculations, we are due for a fresh
rising of vampires. It is prophesied:
(reading from his notebook)
‘On that day, seven souls will be captures into the darkness.
And the Master will look upon one of them and be pleased.'
Too bad, because I looked upon Chambers
and was very pleased.
The slayer must be present tonight.
Your responsibilities to the world are paramount.
But... cute guy. Teenager. Post-pubescent fantasies.
You'll have to put those on hold. For tonight, we do battle!
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - THAT NIGHT
The cemetery is stone QUIET as Buffy and Giles sit there, bored. Crickets chirp.
Buffy finishes off a huge soda with a SLURP.
Perhaps I miscalculated.
I'm thinking yes.
I was so sure.
Well, you know what they say.
Ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is waiting.
You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?
Oh, well. At least we were here at the ready,
so it wasn't a completely wasted evening.
Yes, Giles, it was. But that's okay. I'm sure
I'll have another shot at teenage happiness someday.
Like when I'm thirty.
Come now. What you consider a curse, others would
call a gift. Be thankful you're not burdened with trivial
matters like what to wear to next month's hay dance.
I wish I could worry about trivial things.
And not that you'd care, but I'm thinking gingham.
(gathering her things)
Now, if you'll excuse me, I might still have a chance
to salvage the remains of my dating career.
I needn't warn you about the dangers of becoming
personally involved with someone who is unaware
of your unique condition.
Yeah, yeah. I've read the back of the box.
If your identity as the slayer is revealed,
it could put you and those around you in grave danger.
Oh, then in that case I won't wear my button
that says ‘I'm a Slayer - Ask Me How!'
She WALKS OFF in one direction. WE FOLLOW an airport shuttle fan driving in the other direction.
INT. VAN - NIGHT
There is a DRIVER and SIX PASSENGERS: A NEWLYWED COUPLE, A MOTHER and her EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SON, AN OLD MAN, and a MEAN-LOOKING, TATTOED, MIDDLE- AGED GUY who looks like he just stepped off the cover of ‘Militia Monthly' magazine.
The boy anxiously turns to his mother.
When are we going to get on the airplane?
We'll be there in just a few minutes.
The boy turns around and kneels on the seat, getting right in the face of the militia guy behind him.
We're going to Tacoma!
The militia guy sneers at the boy.
(sitting her son back down)
Leave the man alone, honey.
ANGLE: THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD
as the van comes up behind a slow-moving EIGHTEEN WHEELER.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The van's blinker flashes. It moves to the left to pass. The truck VEERS IN FRONT, blocking the pathway. The van goes back into its lane. The truck does the same.
INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS
Oh, boy, you're beautiful!
EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS
They drive on for a bit. The van tries again, changing lanes -- quickly this time -- and again the truck won't let it pass. The van brakes and jerks back into its own lane.
INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS
I don't believe it. I don't believe it!
He honks his horn.
I'm in no mood to play games. Let's go!
The TRUCKER puts his hand out the window and waves for the van to pass.
Well, it's about time, Charlie.
EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS
The van accelerates and begins to pull alongside the truck.
INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS
The lights of the PICK-UP TRUCK shine directly at him.
ANGLE: THE HORRIFIED VAN DRIVER
as he jerks the wheel to avoid a collision.
Sparks fly as it skids into a ditch.
The van rests in mangled silence as the wheels slowly turn.
ANGLE: THE EIGHTEEN WHEELER
It comes to a stop on the side of the road. The door opens, and WEE SEE the boots of the trucker as he steps onto the ground. TILT UP to see the truck driver is one of the vampire henchmen from the Master's lair. The other henchman comes around from the passenger side.
INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS
The passengers are bloody but alive.
Is everyone okay?
The door's stuck.
They are start screaming for help.
ANGLE: THE MILITIA GUY
He is growing more agitated as the screaming continues.
Everyone goes quiet.
I think someone's coming.
They all listen and hear FOOTSTEPS approaching.
We're going to be okay.
EXT. VAN - LONG SHOT
From the distance, we SEE the van rocking and being torn apart and HEAR the sounds of vampires feasting. The passenger's screams FADE OFF into the night as we:
EXT. BRONZE - NIGHT
Establishing, as heavy, loud music FADES IN.
A poster advertises the bad: ‘HARRY MORGAN'S TEMPER'
INT. BRONZE - CONTINUOUS
Buffy walks in and looks around. She stops short.
ANGLE: CHAMBERS AND CORDELIA
Dancing wildly to the throbbing beat. She pulls him close.
Standing there. If she had a cake, this would take it.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - THE NEXT DAY
Buffy SLAMS her locker door, REVEALING Xander beside her.
So you just went home?
What was I supposed to do? Say to Chambers,
‘Sorry I'm late. I was sitting in a cemetery with the
librarian waiting for some vampires to rise so that
I could slam a few stakes into their hearts but it
was a false alarm so now, hey, let's dance'?
(weighing this with his hands)
Or... flat tire.
Giles should come with a Surgeon General's warning:
may be hazardous to Buffy's social life. He's completely
not cognizant. It's as if he's never even been on a date.
I can't take this anymore. I feel like everyone's
staring at me, the hideous dateless monster.
A STUDENT walks past. Buffy tears into him.
That's right, I have no life. Move along, pal. Nothing to see here.
The student scurries on.
You're reacting a little overly, aren't you?
Everyone likes you. I bet you could have any guy in the school.
That's a nice thing to say. You're a good friend.
Chambers comes up to them.
Oh, look, it's Chambers. Buffy and Chambers.
And Xander. That'd be me.
Xander moves aside and begins rummaging through his locker.
Where were you last night?
Oh, I, uh... broke my watch, and we don't have any
clocks in our house, so I didn't know what time it was,
actually, I didn't even know what day it was.
Was that last night? I'm sorry.
How about we try again for tonight?
I'll even lend you my watch.
Behind them, Xander rolls his eyes, trying not to gag.
Tonight? You and me?
We could invite the chess club, but you know,
they drink a lot.
Well, no, it's just I kind of heard that you and Cordelia
were somewhat... all over each other. A little.
I just danced with her a couple of times. She was there
all alone. I felt sorry for her.
Xander ‘finds' something in his locker.
Yay! I've been looking for this pen cap for weeks.
(calculating in her head)
Let's see, if I rearrange, and move that to next week,
and then shift that to -- sure. Tonight'll work.
I'll pick you up at seven.
(handing Buffy his watch; pointing)
That's when the little hand's here.
Ah, right between the six and the eight.
See you then.
He walks off.
Tonight! Isn't that so?
Oh, yeah. I'm sure you and Gaggy Von Gaggenheimer
will have a great time.
Come on, be happy for me.
This is me being happy. You should see me Christmas
morning. I barely even crack a smile. But I'm all
sugar plums dancing on the inside.
INT. THE MASTER'S LAIR
The Master is with his two henchmen. He pops the cork off of a champagne bottle and pours the contents into glasses.
You have done excellent work.
It is your generosity which allows us to be a part
of such an historical occurrence.
The Master hands each henchman a glass.
REVEAL the glasses are filled with blood. They all drink.
Everything is happening as was foretold.
But there is one final task you must perform.
The Master gestures to an ancient-looking book which sits on a table before the henchmen. The book opens under its own power. Page after page turns, eventually landing on one.
ANGLE: FROM HIGH ABOVE
SLOWLY ZOOM IN on the book as the Master continues to speak.
It has been presaged that the special one will bring
with him strengths and powers drawn from the deepest
darkness. Deliver him to me as soon as he has risen.
The page now FILLS THE SCREEN. We see an illustration of a warrior's face, obscured by fire. Beneath this, in ancient script: ‘...AND THE CHOSEN ONE WILL SET THE MASTER FREE.'
INT. BUFFY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Buffy is getting ready for her date. Xander and Willow are there. Willow holds up to outfits for Buffy to choose.
Let's see. Do I want to appear shy, coy and naïve,
or do I go unrestrained, insatiable and aggressive.
You know, Chambers is a little homespun.
He probably doesn't like that overly-assertive look.
(looking in her closet)
Hey, here's something. A nice, comfy overcoat.
He pulls a drab, floor-length overcoat out of her closet. He reaches for something else.
And this ski cap. The earflaps will bring out your eyes.
I think I'll mix-n-match.
Xander, guy's opinion.
(she uncaps two lipsticks)
Which one do you think Chambers will like better?
Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his
friends how easy you are so that the whole school
loses respect for you and talks behind your back?
The red's good.
Thanks. I'll go with the peach.
(handing Buffy some clothes)
Put this on.
They stare at Xander a beat.
You're not bothering me.
Willow turns Xander around as Buffy changes into her outfit. As Willow and Buffy talk, Xander tries to get a glimpse of Buffy's reflection in the doorknob.
So, where's the taking you?
I don't know. Where do you suppose the
young kids are going on dates these days?
Well, I read somewhere that sometimes they go to movies.
And once on TV I saw a bunch of people our age at a party.
Wow. I never knew being a teenager was so full of possibilities.
The DOORBELL rings.
EXT. PORCH - A SECOND LATER
Buffy opens the door. Xander and Willow stand in the hallway behind her.
Tonight is absolutely the night.
I'm not home.
She starts to close the door. He stops her.
The prophecy is happening. Look.
He flips open a newspaper. The headline reads: ‘SEVEN DIE IN VAN ACCIDENT.'
My theory was correct. Seven people were killed last night.
(as if to a child)
Yeah. In a car crash.
Those deaths were forecast more than three thousand
years ago. And listen to this.
‘Also among the dead was Andrew Borba, whom police
had been pursuing for months in connection with a series of brutal assaults.'
That's the one the Master is waiting for. He is set to
rise with the others tonight. My calculations make me sure of it.
You were sure of it last night.
You showed me charts and drafts and calendars.
(hangs his head)
I forgot about leap year.
Of all the luck. A vampire uprising on the night of
your big date. Isn't that always the way?
Not tonight it ain't.
Buffy, you have to believe me--
You expect me to buy into your open-to-interpretation
interpretation when you can't even remember to carry the four?
You must answer your calling.
Last night I answered it and they put me on hold.
Chambers comes up the walk carrying a carnation.
What's Dewey Decimal doing here?
Oh. He's, uh, out promoting Bookmobile awareness.
We call him gruff but lovable Giles. But enough about him.
What's the plan?
What are your thoughts on bowling.
If it gets me off this doorstep, I'm for it.
She pushes past Giles.
So you're just going to go.
If you say so.
You're just going to ignore the fact that you've
been chosen and have a destiny to fulfill.
Willow and Xander, on alert, pull Chambers away from the conversation.
Yeah. A couple of things about tonight.
Buffy and Giles continue to argue in hushed tones during the following.
What is it? She's not into bowling?
Well, it's too late to do anything about that.
But you should probably know Buffy doesn't
like to be kissed. Actually, she doesn't even like to be touched.
As a matter of fact, don't even look at her.
She really hates that.
You know what? I'll just kind of let Buffy lead.
Oh, she can't stand that most of all.
Giles and Buffy's argument grows louder.
All right, then. I don't need you. This is a subject
on which I am well versed. I've spent night after
night in that library reading book after book after book--
On the plus side, you've missed the career of Sheryl Crow.
One of us has to take your obligation seriously,
and if it's not going to be you, then I'll go do it alone.
Fine. It should be very exciting for you
doing absolutely nothing all by yourself.
Ha! What you fail to realize is that that's what I do best!
He storms off. Buffy clenches her fists and groans angrily, then turns to Chambers.
Okay, all set!
(to Xander and Willow)
Don't wait up.
Buffy and Chambers start down the walk.
What was all that stuff he was saying about
being ‘chosen' and having a ‘destiny'?
He's grooming me to be the next librarian.
Xander and Willow watch them
This is bad.
I wish it was just bad.
We're going to have to take steps.
Yep. We've got to follow Buffy and Chambers.
I do not trust that guy.
Xander, we have to go with Giles. He could get into trouble.
Oh, he'll be fine. He's like SuperLibrarian. Everyone forgets,
Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.
Willow gives him a look.
All right, all right. But if Buffy shows up at school
tomorrow married with three children, you're going to look pretty stupid.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
WE FOLLOW a bowling ball down an alley and into some pins.
who reacts to the shot.
He walks back to the score table where Buffy is sitting.
Picked up the spare.
Buffy absent-mindedly twirls a pencil.
What? Oh, sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm just... thinking about what Giles said.
I guess the thing you've got to ask yourself is,
is that what you really want to be?
Oh. Not even.
Well, there you go.
You know, you're right. I do go there. Thanks.
She grabs a ball.
Now how do you do this again?
He gets behind her, showing her how to hold the ball.
Like this. And if it goes in the gutter, don't worry.
It takes a long time to get good at this.
Forgetting her own strength, Buffy sends the ball rocketing down the lane. It nearly pulverizes the pins.
Keep at it. It'll come to you.
Buffy goes to sit. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a MAN in the next lane pull the hair back from a WOMAN'S NECK and start to move in close.
She starts towards him.
ANGLE: THE WOMAN
She smiles as the man innocently kisses her
on the neck. They look up and see Buffy standing there,
Oh. I'm sorry. I couldn't help but notice your... shoes.
They're just like mine. Okay. That's all.
Buffy turns away, embarrassed.
She looks up and sees an ELDERLY WOMAN walk into the shadow of a doorway, followed by a MYSETERIOUS LOOKING GUY -- light skin, dark hair, dark clothing.
Buffy hurdles over the ball rack, leaps into the doorway, and grabs the guy. She throws him to the ground and puts her knee on his chest, raising a fist to strike.
Go ahead! You can use it first!
He holds a quarter up to her, terrified.
REVEAL a pay phone on the wall, which the woman is using.
In the light, Buffy realizes this guy is no vampire. He's just very pale, with a widow's peak and a fondness for the wardrobe stylings of Johnny Cash.
I am so begging your forgiveness. It's just that with
your hair and your clothes and... you're so pale.
I know. People always mistake me for Butch Patrick.
She helps the guy up and brushes him off. Buffy turns and sees that Chambers is there. He looks at her, concerned.
Did you want to go somewhere else?
No, are you kidding? I am loving the bowling thing!
You got your ball, you got your pins. No wonder it's
America's second favorite indoor activity. You're up.
Chambers starts toward the lane. Buffy gathers herself.
Okay, Buff, say hi to reality.
Absolutely nothing is going to happen tonight.
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
Giles is sitting on a tombstone. Before him is a collection of vampire-slaying paraphernalia: a large, holy-looking book, a couple stakes, some garlic, a cross, etc.
All is quiet.
Giles checks his watch, looks around a bit, gets up, and starts to put his things in his bag. As he turns to go, one of the vampire henchmen drops down in front of him, baring his fangs.
Giles jumps back, then regains his composure.
You don't frighten me.
He reaches into his bag and dramatically pulls out a string of garlic.
I've studied your kind for years. I'll just go by the book.
The other vampire henchmen drops down behind him.
We're gonna need a bigger book.
EXT. CEMETERY - CONTINUOUS
The vampires snarl at Giles as he backs away.
I didn't want to have to do this,
but I'm afraid you gentlemen leave me with no alternative.
He stares them down for a beat, then tosses the garlic at the vampires. They recoil. Giles RUNS towards the MORTUARY in the distance.
INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT
Giles runs into a room and locks the door behind him. He looks around. He is in:
THE MORTUARY. There are tables for dressing the bodies, caskets propped open for display, a table of urns, floral funeral arrangements and wardrobe racks. Drawers for the bodies line every wall.
Giles leans against the door and breathes a sigh of relief: he is safe. He looks across the room and sees another door.
GILES' POV: THE DOORKNOB STARTS TO JIGGLE.
(clutching his bag, calling out)
I've got another clove and I'm not afraid to use it!
Giles, it's us!
Willow and Xander!
Thank heavens you're here.
What can we do to help? Whatever you need, just name it.
I'm being hunted down by a team of vampires.
There is a long beat, then:
We'll go get Buffy.
That would be good.
Their footsteps fade as they run off.
Giles looks around. It is silent. He nervously peers out the small window in the door that he first came in.
A vampire's face APPEARS on the other side.
Giles jumps back, then moves to barricade the door as the vampires begin pounding to get in.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Xander and Willow pass the mysterious looking guy as he walks out with an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
Sure, I worked with Fred Gwynne for years.
Come back to my place and I'll tell you about
the time me and Al Lewis filled his boots with rice pudding.
Buffy and Chambers are at the counter turning in their shoes. Xander and Willow run up, breathless.
Buffy, I'm glad we caught you.
Well, look at this. You guys are just showing up everywhere.
What are you doing here?
Quick, we've got to get to--
Willow nudges him and glances over at Chambers.
Uh, we thought it'd be fun to make this a double date.
He puts his arm around Willow.
With you? I didn't know you two were seeing each other?
Oh, yeah. Going on nine days now.
We knew it would happen eventually and figured, hey, why fight it?
(trying to be sincere)
Yeah. Sometimes love just blossoms.
You've hidden it so well.
(whispering to Willow)
I don't think she's buying it.
(whispering to Xander)
Yeah. We'd better make out.
Actually, Buffy and I were just about to leave.
Hey, if you guys are exiting,
maybe we should all go somewhere together.
Gee, that is so nice of you to ask.
But Chambers and I were kind of, well, Chambers and I.
Come on. We can go... some place.
We can do... some things. It'll be a blast!
Where were you guys thinking?
Oh, there are so many options.
INT. MORTUARY - SAME TIME
Giles has barricaded the door, but the POUNDING continues, louder and louder. Suddenly, it stops. There is a SILENCE. It appears the vampires have given up.
A WINDOW CRASHES IN FROM ABOVE.
Giles grabs a cane hanging on the wardrobe rack and starts whacking at the vampires' hands as they try to climb in.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
You know what would be fun?
I hear there's kind of like a party going on.
At the cemetery.
Giles is there.
(mocking their tone)
Thank you, I know.
With some friends.
Buffy realizes what they're saying.
Oh, no. Giles.
We've got to get over there.
Oh. Chambers. Maybe we should
do the goodbye thing here.
What do you mean?
Well, this party... After bowling,
it'll probably be anti-climactic.
You don't want me to go?
No, it's just, well, you wouldn't really
know anyone. They don't go to our school.
That's okay. I'm always up for meeting new people.
Buffy, we really need to get there.
I know, I know. But...
(looks up at Chambers; then gives up)
Okay, let's make it a foursome.
They all run towards the door.
I'm still thinking it would help if we make out.
EXT. CEMETERY - A LITTLE LATER
Buffy and the gang run into view. There is a
CRASH from the mortuary. They look to see:
Must be a wild party.
You guys stay here. Let me check it out.
She runs ahead.
(to Chambers; covering)
She likes to make an entrance.
INT. MORTUARY - A SECOND LATER
The two vampire henchmen are searching the place, overturning coffins, etc. Giles is nowhere to be seen.
The barricade Giles built CRUMBLES as Buffy bursts through the door, pulling a stake out of her purse.
Viewing hours are over.
One of the vampires lunges towards Buffy. She grabs his arm, twists him around, and holds his arm behind his back.
Funeral services will be held--
She reaches around and plunges a stake through his heart.
She drops the body to the floor.
The other vampire begins circles Buffy. She holds him at bay with her stake.
Where do you want it?
The vampire kicks the stake out of Buffy's hand. It goes flying across the room.
I guess that answers that.
The vampire tackles Buffy and they roll around a bit until Buffy slithers away on her back. He grabs for her feet, trying to pull her to him. She kicks at him, and latches on to the doorframe behind her.
The vampire finally gets a grasp on Buffy's legs and gives a yank. A huge wooden splinter from the shattered doorframe comes off in Buffy's hand. As she is jerked towards him, she buries the splinter in his heart.
She pushes him away and gets up: she's a tattered mess.
That's the last time I spend two hours on my hair.
She hears Giles' muffled voice.
Buffy looks around.
Buffy, I'm in here.
Buffy looks at all the drawers on the wall.
Buffy goes to a drawer, opens it, and looks inside. We see only her reaction.
That's not Giles.
She closes the drawer.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
She opens another drawer, looks inside.
Ew, that had to hurt.
She closes that drawer, looks in another.
That's... well, that's just wrong.
She closes the drawer and opens another.
ANGLE: GILES LAYS IN THE DRAWER NEXT TO A CORPSE.
How was your date?
Apparently, better than yours.
Buffy helps Giles out of the drawer.
Well, I suppose I don't have to say
that I was correct in my prediction.
Something tells me you will anyway.
No, no. I won't bask in the glory and rub your nose
in the fact that old Giles was right and that young,
inexperienced Buffy was one-hundred percent wrong.
It would only further heighten the
current embarrassment you must be--
Annoyance factor dangerously high.
What were you thinking taking on vampires
by yourself? You're a watcher, not a slayer.
What else could I do? You were off acting
like an irresponsible teenager.
I am an irresponsible teenager.
How long are you going to fall back on that
hollow justification for your juvenile activities.
I'm thinking it should do me until I'm about twenty.
Xander, Willow, and Chambers come in.
Where's the party?
It's pretty much over.
On the contrary, it's just about to begin.
Meaning exactly-- huh?
Our previous two ‘guests' were, as you noticed,
only two. If you'll recall, the announcement about
tonight's event specifically stated there would be
seven in the attendance. Too, the invited ones will
be dressed in, shall we say, their ‘funeral best.'
Because this is their first night.
Exactly. And we mustn't forget about
the ‘guest of honor' who will be rising--
--coming to the party with evening.
So when do these guests arrive?
Unseen by our gang, a DRAWER on the wall behind them SLOWLY OPENS and a VAMPIRE (the driver from the van) sits up.
I have no idea. They were scheduled to be here by now.
Still unseen, MORE DRAWERS OPEN. FOUR MORE VAMPIRES (passengers from the van) sit up.
Maybe this time you forgot to account for Daylight Savings.
From behind them, they hear a voice.
Sorry, we're late.
Buffy and the others turn to see the vampires have them surrounded. The vampires are partially dressed as if being prepared for burial: the van driver is in a suit, the young bride and groom are in a wedding dress and tuxedo, the mother is in a black dress, and the old man is in a naval uniform.
These are your friends?
No. They're crashers.
Why do they look so weird?
They're, uh, on something.
Just say no.
The vampires go after our gang.
Buffy dives right in while Giles, Xander, and Willow go on the defense. They huddle close to Chambers, keeping the vampires at bay with some of the stuff from Giles' bag.
Here. Hold this garlic.
He hands Willow some cloves.
These are shallots.
Drat. I always get those confused.
Xander pulls a cross out of the bag.
I think this is a cross.
That should work.
The vampires are all over Buffy. She kicks one, punches another, and elbows a third.
Buffy's all alone out there.
What are we doing just sitting here?
She knows what she's doing.
We've got to help her!
Chambers breaks away and goes after the Groom, who is getting the upper hand on Buffy.
Chambers puts his head down and rams the Groom in the midsection, pushing him up against a wall of drawers. Chambers follows up with a couple of hooks and an uppercut. The Groom goes down.
Chambers turns around and smiles at Buffy.
I'll bet he's sorry he messed with me.
The Groom immediately pops up behind Chambers, grabs him, and slams a drawer into his head.
The Groom holds the lifeless body up by the collar and taunts Buffy.
Now see what you did?
You went and got your friend killed.
The Groom lifts Chambers' body over his head, then slams him into the ground. Buffy looks on, mortified.
INT. MORTUARY - A SECOND LATER
Buffy is as before. She looks at Chambers on the floor, then glares at the Groom.
You've made me very angry.
Without shifting her gaze from the Groom, Buffy swiftly extends her arm to the side, landing a stake in the heart of the Mom vampire who was sneaking up from behind.
Buffy rolls a wardrobe rack between herself and the Groom, then turns and faces the Old Man vampire. He lands a foot in her side. She doubles over.
This old guy's still got some life in him.
He kicks her again, but Buffy grabs his leg and flips him backwards onto the floor.
Famous last words.
Buffy straddles the Old Man, takes a stake and does the deed.
ANGLE: THE VAN DRIVER VAMPIRE
who runs towards Buffy from behind and leaps into the air.
Buffy tosses a stake backwards over her shoulder. It sails through the air and sinks into the Van Driver's chest just as he's coming down. Buffy rolls off the Old Man and the Van Driver lands on top of him.
The Groom grabs Buffy by her collar. He calls to the Bride.
Honey, I have a gift for you.
He heaves Buffy through the air. Buffy slams into the wall and drops to the floor. The Bride pulls Buffy up by the hair, and they struggle. Buffy tries to trap the Bride against the wall, but the Bride grabs Buffy's arms and pins them to her side. The Bride holds Buffy there.
I got her!
The Groom pulls the stake from the Old Man's heart and goes for Buffy. He raises the stake and brings her arm down to bury it in Buffy's back.
At the last second, Buffy spins the Bride around and the Groom plants the stake in his wife's heart. Buffy pushes the Bride off her, and the Bride collapses dead in her husband's arms.
And you two made such a cute couple.
The Groom screams in rage, throws his wife to the floor, and charges at Buffy. She shoulders him in the mid-section and flips him straight up into the air.
Buffy kicks open a coffin, grabbing the stick which propped the lid up. The Groom flies into the coffin. Buffy plunges the stick through his heart and slams the lid closed.
And that is that.
Buffy looks around at the carnage, but her moment of victory is overshadows by the sight of Chambers' body heaped in a corner. She walks over to him and kneels down.
Why did that stupid prophecy have to come true tonight?
Giles puts a hand on her shoulder.
Evil does not like to wait.
It waited three thousand years. It couldn't wait one more night?
Buffy, I know this may be a small consolation,
but you have done a great service to humankind.
You prevented the chosen one from freeing the Master.
So what? Chambers is dead. All these other
people are dead. And for what? Why does
this kind of stuff have to happen?
I gave up long ago trying to answer such questions.
These people didn't do anything wrong.
They were just innocent victims. They didn't
ask to be turned into vampires. They didn't
know about any prophecy. I'll bet the chosen
on didn't even know he was the chosen one.
There is a loud thud. They all turn to see:
ANGLE: THE MILITIA VAMPIRE
He is shirtless, with bulging muscles, scars criss-crossing his torso -- think Robert Deniro in ‘Cape Fear.' But with fangs.
I think he knows.
Buffy rises to face her new challenger. She gives him the once over. There is a long beat.
You can beat him, Buffy. Just remember
your training. Don't try anything fancy.
Stick with the fundamentals.
Stay out of it, Giles. This is between me and him.
Buffy begins to circle him.
You're the reason my date got killed.
His eyelids begin to flutter as he comes to.
Willow sees this.
Buffy and Militia are face-to-face.
By the time I'm done with you,
you'll wish you were dead. Or, weren't dead. I mean--
She leaps onto him. They crash into a table full of urns, which collapses beneath them, sending up a cloud of ashes.
He's moving now, trying to sit up.
Buffy, Chambers is --
Giles puts up a hand to stop Xander.
ANGLE: BUFFY AND MILITIA GUY
She pins him to the ground.
Let's give her a minute.
Buffy is on top of Militia, swinging wildly.
Our first date--
A left hook.
--and I get the guy killed!
A right hook.
What am I going to tell his parents?
She slams his head against the floor.
Militia kicks Buffy off. She goes flying across the room. Militia charges her and leaps. Buffy rolls out of the way and flips upright as Militia crashes onto the floor.
Militia reaches for Buffy. She dives into a somersault, lands on his opposite side, and kicks him in the ribs. Before he can counter she does a back flip, vaults off the coffin behind her, and lands with the coffin between them.
Militia gets to his feet and lunges at Buffy. She opens the coffin lid towards him, smashing him in the face. He staggers backwards into the corner of the room.
Buffy's got him where she wants him. She cartwheels over to him, ending with a flip, and lands--
--facing the wrong way.
She's staring at the corner of the room. She turns around, Militia is towering over her.
He laughs maniacally. Buffy looks around. She's trapped.
Uh, Giles? Help?
Militia grabs Buffy, opens his mouth, and aims at her neck. She strains to keep him away.
The book! It'll know what to do.
He reaches into his bag and pulls out the large book.
(to Giles; urgent)
(leafing through books)
Buffy is still holding off Militia, who strains closer to her neck.
Use the book!
No. Use the book!
Giles looks at the huge book in his hands.
He struggles to raise the massive tome over his shoulder, closes his eyes and, with all his might, slams its heft into the back of Militia's head. Militia collapses.
Buffy grabs a nearby ‘R.I.P.' wreath fastened to an easel and plunges one of the legs through Militia's heart.
He is finished.
Buffy dusts herself off, picks up the book and hands it to Giles.
Good thing you didn't bring the Cliff's Notes.
He is coming out of his daze, not sure where he is.
Does anybody have an aspirin? Or sixty?
She rushes to him.
Chambers feels the back of his head.
Do I have another head back there?
I think it'll heal.
Buffy gingerly helps him to his feet.
What happened to all those guys?
We scared them away.
Good, because, you know, I would have...
I'm sure this isn't what you expected on our first date.
Yeah, I thought maybe we'd finish up at Ben & Jerry's--
We still could.
No, I think I'll just walk home.
He starts out, then turns back.
Um, which way is home?
I'll get you there.
She reaches for him. He backs away from her.
Uh, no. I'll go it alone.
He walks off.
We'll make sure he gets there okay.
He and Willow follow after Chambers.
Then we should probably make out.
And they're gone. Giles zips up his bag.
Well, it's a good thing I planned ahead. Otherwise,
you'd be merely the latest in a long line of slayers
whose lives were cut short by carelessness and overconfidence.
Giles, you're gushing.
I'm sure you're aware that your over-flamboyant
moves nearly cost us our lies. Had you stuck to the fundamentals--
Is that all you ever think about?
Yes. That's what I'm supposed to think about.
Well, I think about other things. Like my life, my future,
my kitchenette at the Old Single Woman's Home.
Must you always be so dramatic?
I'm a high school sophomore. It comes with the package.
You have duties as a slayer--
Didn't you see what happened here? I really liked
Chambers, and now any chance I have with him
is ruined because of my stupid destiny.
Buffy, you can not ignore who you are.
Hey, I never wanted this. I like who I was before just fine.
And you know what I liked best about then? I didn't know you!
Buffy turns on her heals and walks out, leaving Giles alone.
EXT. CAMPUS - THE NEXT DAY
Buffy is with Xander and Willow.
Did Chambers get home okay?
Did he say anything about me?
You mean specifically about you?
Or generally, in the area, in the ballpark, any sort of implication--
Oh, well, in that case, no.
But he was pretty incoherent, so maybe we missed it.
I knew it. I totally blew it.
Chambers runs up to them.
I think this is our stop.
Willow moves off. Xander stands there. He feels a tug on his shirt as Willow pulls him away.
A long beat of silence.
This is going well.
I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this, but, about last night--
You don't even have to. I'm sure you were pretty freaked out.
And I was kind of hoping I could see you again.
Buffy stands there stone-faced. She snaps out of it.
I'm sorry. That was my hopeful ear.
(turning her head)
Could you say that again?
You are the most amazing girl I've ever met.
You're so sweet, but there's something... dangerous about you.
Last night was incredible. When can we do it again?
How about tonight?
Tonight would be--
She stops herself. Something isn't right here.
--not a workable thing.
Tomorrow, then? Or some other time?
I quit the debate team, so I am free any night this week.
Actually, you see, the thing is...
(struggling for words)
You're a really nice guy. But the timing's all off.
The meaning of Buffy's words sink in.
Don't take this personally, I mean, it's not you, it's me.
Right. It's you.
Believe me, it's me. I've just got to take some time
and balance out some things in my life. Because you
see, I'm... different. And I think after a while you'd
want something that's a little more, well, there.
But I'm still hoping--
I get it. You just want to be friends.
That'd be nice.
Yeah. Great. Friends.
Chambers turns and goes. Buffy watches him disappear into the mass of students.
From behind her we hear:
That must have been terribly hard for you.
Buffy spins around and sees Giles. She tenses up, then softens.
Yeah, it was.
He cares for you very much.
That's why I had to end it. Chambers was way
too into what was going on last night. If we'd kept
going out, he could have ended up getting killed. Or worse.
I'm afraid you're probably right.
And I thought, I'm not being fair to him.
He deserves a normal life.
He shouldn't have to put up with all...
No one should.
But I'm sure there will be other gorgeous guys
who would do anything for me and are perfect
in every way. Oh, wait, no there won't. Because I'm a freak.
Giles looks across the campus. Groups of students are hanging out, talking, laughing.
You know, there's no reason we absolutely
have to train tonight. According to my calculations,
no uprisings are planned for at least another twenty-three days.
Should I ink that, or just pencil it?
Let me get back to you.
They head towards the library.
Oh, I meant to thank you. That book really came
in handy last night. Maybe we could check out
some of the stuff inside.
I thought you had no use for the old ways.
Never hurts to cover your bases.
You had them covered pretty well last night.
That over-the-shoulder stake toss was right on target.
On that one I got lucky. But you and the book?
That's what saved my glutes.
I beg to differ. I didn't do a thing. It was you who
kept us from becoming -- how do you kids say it -- dog meat.
What are you talking about? The Giles-man came prepared.
I just showed up and started swinging.
Buffy, please. You're the one who drove a stake through
the heart of that ancient prophecy. You fulfilled your
duties as a slayer to perfection. We can count this as
another defeat for the Master.
INT. THE MASTER'S LAIR
The Master is speaking to someone who is as yet unseen.
I am very pleased. Your arrival has been eagerly
anticipated. You are gifted in way of which you are
yet unaware, and with your help I will finally be free. Welcome.
REVEAL he is speaking to the eight-year-old boy from the van. The boy looks up at the Master innocently.