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Teacher's Pet (October 18, 1996) Written by: David Greenwalt |
| Teaser |
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SCREEN IS BLACK - We hear a TERRIFIED SCREAM, PULLING BACK we discover we were INSIDE THE SCREAMING GIRL'S MOUTH. Now we see we're -- INT. THE BRONZE - NIGHT A BLOODTHIRSTY VAMPIRE advances on BUFFY. Tables are overturned, the BAND has stopped in mid-play, and everyone except Buffy (in hot dress, out of breath) is scared shitless, giving the monster a wide berth. He lunges, she sidesteps and throws a punch, he grabs her arm with alarming speed and slams her down on top of a table. He's strong and scary and he's got her pinned. He lowers his teeth for the kill as -- A HAND -- reaches in, grabs him by the hair. He looks up: DRAMATIC ANGLE - BUFFY'S SAVIOR Is XANDER. Calm, confident, cool.
May I cut in? The vampire snarls and goes for Xander's throat. Xander slams his head into the table, stands him up, and almost casually finishes him off with a crashing blow. The vamp careens over tables and chairs, lands in a heap on the floor. Xander pulls Buffy off the table to her feet.
Are you all right?
Thanks to you. She takes his hand in hers. Neither notices the Vamp stirring.
You hurt your hand . . . will you still be able to . . . ?
Finish my solo and then kiss you like you've never been kissed before? She nods, smitten. He gives her his million dollar grin, heads for the stage, never breaking stride as he grabs a chair by the leg, cracks it over a table (turning the chair leg into a stake which he flings through the vamp's heart). He leaps on stage, grabs his guitar, assumes his GUITAR GOD POSE and THRASHES OUT some mind numbing, teeth-jangling POWER CHORDS. Buffy watches in awe. The band looks on, as Xander goes into a smoking solo. CLOSE - BUFFY - digging him, but saying, incongruously:
You're drooling . . . SMASH CUT TO: INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY Xander dreams on his desk. The lights are low: the class is being shown slides of insects. Buffy, WILLOW and BLAYNE MALL (football star, stud) sit nearby. Buffy shakes him.
Xander . . . you've got a little . . . He bolts up from his Buffy fantasy. Buffy brushes her mouth to indicate he should wipe his. He does, straightening up as DR. GREGORY (kindly, older, glasses; his name stitched on his white lab coat) turns on the lights and moves down the aisle towards them.
Their ancestors were here long before we were - their progeny will be here long after we're gone. The simple and ubiquitous ant. If you did the homework, you'll know the two ways that ants communicate . . . Ms. Summers? Buffy doesn't have a clue. Glances at Willow.
Ways that ants communicate.
Yes . . .
With other ants.
No, with lemons. From the homework, the ants are communicating in two ways . . . She watches Willow, behind Dr. Gregory's back, frantically mime "touch" and "smell" by touching and smelling Xander -- to his discomfort.
. . . touch . . . and . . . B.O.? Laughter from the class.
(re: Xander) Thank God someone finally found the courage to mention that.
Touch and smell, Ms. Summers. (without turning to look at Willow) Is there anything else Ms. Rosenberg would like to tell you? Willow hangs her head. The CLASS BELL rings. Kids grab their stuff, shuffle out.
Chapters six through eight by Wednesday, people. (to Buffy) Could I see you for a moment? Willow and Xander exchange sympathetic looks with Buffy as they make their way out with the rest of the kids. INT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY Blayne shoves past, calls to GORGEOUS GIRL:
Cheryl, wait up, doll. (aside to Xander) Isn't she something? Do you know what a woman like that wants? (Xander waits to hear:) No, I guess you wouldn't. Blayne walks off. Xander calls after:
(calls out to Blayne) Something really cutting! (to Willow) Sometimes I just go with the generic insult.
Why pay more for the brand name? INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY Display table in front holds an ant farm, small glass cases with ladybugs, spiders and a praying mantis. Dr. Gregory puts some books inside a SMALL CLOSET next to the blackboard.
I gather you had a few problems at your last school.
Well, what teenager doesn't --
(emerging from closet) Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium? (off her look) Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record.
That fire, there were major extenuating circumstances -- actually it's sort of funny --
I can't wait to see what you're going to do here.
(deflating) Destructo-Girl, that's me.
But I suspect it's going to be great.
You mean great in a bad way? He takes off his glasses, wipes them under:
You've got a first rate mind. You can think on your feet -- imagine what you could accomplish if you did . . . ?
The homework thing?
The homework thing. I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it. Amazingly enough, I don't care. I know you can excel in this class and so I expect no less. Is that clear?
Okay. Sorry.
Don't be sorry, be smart. He holds glasses out in front of him, making sure they're clean. We see Buffy through the glasses.
And please don't listen to the Principal or anyone else's negative opinions about you. Let's make 'em eat that permanent record, what do you say?
Uh . . . thanks? A moment, which he breaks, a slight smile on his lips:
Chapters six through eight. She exits. He folds his glasses, places them next to the praying mantis on the display table. Humming to himself, he turns out the lights again, darkening the room. HEARS a noise. Looks over his right shoulder: nothing. He goes and starts looking over some slides on the wall. Until, from the left, a HUGE and HORRIFYING MANTIS FORELEG jackknifes open and sinks it's SHARP SPINES into his neck. We don't see much of the creature beyond the terrible forelegs -- but it's big, it's ugly, and it isn't very nice. He's RIPPED OUT OF FRAME, banging into the display table. His glasses fall to the floor -- one lens cracks -- reflected in the glasses, we see Dr. Gregory struggling futilely in the horrible monster's grasp -- along with CRACKING and CRUNCHING SOUNDS. Something's having supper. BLACK OUT.
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| Act One |
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INT. BRONZE - NIGHT A decent crowd tonight. The band that was backing Xander up in his fantasy is playing. Xander is on the edge of the crowd, near the stage. He looks about for some familiar faces. Looks up at one of the band members, gives him a high sign and a smile like they're best buds. The band member ignores him. Slightly sheepishly, he moves away from the dance floor, still searching for his buds. ANGLE: FROM THE BALCONY As we look down on Xander wandering, we TILT UP to find Buffy and Willow in mid-conversation at one of the tables up here.
Dr. Gregory didn't chew me out or anything. He was really cool. But Flutie showed him my permanent record. Apparently I fall somewhere between Charles Manson and a really bad person.
And you can't tell Dr. Gregory what really happened at your old school?
I was fighting vampires? I'm thinking he might not believe me.
Yeah, he probably gets that excuse all the time. Cordelia approaches.
Here lies a problem. What used to be my table occupied by pitiful losers. Of course we'll have to burn it.
Sad, you have so many memories here. You and Lawrence, you and Mark, you and John. You spent the better part of your "J" through "M" here. Cordelia gives a look and moves on. ANGLE: COUCHES NEAR COFFEE BAR Blayne and football buds are lounging.
Seven. Including Cheryl. I tell you though, her sister was looking to make it eight.
Cheryl's sister? The one in college? Xander appears at the edges of the group.
Home for the holidays and looking for love. Not my type, though. Girl's really gotta have something to go with me.
Something like a lobotomy?
Xander. How many times've you scored?
Well . . .
Just a question.
Are we talking today or the whole week? Uh oh, duty calls. Xander moves to intercept Buffy and Willow, who are coming down the stairs. He throws his arms around the two of them, saying loudly:
Babes . . .
What are you doing?
Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just giving him a visual.
(clutching Xander tighter) We'll show him.
(looking off) I don't believe it.
I know. And after all my conquests-- Buffy steps away, toward the door. Framed in the doorway is ANGEL, standing half in the shadows. Xander and Willow watch her head for him.
Who's that?
That must be Angel. I think.
That weird guy? That warned her about the vampires?
That's him, I'll bet you.
(a little plaintively) Well, he's buff. She never said anything about him being buff.
You think he's buff?
(angry) He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up? CUT TO: EXT. RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BRONZE - CONTINUOUS Buffy approaches Angel, distrust on her face.
Well, look who's here.
Hi.
I'd say it's nice to see you but we both know that's a big fib.
I won't stay long.
No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe and then disappear into the night. Right?
You're cold.
You can take it.
I mean you look cold. Angel takes off his leather jacket. ANGLE - XANDER AND WILLOW INSIDE Watching Angel slip the jacket on Buffy. Xander no longer has his arm around Willow.
Oh right, give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, nobody needs to be trading clothing out there.
I don't think she even likes him . . . ANGLE - BUFFY AND ANGEL OUTSIDE
(re: jacket) Little big on me. She sees a recent and unusual wound on Angel's (now bare) arm -- three long and parallel cuts -- like a tiger's claw. Her attitude changes to one of concern.
What happened?
I didn't pay attention.
To somebody with a big fork?
He's coming.
The fork guy?
Don't let him corner you. And don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Okay, I give you improved marks. Ripping the throat out: non-cryptic, it's a strong visual . . . He almost smiles.
I have to go. He walks off, disappears around a corner. She stares after him.
Sweet dreams to you, too. After a moment she heads back into the Bronze. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY - ESTABLISHING
That's all he said, "Fork" guy? EXT. THE QUAD - DAY Kids socialize between classes. Buffy talks to Giles, Willow reads a science book.
That's all. "Cryptic" guy said "Fork" guy.
I think there's too many guys in your life. (she gives him a look) I'll see what I can find out. (gazes at sky with loathing) God, every day here is the same.
Bright, sunny, beautiful. How can we escape this torment? (Alternate line, in case it's raining, foggy or dark.
(gazes at sky) Reminds me of home.
Dark, dank, dreary. You must be so happy. He gives her a look, shoves off.) Xander saunters up as Giles exits.
Guess what I just over-heard in the office. No Dr. Gregory today. Ergo those of us who blew off our Science homework . . . (shuts Willow's book) . . . are not as dumb as we look.
What happened, is he sick?
They didn't say anything about sick -- something about . . . missing.
He's missing?
Hold on, let me think, the cheerleaders were modeling the new short skirts and I kinda got . . . yeah, I think they said missing. Xander reads Buffy's concern, turns to Willow.
Which is bad.
If something's wrong, yeah.
He's one of the only teachers who doesn't think Buffy is a felon.
(to Buffy) I'm really sorry. I'm sure he'll -- iya-hoo. Xander sees something O.S. that chills his bacon. Buffy and Willow follow his gaze. THEIR POV - BEAUTY SHOT NATALIE FRENCH, late twenties, heart-stopper. Xander and every other boy on campus can't take their eyes off her. She slows as she passes Xander, turns, stops.
Could you help me?
Egguh -- yes.
I'm looking for Science one oh nine.
Sure. It's, uh . . . I go there everyday -- (to Buffy and Willow) -- oh god, where is it? Blayne steps in front of Xander.
Hi. Blayne Mall. I'm going there right now. It's not far from the Varsity Field where I took all city last year . . .
Thank you, Blayne. She gives Xander a dazzling smile, heads off with Blayne.
Funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY A lovely hand writes "NATALIE FRENCH" on the board as students enter, take their seats. Buffy and Willow walk towards their desks. Something catches Buffy's eye. She stops, turns back; Willow watches her pick Dr. Gregory's glasses off the floor. Buffy notes the cracked lens.
What's wrong.
If he dropped his glasses why didn't he pick them up? Buffy puts them on the display table and they take their seats. Natalie turns from the board as the class settles. Amongst the students are Xander and Blayne.
My name is Natalie French, I'll be substituting for Dr. Gregory.
Do you know when he's coming back?
No I don't . . . (looks at seating chart) Buffy. They just call and tell me where they want me.
(sotto) I'll tell you where I want you . . .
Excuse me, Blayne?
I was just wondering if you were going to pick up where Dr. Gregory left off.
Yes, his notes tell me you were right in the middle of insect life. Natalie picks up the praying mantis in its little case.
The praying mantis is a fascinating creature, forced to live alone. Who can tell me why -- Buffy? Buffy looks at the mantis.
Well, the words "bug ugly" kinda spring to mind. Natalie's eyes suddenly go cold.
There's nothing ugly about these unique creatures. The reason they live alone is because they're cannibals. General "ee-yews" from the class.
(to class) It's hardly their fault -- it's the way Nature designed them: noble, solitary . . . Buffy and Willow exchange a look -- this broad's weird -- Xander, Blayne and the boys are all transfixed -- and not by what she's saying.
And prolific: over eighteen hundred species worldwide. In nearly all of them the female is larger and more aggressive than the male.
Nothing wrong with an aggressive female. Natalie picks up a text.
The California Mantis lays her eggs and then finds a mate . . . She walks past Xander, giving him a warm smile on the word "mate". He looks up at her, oh so ready to be that mate.
. . . to fertilize them. Once he's played his part, she covers the eggs in a protective sack and attaches them to a leaf or a twig, out of danger. Natalie shows them a COLOR PHOTO of a MANTIS EGG SACK -- a gooey cocoon-like sack 'o eggs.
If she's done her job correctly, in a few months she'll have several hundred offspring. Natalie pauses in front of a BULLETIN BOARD that announces: SCIENCE FAIR PROJECTS DUE BY THE 18th.
We should make some model egg sacks for the Science Fair. Who'd like to help me do that after school? I warn you, it's a delicate art, I'd have to work with you very closely, one on one . . . Every male hand in the class shoots up. Natalie smiles. INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY Lunch time. CAFETERIA WORKERS ladle out vile piles of weenie casserole. Buffy, Xander, Willow are in line; on the BULLETIN BOARD: TODAY'S SPECIAL -- HOT DOG SURPRISE.
Hot dog surprise . . . be still my heart.
Call me old fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs . . . Xander admires himself in the stainless steel finish of the food service counter.
I wonder what she sees in me . . . He looks over to see if Buffy is listening. She's not.
Probably just the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism. Now Buffy and Willow are looking at him.
Miss French. You two might be a little young to understand what an older woman sees in a younger man.
Oh I understand.
Good.
A younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements.
I'm not too dumb to . . . what surgical improvements? Buffy and Willow exchange a look.
Well, he is young.
And so terribly innocent.
Those who can, do. Those who can't laugh at those who . . . can do. Blayne, tray piled high, moves past Xander.
Gotta carb up for my one on one with Miss French today. When's yours? Oh right, tomorrow. You came in second and I came in first. I guess that's what they call natural selection.
I guess that's what they call rehearsal. Blayne moves off; Xander, pleased with his comeback, turns to Willow and Buffy, blows imaginary smoke from an imaginary gun. Cordelia shoves her way past them --
Excuse you . . . -- heading for the INDUSTRIAL SIZE fridge behind the food line. She flashes a prescription (like a badge) at a WORKER.
. . . medically prescribed lunch, my doctor ships it daily, I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath . . . She whips open the door and the HEADLESS BODY of Dr. Gregory is wedged inside. Cordelia, cafeteria workers and various kids SCREAM in horror! Willow and Xander react -- Buffy quickly moves up, looks down at the corpse -- we won't see the gore but we do see the name on his white lab coat: DR. GREGORY. Off Buffy, INT. LIBRARY - DAY Water is poured into a glass from a small pitcher. We widen to reveal Giles, who brings the glass over to Buffy. She is sitting with Willow, Xander pacing nearby.
Here. Drink this.
(taking it) No thank you. She says it as absently as she drinks the water. She's elsewhere.
I've never seen . . . I mean, I've never seen anything like . . . that was new.
Who would want to hurt Dr. Gregory?
He had no enemies on the staff that I know of. He was a civilized man. I liked him.
(small voice) So did I.
Well, we're gonna find out who did this. We'll find them and we'll stop them.
Count on it.
What do we know? Buffy rises, focused now.
Not a lot. He was killed on campus, I'm guessing. The same day we last saw him.
How do you know?
Didn't change his clothes.
This is a question nobody particularly wants to hear, but, where did they put his head?
Good point. I didn't want to hear that.
Angel. He warned me something was coming.
(remembering) Yes. Yes he did and I wish I knew what he meant. (grabbing a text) All I could locate was an oblique reference to a vampire who displeased the Master and cut off his hand for penance.
Cut off his hand and replaced it with a fork?
Wow, I've heard of eating disorders, but . . .
I don't know what he replaced it with.
Why would that guy come after a teacher?
I'm not certain he did. There was an incident two nights ago with a homeless man in Weatherly Park. He was practically shredded. But nothing like Dr. Gregory.
Fork guy doesn't do heads.
No.
And Dr. Gregory's blood wasn't drained.
So there's something else out there? Besides silverware man? This is fun. We're on Monster Island.
We don't know it's something else. This fellow is still our likeliest suspect.
Where was that guy killed? Weatherly Park?
Buffy, I know you're upset. But this is not the time to go hunting. Not until we know more. Promise me you won't do anything rash.
Cross my heart. SMASH CUT TO: BUFFY OUT THERE ALONE - EXT. WEATHERLY PARK - NIGHT Houses ring the park. The sidewalks are pretty deserted this time of night. Buffy, dressed for hunting, crosses the street, quickly and gracefully vaults the locked fence next to the sign: WEATHERLY PARK - CLOSES AT 10:00 P.M. She moves cautiously through the spooky trees and bushes. She HEARS a sound, spins into a Fu crouch as a LARGE FIGURE stumbles out of the bushes -- HOMELESS GUY with a bottle in a paper bag.
(drunk) Shouldn't be here at night l'il lady, s'dangerous. They veer off in opposite directions. She spots something on the ground -- a body! She runs to it, kneels down: it's just ANOTHER HOMELESS GUY sleeping. Buffy hunts on, passing some thick foliage growing up over some large rocks. She stops, moves back: something about the foliage bugs her. She pokes at it -- it's loose -- she pulls it back, revealing a SMALL STORM DRAIN. Someone wants to keep this tunnel entrance a secret. Buffy peers into the round hole and the blackness within. That's when AN ARM shoots out of the darkness -- an arm with three sharp claws where the hand should be. She drops to the ground -- the claws shredding her jacket -- and out of the tunnel comes one bad mother of a vampire. Long hair, wild eyes, we'll call him CLAW. He takes a big swipe at her face, she uses her feet to trip him. As he falls to the ground she leaps to her feet, body stomps him -- WHAM, WHAM, WHAM -- whips out a stake and dives. He rolls -- the stakes sinks into the earth. He grabs her from behind, his claw inching towards her throat. She stomps on his insole, elbows him in the gut, turns and kicks him hard in the knee. He grabs it in pain.
Hold it! Police! Sounds of people coming, lots of flashlights. Claw bolts into the underbrush. Buffy, winded and hurt, crawls out of sight as the Homeless Guy (really a cop), gun out, bursts onto the scene followed by THREE UNIFORMED COPS.
I heard him -- spread out! The homeless guy and the cops move into the foliage. EXT. PARK - NIGHT The opposite side from where Buffy entered. A WOMAN (we don't see her face) carrying two grocery bags, walks down the sidewalk. Her heels CLICK-CLACK in the night. We can HEAR COPS SHOUTING on the other side of the park, but it's pretty distant. ANGLE - STALKING CAM Shooting through the fence -- something is stalking the woman. She's oblivious. REVERSE ANGLE - CLAW Sees his next meal. He scampers up the fence with frightening speed. A beat later, Buffy appears out of the trees, sees what's happening, bolts for the fence. ANGLE - THE SIDEWALK The woman walks on as Claw drops into frame RIGHT BEHIND HER. She turns, it's sexy substitute teacher Natalie French. Buffy, racing for the fence, sees Claw do something unexpected -- he sniffs Natalie, pulls back in REAL TERROR and runs (we now see -- only now -- he's limping, thanks to Buffy's kick) into the street, diving for the nearest sewer gutter which he slithers into, disappearing from sight. ANGLE - BUFFY STOPS IN THE SHADOWS Unseen, she watches Natalie, unfazed, continue on her way. Off Buffy wondering what kind of ju-ju this babe has, BLACK OUT.
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| Act Two |
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EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Another sunny day in paradise.
You went hunting last night. INT. GILES' OFFICE -DAY
Yep.
. . . when you promised me you wouldn't.
Yeah, I lied, I'm a bad person. Let's move on.
Did you see someone with a fork?
(nods) More like a jumbo claw.
Oh, well, at least you weren't hurt.
And I saw something else, something much more interesting than your run-of-the-mill killer vampire.
What was that?
Do you know Miss French, the teacher who's substituting for Dr. Gregory?
Oh, she's lovely . . . (off Buffy's look) . . . in a common, extremely well-proportioned sort of way.
I'm chasing clawguy last night, we're on the street . . .
Yes?
And Miss Well-Proportioned is heading home, I figure she's his next meal. He takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover.
He what? Ran away?
He was petrified.
Of Miss French.
Yes! So I'm an undead monster who can shave with his hand -- how many things am I afraid of?
Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.
So what is her deal?
I think it would be a good idea to keep an eye on her.
Then I'd better get to class. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALL OUTSIDE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY Buffy moves down the hall, fast. PRINCIPAL FLUTIE steps out of his office, sees her, grabs her.
You were there, you saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you?
You mean yesterday in the cafeteria, after he was --
(looking around) Don't say "dead", or decapitated, or decomposing. I would stay away from "d" words all together. But you witnessed the event so this way please.
I've gotta . . . I'll be late for biology.
Extremely late. You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor. He takes her arm, leads her toward an office.
I really don't need --
We all need help with our feelings, otherwise we bottle them up and before you know it powerful laxatives are involved. He parks her outside the Counselor's Office. The door is open and we can see CORDELIA talking to an unseen counselor.
I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug -- but not a real hug, there's no touching in this school, we're sensitive to wrong touching.
But I really feel okay.
No you talk to the counselor and start the healing. You have to heal.
(starts to leave) Mr. Flutie, I --
(as to a dog) Heal. Flutie retreats. Buffy sighs, waits her turn. Buffy listens to Cordelia, and we: CUT TO: INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS We are close on Cordelia as she unburdens herself.
. . . it was . . . let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday . . . I think I lost like seven and a half ounces -- way swifter than the so-called diet that quack put me on -- (off counselor's unseen look) -- oh, I'm not saying we should kill a teacher everyday just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes we have to look on the bright side -- you know, like how even a used Mercedes still has leather seats. Off Buffy, we cut to: INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY Xander, Willow and the rest of the class are taking a test. Buffy and Blayne are missing. Natalie moves down the aisle.
Keep your eyes straight ahead, on your own test . . . She stops next to Xander, leans down, puts her GORGEOUS, POUTING LIPS two inches from his ear.
I think you meant "pollination" for number fourteen. Xander looks up at her gratefully, changes the answer.
I'll see you here after school. She delicately puts a hand on his shoulder. His breathing comes a little quicker. INT. HALL OUTSIDE BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY Buffy moves up to the door, looks through the window at the class, bummed.
Great, a pop quiz. She looks at BLAYNE'S EMPTY SEAT. Then at Natalie (her back to the door) her hand on Xander's shoulder. As if sensing Buffy, Natalie straightens up, then slowly and IMPOSSIBLY (SPECIAL EFFECT) cranks her head around a hundred and eighty degrees -- a demi-second before she'd be seen, Buffy takes a shocked step backwards, out of sight. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Giles pours over texts, looks up as Buffy and Willow enter.
(to Willow) No, no I'm not saying she craned her neck, it was the full-on exorcist twist.
Ouch.
Which reminds me, how come Blayne who worked with her "one on one" yesterday, isn't here today?
Inquiring minds want to know. Willow moves to the computer. Buffy turns to Giles.
Any luck?
I haven't found any creature just yet that strikes terror in a vampire's heart -- I'm not sure I want to.
Try looking under "Things That Can Turn Their Heads All The Way Around".
Nothing human can do that.
No. Nothing human. But there's some insects that can. (beat, determined) Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her. Willow and Giles both look up as she heads for the stacks.
What are you going to do?
(turns back) My homework. She disappears into the stack, only to return a second later.
Where's the books on bugs? INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY PAN ACROSS an OPEN TEXT. The COLOR PHOTO of the EGG SACKS. PAN from the book to a MODEL of the egg sacks, two feet long. Natalie traces her hand across the model, gently, almost lovingly, then moves to a small fridge, takes out bread, low fat mayo and a small covered tub marked "Food". She spreads the mayo on the bread and is reaching for the "Food" tub when Xander enters.
Oh, hi. I was just grabbing a snack. Can I make you something?
No thanks, I never eat when I'm making egg sacks. (re: egg sack model) Wow, if these were real, the bugs'd be . . .
Big as you.
Yeah. So where do we start?
Oh Xander, I've done something really stupid, I hope you can forgive me.
Forgiveness is my middle name -- actually it's LaVelle -- I'd appreciate it if you'd guard that secret with your life.
(smiles then:) I have a teacher conference in half an hour and I left the paint and paper mache' at home. I don't suppose you'd want to come to my place tonight and work on it there.
Come to . . . your place? FLASH CUT - XANDER IN HIS GUITAR GOD POSE, HITS A POWER CHORD BACK TO SCENE
It'd just be the two of us. I'd feel more comfortable there, you know, about letting my hair down. She lasers him with a steamy look.
Right, that's important, 'cause when your hair's not down it's . . . up.
It's a date then. Seven-thirty. (hands him paper) Here's my address. (I want you) I'll see you tonight. They trade a meaningful look, he turns his back, heads for the door. She opens the tub marked "Food". Inside: live crickets. She sprinkles several on the bread. INT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY Xander exits, does a MIGHTY VICTORY DANCE -- this is it!
Yessss!! INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - SAME TIME As Miss French bites contentedly into her sandwich. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Willow's at the computer, Giles pours over texts. Buffy charges out of the stacks, book in hand, featuring PHOTOS of the praying mantis.
Dig this -- "the praying mantis can rotate it's head a hundred and eighty degrees while waiting for a meal to wander by . . ." Hah! (off their looks) Well, come on guys. Hah!
Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug.
She is also, by and large, woman-shaped.
Factoid one: only the praying mantis can turn it's head like that. Factoid two: a pretty wacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid three: her fashion sense screams predator.
It's the shoulder pads.
Exactly.
If you're right, she'd have to be a shapeshifter, or perception distorter . . . (making a connection) Half a moment . . . I had a chum at Oxford, Carlyle, advanced degrees in entomology and mythology . . .
Whosy and whatsy?
Bugs and fairy tales.
I knew that.
If I recall correctly, poor Carlyle, just before he went mad, claimed there was a beast --
(re: computer) Buffy, nine one one. Blayne's mom called the school, he never came home last night.
The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday?
Yeah. If Miss French is responsible for . . . Xander's supposed to be helping her right now . . . he's got a crush on a giant insect!
Let's not panic, I'll warn him. I need you to stretch your hacker muscles and see if you can get something from the Coroner's office.
What are we looking for?
Autopsy on Dr. Gregory. I've been trying to figure out the marks I saw on his corpse -- I'm thinking they might have been teeth -- and these cuddlies . . . She shows Willow a picture of HORRIBLE MANTIS TEETH.
. . . should definitely be brushing after every meal. (to Giles) You were saying something about a beast?
(nods) I just have to make one trans-Atlantic phone call. (heads for phone; stops) This computer invasion Willow's performing on the Coroner's office -- one assumes it's entirely legal?
Of course -- -- entirely.
So I wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Good idea. Buffy grabs her jacket (the one Angel gave her), heads out. EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Late in the day. Xander, in the best mood, strolls out of school, humming a little tune. Buffy, wearing the jacket, catches up with him.
Hey.
Hey.
So how'd it go with Miss French after school?
Well, it's a little demanding being her . . . absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll just have to muddle through.
Xander, she's not what she seems.
I know, she's so much more.
Look, I have to tell you some stuff about her and I really need you to listen, okay? Xander stops, listens respectfully.
Okay.
I don't think she's human. She can do the twisty with her head -- ever see the Exorcist? Plus Blayne, who was last seen in her class yesterday afternoon, is now missing.
I see. So she's not human she's . . .?
Technically I guess you'd have to call her a big old bug. (Xander smiles) I know it sounds a little weird but --
(laughs) It's not weird, it's perfectly understandable. I've met someone, you're jealous.
I'm not --
Nothing I could do about it. There's just a certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
I know, I just read about it, it's called, uh, a pheromone, this chemical attractant insects give off.
SHE'S NOT AN INSECT!! -- okay? She's a woman. Hard as it may be for you to conceive, a human woman finds me attractive. I realize she's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets -- and while we're on the subject, what kinda girly-name is Angel anyway?
What's that got to do with --
Nothing! It just bugs me. (beat) I really gotta . . . (he takes off)
Xander . . . INT. NATALIE FRENCH'S HOUSE - NIGHT Candles, romantic light. She's wearing a knockout dress, pouring martinis when there's a knock at the front door. She opens it, revealing Xander.
Hi, come on in. He can't help but stare at the low-cut dress.
Oh, should I change, is it too . . .?
No, no. It's the most beautiful chest -- dress! -- I've ever seen.
Thank you, that's sweet. Martini? She offers him a glass. He hesitates.
I'm sorry, would you like something else? I just need to relax a little, I'm kind of nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber.
(mile a minute) I like cucumbers -- you know in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt -- you like Greek food? I'm exempting schwarma here, what is that all about, big meat hive . . . (grabs glass, drains it) Hehh-looo.
(clinks his empty glass) Cheers. (moves close) Can I ask you a personal question? Have you ever been with a woman before?
You mean like, in the same room --
(closer still) You know what I mean.
Oh, that. Well, let me think, there was . . . several, you know, I mean quite a few times that . . . and then there was . . . she was so incredibly . . . no.
(touching his hair, face) I know, I can tell.
You can?
I like it. You might say I need it.
Well, needs are, you know, needs should definitely be met as long as they don't require ointments the next day or -- Dimly in the b.g., Xander HEARS someone yelling "help me!"
Do you hear --
No.
Sounds like somebody crying for --
I don't hear anything. Your hands are so . . . (takes his hands) . . . hot. Xander stares at her, then down at his hands, looking a little woozy. FLASHBACK - TO XANDER'S FANTASY SEQUENCE When Buffy took his hand.
You hurt your hand . . . BACK TO SCENE Now he's looking very woozy, downright drugged.
Buffy. I love Buffy . . . wow, so that's a martini, huh? Again the distant YELLING, "somebody help me!"
Are you sure somebody's not --
Would you like to touch me with those hands? He looks down -- her HANDS stroking HIS.
Your hands are really . . . SPECIAL FX - HER FOREARM AND ONE OF HER HANDS Suddenly ripple, turn MANTIS-LIKE.
. . . serrated? That drink must have, I think I need to . . . Xander passes out, hitting the floor with a THUNK. Natalie bends down -- TWO SERRATED FORELEGS SLIDE UNDER XANDER'S FEET ANGLE - CELLAR DOOR Xander's torso is pulled out of sight. BLACK OUT.
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| Act Three |
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INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - DARK ANGLE ON Xander, as he comes awake, looking groggily at his surroundings. Welcome to hell, which we will photograph tastefully as far as the gore is concerned. The HORRIBLE SHE-MANTIS, tending to some eggs, still dimly seen, shuffles about in the b.g. PAN a row of small barred cages. In a couple, we see bodies -- sans heads. In the distance he can make out the shape -- but not the features -- of the Mantis-creature. Xander swallows hard, tries to find his voice:
Miss . . . French? To his horror, Natalie's voice (treated) emanates from the:
Please, call me Natalie. Off Xander, EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT Dark, deserted, the only lights are coming from the library. INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT Giles is on the phone -- the fury of the once great English Empire in his voice.
Young lady, I don't care what time it is, unlock his cell, unstrap him and bring him to the phone this instant. Lives are at stake!
(at computer) Got it. (Buffy joins her) Coroner's autopsy, complete with . . . (turning away) . . . yuck, color pictures. Buffy studies the screen (we don't see the pictures).
They are teeth marks . . . (re: mantis in text book) . . . which match perfectly the one insect that nips off its prey's head.
Okay, this I do not like . . .
It's the way they feed: head first. And the way they mate -- (re: book) The female eats the male's head while they're . . .
(losing it) No, no see, Xander is, I really like his head, that's where you find his eyes and hair, his adorable smile . . .
Take it easy, Will, Xander's not in any immediate danger. I saw him leave school -- I'm sure he's safe and sound at home right now. INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT Xander, keeping an eye on the She-Mantis in b.g., backs into the farthest corner of his cage -- A HAND darts in from the DARK CAGE next to him.
Yaahhhh! He looks in the cage, makes out:
Blayne -- Blayne, a blubbering mass of terror, cowers in his cage.
Oh god, oh god, oh god . . .
Are you --
You gotta get me outta here, you gotta . . . she, she gets you and . . .
What? What does she do?
No, no, no, no . . . Xander gets his hands through the cage, shakes Blayne.
Blayne! What does she do?
She . . .she takes you out of the cage and ties you up then she, like, starts throbbing and moving and all these eggs come shooting out of her -- and then . . .
What? Then what?
She mates with you!
She . . .?
That's not the worst part.
(deadpan) It's not?
Have you seen her teeth? Right while she's -- right in the middle of -- I SAW HER DO IT! He points to a body in a nearby cage. Xander looks from the body to the Mantis-bitch as she delicately hangs the jellied EGG SACK from a ceiling rafter.
I don't want to die like that!
Blayne . . . Blayne! Chill. Listen to me, we're gonna get out of this.
You got a plan? What is it?
(doesn't have a clue) Let me just perfect it . . .
(cracking again) Oh god, oh god, oh god . . . INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT Giles is on the phone.
I understand, Carlyle, I'll take every precaution . . . It sounds just like the creature you described. You were right all along, about everything. (beat) No you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Dachshund, but . . . Try to rest. Ta. He hangs up, moves quickly to Buffy and Willow.
Dr. Carlyle Ferris spent years transcribing a lost, pre-Germanic language -- what he discovered he kept to himself, until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswalds. Then he went hunting for it.
"It" being . . .?
He calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes-Virgo or virgin-thief appears in many cultures: the Greek Sirens, the Celtic Sea-maidens who tore the living flesh from the bones of --
Giles, while we're young.
The She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
(to Willow, comforting) Well, Xander's not a . . . I mean he's probably --
-- going to die! Willow grabs a phone, dials in b.g. as Buffy stretches out her fingers and arms, preparing for battle.
This thing is breeding. We gotta find it and snuff it. Any tips on the snuffing part?
Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade.
Slice and dice.
Whatever you do it's got to be sudden and swift -- this beast is dangerous.
Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, he's still around.
Yes . . . in a straight jacket howling his innards out day and night.
Okay Admiral, way to inspire the troops. Willow slams down the phone.
Xander's not home -- he told his mom he had to go to his teacher's house and work on a science project. He didn't tell her where.
See if you can get her address off the substitute rolls. Willow bolts to the computer.
(to Giles) You gotta record some bat sonar, fast.
Bat sonar. Right. What?
Bats eat them -- a praying mantis hears sonar, its whole nervous system goes kaplooie.
Where am I going to find --
-- in the vid library. I know it's not books but it's still dark and musty, you'll be right at home. She points him toward the back of the stacks and the door marked VIDEOS.
I'll handle the armory. INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT She-Mantis shuffles in the b.g. IN THE CAGES, Xander struggles with a bar that separates his cage from Blayne's.
What are you -- don't do anything that'll make her mad. Xander ignores Blayne, shoves and pulls until a three foot hunk of bar comes loose.
Hey, all right. Now I can get out of my cage . . . (realizing) . . . into yours. What'd you do that for?
(hefting bar) A weapon.
I think you're going to need it. THEIR POV - THE SHE-MANTIS is coming for them. INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT The printer cranks out a NAME and ADDRESS: NATALIE FRENCH, 837 WEATHERLY DRIVE, SUNNYDALE, CALIFORNIA. Buffy, dressed for fighting, equipment bag in hand, runs in. Willow waits at the printer.
Getting her address . . .
Giles! Giles emerges from the video library -- hands her his micro cassette recorder.
Recording bat sonar is so soothingly like having one's teeth drilled. Willow rips the paper out of the printer.
Let's roll. As they race for the door:
According to Miss French's personnel records, she was born in nineteen oh seven -- she's like ninety years old.
She is terribly well-preserved. And they're gone. INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT Xander and Blayne cower in their cages as SHE steps out of the shadows and we get our first good look at her huge, hideous face: the triangular head with large compound eyes, the antennae, the collection of sharp mouth parts designed to maul and sever. She stops in front of Blayne's cage. He screams, scrambles for the back -- squeezes through into Xander's cage.
He did that, he broke the cage, take him not me, take him!! She turns her insect head and gazes at Xander. He looks back at her, trying to keep his terror down, the iron bar gripped tightly behind his back. EXT. THE REAL MRS. FRENCH'S HOUSE - NIGHT The Giles-mobile, possibly an older model Citroen, roars to a stop in front of 837 WEATHERLY, a modest, well-kempt home. Giles is behind the wheel. They pile out. ANGLE: THE FRONT DOOR As they approach it.
What now? I mean we can't just kick down the front door.
Yes, that would be wrong. She's already bracing to kick it as she speaks. Just as she's about to kick it in, it's opened by the SWEETEST LITTLE OLD LADY. We'll call her the REAL MISS FRENCH. She's ninety.
Hello dear, I thought I heard . . . are you selling something? Because I'd love to help out but you know I'm on a fixed income.
I'm looking for Miss French.
I'm Miss French.
Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher.
Goodness, that's me. I taught for over thirty years, then I retired in nineteen seventy-two . . . Buffy turns to Willow.
She used Miss French's records to get in the school -- bite me, she could be anywhere.
No, I'm right here, dear. INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT The SHE-MANTIS raises a terrible, spiny foreleg -- Blayne scurries to the farthest corner of the cage. Xander holds his ground as she points her foreleg first at Blayne, then at Xander, then at Blayne, etc.
(deadpan) What's she doing?
I . . . think it's . . . eenie, meenie, mynie . . . And, as her foreleg settles on Xander -- the chosen one.
. . . moe. Off Xander BLACK OUT.
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| Act Four |
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INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT She unlocks the cage, opens the door, reaches in for him.
(to keep her from touching him) I'm coming, I'm coming. He steps out -- and swings the iron bar at her -- hard. It THUNKS into her body. He runs like hell. Almost makes the stairs before he's pincered by a powerful foreleg, lifted in the air and slammed to the ground, wind knocked out of him. EXT. THE REAL MISS FRENCH'S HOUSE - NIGHT Buffy heads to the street, looking at WEATHERLY PARK across the way. Giles and Willow follow her, unsure of the next move.
What do you do now?
Abject prayer and supplication spring to mind.
I saw her walking past this park. Carrying grocery bags. She lives in this neighborhood. They look up and down the street. THEIR POV - A LOT OF HOUSES Willow, pretty upset, heads off in the direction of the house next to the Real Miss French's.
I'm gonna start banging on doors.
(stops her) We don't have time for that.
We have to do something!
We will. Buffy grabs a hefty length of rope from her equipment bag, heads into the street towards the rain gutter.
I won't be long. And before they can stop her, she's lowered herself into the gutter and disappeared from sight.
Buffy! INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT Xander's hands are held fast in leather or rope shackles. The She-Mantis stands nearby eyeing him. BLAYNE IN HIS CAGE Quietly, insanely, watching.
Oh yeah, here it comes . . .
What, what's happening?!
How do you like your eggs, bro, over easy or sunny side up?
Eggs? She's going to lay some . . .? Xander looks at the monster, it almost smiles. EXT. STREET NEXT TO WEATHERLY PARK - NIGHT Giles and Willow wait anxiously.
Come on Buffy . . . EXT. WEATHERLY PARK - NIGHT CAMERA PUSHES in on the SMALL STORM DRAIN where Buffy was attacked by Claw. We HEAR sounds of a struggle. The foliage covering the storm drain is thrust aside and Claw, SNARLING, is thrown out on his face, his hands tied behind his back. Buffy emerges from the drain, drags him to his feet (he's over his limp).
You.
Me. She gives him a none-too-gentle shove down the path. INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT We see the She-Mantis breathing hard, PAN to the fresh BATCH OF EGGS next to her body and find Xander. PUSH IN on Xander. FLASHBACK - XANDER IN BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY
The California Mantis lays her eggs and then finds a mate . . . She walks past Xander, giving him a warm smile on the word "mate". He looks up at her, oh so ready to be that mate. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - NIGHT - CLOSE CLAW His hands bound behind him trying to close one of his razor talons on the rope. Buffy shoves Claw (very fast) past houses. Willow and Giles keep their distance.
Which house, where is she? They pass more houses.
You're not afraid of much, but you're afraid of her -- They pass more houses.
-- and her cold blood . . . Suddenly Claw's face fills with fear, he struggles mightily in Buffy's grasp. Buffy follows his gaze to a small house, white picket fence. She drags him closer -- he growls and cringes even more.
Better than radar . . . She sees a SMALL CELLAR window next to the driveway. The only light in the house is coming from her. ANGLE - HE'S GOT A CLAW ON ONE OF THE ROPES NOW Willow sees Claw cutting through the rope.
Buffy!
Run! Indeed, Buffy does run with Claw right on her heels. She dives at the white picket fence, gets her hands on the slats as he grabs her from behind. He closes in for the kill. She rips the slat loose and uses it to pierce his heart. We don't see the gore but we do see the surprise on his face before he crumbles to dust. Giles and Willow are staring, somewhat shocked, as Buffy heads up to the house.
You guys coming? INT. NATALIE'S CELLAR - NIGHT Xander, still tethered, watches in horror as the She-Mantis lowers her ghastly face towards him. He struggles futilely. It's the grossest thing that has ever happened to him, until, through teeth dripping with unspeakable fluids, she says:
Kiss me. Xander struggles to keep a grasp on his sanity as that horrible mouth moves closer and closer.
Can I just say one thing? (she seems to hesitate) HEELLLLPPPP!! Blayne looks away in his cage. As she engulfs Xander in her horrible body, the SMALL FLOOR WINDOW behind her is kicked in. Buffy drops in, equipment bag in hand.
Let him go. The She-Mantis HISSES, heads for Buffy who grabs two large spray cans out of her bag. Buffy raises the spray cans -- we SEE A PICTURE OF A DEAD BUG -- and the words KILLS GARDEN PESTS FAST! on them. Buffy blasts her with both barrels -- two clouds of insect spray hit her in the face. She HOWLS, and retreats with alarming speed into the dark recesses of the cellar. Giles and Willow drop in through the cellar window, run to Xander, free him. Blayne starts screaming from his cage:
Help me! Help me!!
(to the others) Get him out. The bug is mine. She advances into the darkness. ANGLE: THE DARK PART OF THE CELLAR Moving very slowly, she pulls her machete from her bag and her tape recorder from her pocket with the other. She talks to the shadows:
Remember Dr. Gregory -- you scarfed his head? He taught me if you do your homework you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this: Buffy punches play.
(on recorder) ". . . extremely important to file not simply alphabetically by author . . ."
Giles!
That's the wrong side! The She-Mantis comes SCREECHING from the shadows and knocks the recorder out of Buffy's hand, sends it skittering across the floor and under an old refrigerator. Giles runs to the refrigerator, trying to retrieve it. ANGLE: THE DARK PART OF THE CELLAR The She-Mantis swings again -- Buffy jumps -- the foreleg slicing, just missing Buffy's legs. Buffy raises the machete with both arms and swings it through the air -- She cuts the Mantis. The Mantis howls with rage and pain. Xander retrieves the bug spray as Willow tries to open Blayne's cage. Xander comes into the dark and -- -- blasts the She-Mantis with the spray. She howls, turns on him --
Xander, get out! She pushes him back. The She-Mantis seizes the moment of Buffy's distraction to SLAM Buffy to the ground with a foreleg, the machete skittering away. She raises her foreleg, intent on cutting Buffy's head off. Giles retrieves the recorder, hits buttons. A HIGH-PITCHED SOUND reverberates through the room: bat sonar. The She-Mantis SCREECHES, howls and shakes her head -- the sonar is driving her bat-shit. Buffy KICKS and TRIPS the mantis up. It falls to the ground as Buffy picks up the machete.
Bat sonar makes your whole nervous system go to hell. You can go there with it. She raises the machete high over her head and brings it down -- we PAN AWAY from any gore to THE WALL where we see BUFFY IN SILHOUETTE hack this thing to pieces. Xander, Willow, Blayne and Giles who look down at the floor and what's left (we don't see it) of the She-Mantis.
I'd say it's deceased.
And dissected.
(to Buffy) You okay?
Yeah.
Just for the record, you were right, I was an idiot and God bless you. She smiles, they share a moment, then:
(to Giles and Willow) And thank you guys, too.
Yeah. Really.
Pleasure.
(to Xander) I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins . . .
What . . .?
I mean here you guys are, doing the right thing -- the smart thing -- when a lot of other boys your age --
Big flag on that play, babe. I am no --
Cat's out of the bag, lads. It's part of the She-Mantis M.O.
Isn't this the perfect ending to a wonderful day.
My dad's a lawyer -- anybody repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.
Blayne -- shut up.
I don't think it's bad at all. I think it's really -- Xander takes the machete from Buffy.
(big step back) -- sweet. But certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again -- Xander moves past her and hacks at the egg sacks attached to the rafters, destroying them. INT. THE BRONZE - NIGHT Buffy is by the bar as Angel walks out of the darkness, that slight smile playing about his lips. For a moment, neither of them speaks.
I heard a rumor there was one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself.
There is. Thanks for the tip.
Pleasure's mine.
Of course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you.
I'll be around.
Or who you where . . . He just smiles at that one.
Well, anyway, you can have your jacket back.
Looks better on you. He absently runs his hand along the collar for a moment. Things get a teeny bit steamy in there, but neither of them makes a move. He goes. She watches him a moment.
Oh, boy . . . DISSOLVE TO: INT. BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - DAY Several days later. Dr. Gregory's glasses lie on the display table where he left them. Xander, Willow, Blayne, Buffy listen to a second-rate TEACHER droning:
All mid-term papers will be exactly six pages long -- no more, no less. One third of your grade will be dependent on those papers -- no more, no less . . . PUSH IN ON Buffy, missing the hell out of Dr. Gregory. The bell rings. The kids get up, exit the class. Buffy stops at the display table, looks down at Dr. Gregory's glasses as the second-rate teacher neatly folds his papers and books and marches out. Buffy picks up the glasses, looks at them for a beat, gently wipes them off and heads for the closet. ANGLE: IN THE CLOSET There is a box of Dr. Gregory's personal stuff in here. Buffy gently places the glasses in it and leaves. We hold on the box for a moment before moving down, to the dark bottom of the closet. Hanging from the lowest shelf, way in the back, is a glistening egg sack. It moves. It cracks. BLACK OUT.
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